First of all to anyone who commented on chapter one, thanks. I'm still working on incorporating all of your wonderful feedback, but I wanted to post another chapter, so here it is. Some of the feedback I got in chapter 1 could also be applied in this chapter, so it may get some serious editing later on, but for now, here it is.
Thanks to my mother I was sitting across from the Prince, which made it very hard for me to concentrate on not making a fool of myself and actually getting my food inside my mouth, instead of around it. This meant I was having a very difficult time keeping up with the conversation. When I did speak, my thoughts we jumbled, confused, awkward. I felt myself becoming more nervous every second. My family gradually began to move things away from me, for which I was grateful.
My sisters were quite different form me. Imogen was politely detached, responding only to questions directed to her or only when it was clear no one else knew the answer. Her disinterest in our guest couldn’t have been more obvious, but then, my sister had never really been close to him. Their interaction had always been minimal. Existing only because of the common company they shared.
Melina was her exact opposite. She seamed to have a personal vendetta against silence. As soon as there was a break in the chatter she was filling it with pointless and off topic babble(at least in my opinion). She wasn’t willing to relinquish control either. The only person she would pause for would be the Prince, though as soon as he was done she would fawn over whatever he’d just said, smiling flirtatiously at him while smacking her lips and tossing her flowing blond hair. I would think that my sister, being the boy expert, would know not to be so obvious; but I guess it didn’t matter, since he wasn’t watching her anyway. He was watching me.
Every time I looked up I could feel his eyes on me. Even when he spoke to my various family members, his gaze lingered on my face. The intensity of it seamed to burn straight to my soul. So I tried to focus my attention of something, anything, else. Unfortunately, unlike my family, he seamed determine to keep me involved in the conversation.
“Darcy” he started. ‘How familiar are you with our nation’s present security situation?”.
I set down my tea cup. “You mean the rebellion”. I replied resolutely. I was suddenly completely calm and focused. I may have been completely hopeless when it came to friendly chatter; but momentous political debates? I was unrivaled.
The Prince inclined his head. “That’s not its official name.”
“That’s what it is” I countered.
“Excuse me” he smiled, as though amused, I felt a flicker of annoyance.
“What I meant to say was, that wasn’t its official name” he was still smiling, but I could sense a dark undertone creeping into his voice, and see a shadow darkening his features. I understood the emphasis on past tense. I felt confused, wary; but before I could ask for clarification Imogen spoke.
“What do you mean wasn’t? Has something happened that has changed the Empire’s relationship with the reformers?” she no longer looked bored and far away. She was staring intently at Nathaniel. Her expression was unreadable, but I could sense an intensity about her.
He sighed, and paused, deciding how best to answer her question.
“How much do you know about the new local rebel leader, Jason Race?”
Jason Race.
The very name sent a tremor of fear up my spine, as it should. Jason Race was thought to be one of the most reckless and violent leaders since the beginning of the reformers movement. His hand, and those of his followers, had been connected to almost all of the ran sackings and burnings that had happened recently. There were also rumors that, under his command, the reformers(or rebels now, I guess) had moved to more extreme forms of violence; such as kidnapping
and murdering Innocent civilians, even children.
“Well obviously his brutality should be stopped” I continued diplomatically. “And I would think they rebels would want the same, they haven’t been this violent before now have they? This is going to tarnish their reputation, and have damaging effects on their ability to gain support and sympathy for their cause.”
The Prince locked gazes with me, he appeared clam, content, but his eyes had gone cold and hard.
“Perhaps, But then times are changing, maybe the rebels are changing as well”
“What do you mean?” my voice trembled slightly, unnerved by the steeliness in his eye.
He leaned closer to me.
“I mean” he said slowly, as my heart began to race.
And not just from his proximity either.
“Things are not going as they had originally planned, they’re getting desperate, and desperate people” He moved closer again, till our faces were barely and inch apart and said in a voice barely above a whisper
“change”.
“How have they changed?” I whispered back, it was an automatic response. I couldn’t remember what we were talking about, or even where I was. I leaned back, and he followed suit, somewhat reluctantly.
He cocked his head at me, trying to decide how to answer my question. He seamed to be having an internal debate with himself. He sighed, resigning to the worse it seamed.
I waited with bated breath.
“I really shouldn’t be telling you all this, we haven’t even released it to the press yet but...” His voice Hardened “You have a right to know, we've declared war on the Reformers officially, due to an...incident."
Everyone was silent, breathless, waiting for him to elaborate.
He began his story.
“Last Night the castle’s advanced guard was returning from their midnight patrol when they saw some smoke in the distance” his voice grew quiet. “It was coming from somewhere near New Hope”
My mother, whose attention had drifted to me, snapped back to the Prince, Shock evident in her features,as if she couldn’t believe what he had said, didn’t want to believe.
And there was something, something I had never seen in my mother’s carefully composed face before.
Fear.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I really enjoyed this piece. It kept me captivated throughout almost the whole thing. The introduction to this chapter was fanatical. That section makes me laugh to myself, and keeps me hooked.
If I was a normal reader and there was a noise around me when he said "excuse me" I would have put the book down and started adventuring. I do not know for sure what it is about that part but it dropped my interest a notch. I was confused on the line that followed and my brain will not accept that. It brushes 'it' and anything related aside. I did not entirely pick back up into the story until they began talking about Jason Race. My interest peaked again. Those three paragraphs need some more clarification I think.
Other than that one small thing, it was great! As Skyedreamer said, a few grammatical errors, but not many and not enough to make too much of an impact on this novel. Take what I said or leave it.
I really like the story in this. You had some grammar errors: "seamed" should be "seemed" and you missed some punctuation (especially commas), but this was pretty good. It was fairly vague, not about the setting, etc. but about what was happening. Why did the Prince's gaze get so steely? Who are the reformists, and why are they rioting? What about the declaration of war? Maybe you will bring those out in the next chapter, but it makes this almost too mysterious (instead of just excitingly suspenseful). That isn't to bash this whole thing, though; it was really good! The reader can see the romance building up, and adding some apparent adventure into it gives it huge potential. I know my review seemed somewhat harsh, maybe, but I really did enjoy these two chapters! Great work; keep it up!