Don't Look at the flame

hi dear!
it is actually a song that rises me up.it is so heroic and epic,although it's not so professional.
you has repeated a lot and repeating the ''dear one'' is really annoying i think.i got the rhythm and it was good.i can even sing it for you
the meaning is full of hopes and it tells to the reader that all your pain and sufferings and difficulties will go away and i will save you.i think the lyric really and clearly says these things and it is strong,although it is in short sentences.
and it is great that u have even wrote a song for your novel.
good luck, bro!

Hi there Artemis! Niteowl here to review this song.

So overall, I don't think your rhythm is too bad. I came up with a tune in my head fairly easily. However, I have to agree with fortis that the repetition is a bit too much, and I feel like the constant short, choppy lines lead to some forced rhyming.

I also feel like this doesn't really have a typical song structure. I feel like the entire song is trying to be the short, memorable chorus...which kind of leads to nothing being remembered. It seems like your main chorus is "Don't look at the flames/Dear one" or "Don't feel the pain/Dear one". I would pick those (or possibly alternate), then use a different structure for the verses. The verses can have a different line structure or rhyme scheme and should explain the message of the chorus. Right now they don't really do that.

Overall, I think this could be a really nice addition to a novel, but I feel like the verses could be stronger. Keep writing!

Hello!
Okay, I know you said these were lyrics, but I'm going to review it as a poem, kay? Because what are lyrics if not for a poem with music?

So you might have music in your head that goes with this and you have reasons for all of this. But as it is, this poem is barely readable as a poem.

The number one problem:
You repeat so much. I ended up just skimming the poem, reading as the same phrases were repeated over and over and over and it got tiring. I know they were in a different order every time, but maybe you could make a chorus, and then you'd only have to write it once?

Next problem:
The lines were so short, I couldn't tell what was going on. I know they might be like this to match the music, but it is so hard to read such short lines. I know you might want to point out the rhyme, but you can rhyme within a line too! It will also make this less of an eyesore. Also, stanzas would greatly increase the understandibility and the visual beauty.
This of course is my opinion and you can do what you want.

As a poem, this wasn't very relatable or emotional. You're saying all these things, but I don't know how it fits into anything. All these lines just seem like they were made to rhyme, and they were very forced rhymes too. I don't know how to help you there because this made up basically all of your poem. Focus less on the rhymes. Write your song first, what you want to convey. Don't even think about rhymes, just your words. Then you can see how to make it rhyme, if you want it to. Not all songs rhyme, you know.

Sorry if this seemed rough, but the poem needs a bit of work. Let me know if you need any help with it!
Good job, keep writing!
~fortis