Where we last left our heroine she had just discovered that she was one of the eccentric mages, and was worrying about the repercussions of this particular fact.
//
You see, Quinn was 17 and therefore rather past the age at which magic was supposed to manifest. She also quite proudly viewed herself as being one of the sensible people, with hardly any eccentric tendencies. And, like any other sensible individual would be under the circumstances, she was understandably worried as to how her equally sensible, non-eccentric parents would take the news that they were about to become almost-but-not-quite ostracized by their community; who were of course too sensible to view eccentricity as catching, but preferred to be safe rather than sorry. Still, there was no sense in putting it off, and so Quinn turned on her heel and began to walk sharply back along the path towards her home, leaving behind two rather confused horses, who weren't exactly sure what they had done to scare off this particular human.
The walk was a nice one, shaded from both sun and rain by the overhanging branches of the trees lining the path, and not involving any sharp climbs in either direction. Normally Quinn enjoyed it and she would often walk slower than was strictly necessary to stretch out the time she could spend strolling along and listening to the birds without a care in the world. Sadly for her she found it impossible to properly stroll, and the usually sweet chirps of the birds sounded almost mocking as they filled the air. And so Quinn hurried on, hoping to get the nasty business of explaining the present situation over and done with as fast as possible.
Despite her best efforts it still took about a quarter of hour for her to reach the proper outskirts of the village she lived in, and another five minutes for her to make it back to her father's bakery, which was near the very centre. The building was a lovely cosy one. It had a downstairs floor where her father baked and sold bread to the rest of the village, and an upstairs where the family lived. Like most bakeries, or what Quinn imagined to be like most bakeries, there was a permanent smell of fresh bread. And of the usual outdoors smells that Quinn and her mother tended to trek in, but the scent of baked goods was always stronger, which she felt was a very good thing indeed.
As usual, when she entered the building her father was kneading bread. Quinn found it rather strange that her father always seemed to be kneading bread whenever she came into the building, but she didn't fully understand baking and so she just accepted it. His head was bent over the counter, his back was to the door and he was humming his 'bread song', the one that he claimed made the bread taste twice as good if he hummed while making it. Quinn wasn't sure if she believed that, but she still hesitated for a couple of seconds before interrupting his humming, just to be safe.
"Papa." Danel Aisling didn't appear to have heard her, so she tried again, louder this time. "Papa!" Now his head shot up, and he left his kneading and hurried to his daughter's side. "Papa, I think I'm a mage."
Danel raised one blond eyebrow, before the shock at his daughter's words drained out of his face and he began to laugh in great belly-shaking gusts. "Very funny Quinn, very funny. I suppose you thought to worry me. Who put you up to this? I know your sense of humour always was a little questionable, but really this is going a little too far." The words were somehow choked out between bursts of laughter, but Quinn managed to infer his meaning from what she could make out.
She shook her head in frustration, folding her arms. "I'm not joking papa. I really am a mage. I was down by the field and heard two of the horses talking to each other and I could understand it and I don't know what to do."
Somehow the seriousness of her confession got through to the baker. His laughter faded, and a somber look crossed his face as he looked down on his daughter. "I see. I'll suppose we'll have to send you off to the citadel, now won't we?"
"Oh, do we really have to?" Quinn pleaded. "You know it isn't the law. I could just stay here, with you. I could use my magic to help with the baking, Papa. I don't want you to be here all alone."
Danel shook his head. "Just because it isn't the law, doesn't mean anything. It's how things are." His face softened then. "I'll be fine Quinn. You'd have to have left sooner or later. Just, gives me a little less time to get used to the idea than I would've hoped for." He sighed lowly, "Go pack your things. I know Michal is taking his monthly trip to Stickless this afternoon. You'll be able to go that far with him, and from there the mages will take care of you."
A man less stoic, or more prone to emotion might've told his daughter 'I love you' before she left. But unfortunately for Quinn, her father now felt he had to be above reproach, and so he left to explain the situation to Michal without uttering those three words to her. Quinn watched him leave the building with a strange lump forming in her throat. Then she turned and went upstairs to pack.
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126,830 Literary Works • 672,941 Reviews
Aye, I'll agree with what Soundofmind said in that this - especially the dialogue half - feels rather rushed. I mean, the entire chapter is slightly over nine hundred words and is meant to showcase what is, arguably, the most important event in Quinn's life to date (and will probably be in the top three of her entire life).
I mean, she just found out that she not only has - potentially - the power to blast people with fire (?), talk to animals and whatnot, right? Yet, both her and her father treat it the way one would finding out that their go-to grocery store has closed doors and they'll need to find a new one.
Even if mages are generally accepted, this still calls for some bafflement from both characters, don't you think?
So that's one thing to expand upon. The other, I think, is add more stuff to your world description. Quinn's walking (through a forest?) for half an hour and all we know are: there are trees, birds and no slopes. Your narrator gives a very open window into the character's thoughts which I like quite a lot, so I find it odd that you didn't care to add that same "personality" when describing the world itself.
How is her town, for instance? Big or small? Lively or Quiet? Poor or well-off? Even if we're not spending a lot of time here, adding in some details helps the world come alive. Nothing TOO major if this place'll vanish off the plot after the story but just enough to make it seem like a place that exists, see.
Another option, if you'd prefer it like that, would be to simplify this whole bit. Rather than open up with Quinn finding out she's a mage, open with her already en route to the citadel and have the narrator give us the rundown of what matters: she came into he powers at a late age, found out when horses started talking and her father sent her to Hogwarts, as is customary. That sounds like something that could fill in as the first paragraph of chapter 1.
In fact, as others mentioned over there, the Prologue stuff is simple enough that you can fit it into the story proper. The "all mages as odd" bit is something the narrator can easily go over the first time Quinn meets one such stereotypical mage. Maybe the mage asks how she's feeling, if the separation was hard, and you use that to segue into the bit about families being sort-of-ostracized and have her relate how easily her father took it (unless you change that).
Whatever you decide, there's good potential here. I can always appreciate a magic-centric story that tries to expand beyond the MAGIC side of things. Talking about how mages and their powers are accepted, yet, treated as oddities is precisely the kind of stuff that could be interesting once expanded upon. Again, as Soundofmind said, there are many angles you could explore here with gripping results.
Keep at it!
Aa this is a really interesting story so far, and I love the premise you set up for it in your prologue. I, personally, am fond of introductory world building laying the groundwork for a story (although of course, it can work in many ways more than the one). I also like your writing style! The voice is very strong and I can hear a sort of British accented narrator in my head telling the story. Since, you know, we all have that little narrator voice in our heads that sounds different depending on the tone of voice of the story.
I really love the idea you've set up that mages are viewed as a "harmless" community, despite wielding great power. It would be great though, to know more reasons as to what gets them so distracted, because it seems that it's not really Quinn's nature to be 'eccentric,' as you say. Perhaps it's more of a not-yet situation, but as a reader, I'm wondering what exactly causes their behavior. Will it be explained later on? I have a few theories - that perhaps the magic itself alters the behavior of the person, or perhaps the behavior change is some psychological result of having magic? Or is it just innate to a mage's nature? If it's the latter, I wonder why Quinn seems so... not-so-eccentric. She actually seems rather normal. Not in a really boring way of course, but she actually sounds like she doesn't want the magic. Which makes me wonder if she's an exception to the "every mage is eccentric" rule, or if the rule is more of a stereotype or generalization than a rule.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME BLABBERING ON ABOUT YOUR STORY. It really is because I am interested!
BUT ANYHOW. So this was the first piece I read. I read the chapter before the prologue (because I didn't see there was a prologue until I finished). And honestly, after finishing, I thought that the prologue would provide more details on how exactly this whole horse conversation occurred. I was looking forward to overhearing their conversation actually, and seeing Quinn's initial reaction to what they were saying. While I can't say you definitely SHOULD fit a scene like that in the prologue, I think that it would help with the transition between it and this chapter. Or at the very least, it would satiate the curiosity of THIS reader, haha.
Also, I feel like the dialogue between her father and her... went really fast? It almost felt rushed to me, because everything happened so quickly. I know you said her father was stoic, but I guess I felt that perhaps there'd be more momentary pause in the situation. It feels like her father's like: "Oh. You're a mage... K THX BAI. PEACE OUT." And he just kind of tells her to leave. Now I understand that it's normal and socially expected of her to go to live with the mages! You made that clear in the prologue, and you kind of pounded it in with her father's "that's just the way it is," comment. But still. Even if there aren't many more words exchanged, I want to know more of what's going on behind their faces. You have the advantage of being the narrator. You can reveal whatever you want!
I think it would really do the scene good if you just slowed it down a little bit and gave more detail on what's going through Quinn's head. How desperate is she to stay with her father? Why doesn't she argue more? Does she hesitate to go pack, or does she just accept it? Why does she accept it so easily? How strong are the nuances of being a mage in her culture? Perhaps they're stronger than I perceive.
I'm also really interested to see what'll go through her head once she begins to really accept the fact that she has magic. I wonder if she'll want to learn more, if she'll simply long for home. Or maybe, she'll run into more problems along the way before she even reaches the mage's citadel.
Also! I'm a little back and forth here but, I really loved the mental image you created for Danel's bakery. It gave me a really clear picture (which is something I LOVE), and I could imagine how much it felt like a part of home to Quinn, with the sights and smells, and her father humming. It feels like a memory one would recall and then feel nostalgic about afterwards.
I'M ALSO REALLY EXCITED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW HER MAGIC WORKS. Magical lore and stuff is so cool.
So with all of that said, I really like what you have so far, and I'm sure you have much more story in store. I can't wait to read the rest. Tell me when you update chapters! I hope some of what I said was helpful or encouraging!
Keep writing! I love it!
~Sound
Thanks for the review!! Dialogue is one of my weaker points and I'm always worried about characters having the same voice, so I do tend to skip over it as much as possible. Probably something I should work on. When I'm editing I'll definitely try to add more description of what's going on during the conversation and slow down in the areas you mentioned.
Also kinda funny how you're talking about a British accented narrator when I don't have a British accent
Thanks for the review, it has definitely given me a lot to think about for anything I go on to write!