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Distrustful Companion

by anu


Your Blind Eye

I may look strong, but I am weak

I stand out brave, but am very meek

I may look confident, but I’ve got nerves

I may look lovely, yet a hatred lurks.

I am friendly, and still possess enmity

Loyalty on face, in heart also dwells disloyalty.

I look calm and at peace, yet rage is fought

I pretend I don’t care, but I do – a lot!

You see what I want to be

And what I am- not!

You believe I am perfect

As loyal as a robot.

Yet I try to battle

The latter to win the former

And you can’t even see how I strive

To be a good performer.

AGONY

Tears run easy , round my cheeks

Heart bursts out, emotion leaks.

Wipe them out and give a smile-fake!

When inside, tears form a lake.

Yet you are deceived

By the bogus smile

The lack of understanding,

Separates us a mile.

You don’t seem to notice

The painful silent tears

Or the agony that I take

Which all the heart bears.

I am a constant listener

To your tales of distress

And when I undergo the same

You never seem to care less.

It's tough lending a sympathetic ear

When I don’t get a shoulder to lean

Never the heart found comfort in you

And never was warmness ever seen.


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116 Reviews


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Thu Jun 20, 2019 9:42 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I liked reading through all of these poems! They were all nicely written and conveyed a nice and strong meaning to the reader. I liked how well you expressed emotions in these poems in the sense that I was able to feel what the person in these poems was feeling. I also like how you kept consistent formatting with tabbing every second stanza... but to be honest, I don't know if this really works for me in terms of how all of these poems just express some emotion and nothing else. I think that tabbing those lines can be used for emphasis to make the reader really understand what message you are conveying, so maybe you can do this by using some metaphors, imagery, etc. I can understand the perspective of this person based on their emotions, but I can't really imagine what scene this person is in that makes them feel that way.

In the first poem, I'm just a little confused about the way the ideas are written. I do like the message of someone misjudging what you are on the outside vs. the inside, but it kind of seemed weird how at the beginning of the poem, this person admits to being weak instead of strong but then they want to fight back in the end. In my opinion, I think it would enhance the poem if the first lines are switched around saying "I may look weak, but I am strong" to better get the deeper meaning across. (But it's fine either way because of this person saying they're "trying", so it's your choice!)

The second poem I liked more... it conveyed a nice and clear idea of one person who can't be understood by the other, being mistreated. These lines though (along with some of the lines going back to the first poem too) are a little awkward to read out because I think you are focusing too much on the rhyme, so it feels like there are words missing here and there and the grammar also doesn't seem right. Anyway, reading through these poems again and adding in more ideas and detail would really enhance them! Overall, these poems carried a great and realistic idea, and I hope to read more from you!

Keep Writing :)




anu says...


Thank you for reviewing



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Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:01 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Heyaaa anu, so to begin..
Your blind eye-
I think that even though your poems have a clear message behind each of them, you only go on about feelings; without any imagery. Metaphors? Nope. Similes, personification or alliteration? None to see. I know that style might be odd when using it for the theme blind eyes, but it does really help us have an image of your feelings. Comparing how you feel with something else, or saying something like you’re drowning under feelings or something of the sort. Even though it’s the style, the constant change of position gets me out of the emotion and I end up reading it again since I don’t remember what I read.
Now agony-
So, already the name is kinda memorable. A catchphrase if you want. What’s absent in the first poem, is refelceted clearly in here. I just don’t understand the round my cheeks. I understand it’s supposed to represent tears.. but round my cheek? Shouldn’t it have been down my cheeks..? Anyways. I live the (heart bursts out, emotion leaks) is a very strong way of putting that kind of emotion down. Agony is beautiful, there’s a rhythm, it has a certain style; your words keep rising and falling continuously and even though what I just said makes no sense, I still think that poem is clearly much more than the first one. Maybe, you could’ve made a last poem linking both, because they really are the same in a way.




anu says...


Thanks for reviewing. As for the metaphors, similes, etc. .. I%u2019ll need time to change my writing style. Sorry if it reduces the fun . I will try to do better in that sense in the next poem I write. Thanks!



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Sat Jun 15, 2019 8:37 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, anu! I haven't reviewed in a while, but I'm determined to do so again, so let's do this! Disclaimer: You do not have to follow my advice. These are just suggestions. I also don't point out anything individually, so I would go over it on your own to get everything.

The first thing that I noticed going into your piece is neither, in fact, the formatting (which I'll get to later. Don't worry, it's not bad), nor how you tell, not show, and not the rhyming, but was the grammar punctuation-wise and awkward wording that is abundant throughout the poem. For example, in the second-to-last stanza (which is what I assume is a stanza, because of the formatting), you have "its" instead of "it's". Therefore, "its tough lending a sympathetic ear" is instead "it's [it is] tough lending a sympathetic ear". Another one is after "the lack of understanding" which should have a comma right after to make it grammatically correct. I suggest checking it with grammar.ly or a grammatically sound friend/relative to get it correct. While I am aware that it could be a stylistic choice, your punctuation was correct in several other places, so I don't think that it was intentional. If it's not intentional, it tends to be the first thing someone sees in a piece, like I did.

What I mean with awkward wording: some lines or parts of lines are extremely awkward in that they sound strange regarding them and the upper lines. For example: "I may look confident, but I’ve got nerves//I may look lovely, yet inside a hatred lurks." If you read your poem out loud, it might sound awkward. The truth is, if you remove the word "inside", it would flow much better. ("I may look confident, but I've got nerves//I may look lovely, yet a hatred lurks.") There are also some words that are extremely awkward. You might want to rhyme, but "smile-fake" is not really a thing. I get what you're trying to say, but it really doesn't work.

--

I applaud your formatting. It's consistent, interesting, and not used once in a poem without any other formatting (which makes it look awkward. Yes, I am using that word a lot. Yes, I have done the formatting mistake before. We all do it eventually lol) which I have seen plenty. Good job!
--

Your rhyme scheme is quite inconsistent. While that's not usually an issue, it is something that can turn off other people. If you're going to post this as one poem, then you should rhyme both sections in the same way. Though, now that I look at it more, you randomly rhyme in the middle of lines ("I am friendly, and still possess enmity") but don't do it in others in a set pattern, and sometimes you rhyme with an AA/BB end rhyme ("I may look strong, but I am weak//I stand out brave, but am very meek//I may look confident, but I’ve got nerves//I may look lovely, yet inside a hatred lurks"), but sometimes it's an AB/CB end rhyme ("It's tough lending a sympathetic ear//When I don’t get a shoulder to lean//Never the heart found comfort in you//To it, you were always mean!")? {If you don't understand my terminology, this is a wonderful article about it. The website is useful in general, actually, and I have it bookmarked.} I'm not saying to change the whole piece, but to change a few lines to make the rhyming consistent.
--

In the first poem, you did well with showing, not telling, through your big words and metaphors. There was still a telling story there, but it wasn't as obvious. In your second poem, however, it seems a little more "tell-y". When you're just telling a story, without metaphors and similes and literary elements and all that jazz, your story or poem sounds quite a bit childish. Your last line is the best example of this. "To it, you were always mean." Sorry for being blunt, but it doesn't fit the rest of the poem in terms of maturity. Here's an article on YWS with a section on "show, don't tell". Number 8.
--

While I did enjoy the poem overall, there are a few glaring errors that you should fix. That doesn't mean that you're a bad writer! In fact, you can always improve - that's what reviews are for, right? I apologize for being blunt, but I don't really know how else to say them, haha.

Tschuss!

~~Kara




anu says...


Thanks awfully for reviewing and sorry for the mistakes. I have edited some of the petty mistakes. I can't change the rhyming scheme now though. Maybe the new formatting could help hide the mistake. Sorry about that. Ive tried changing that last childish line to make it a bit more mature. See if you like it better. Go through the poem again please and help me correct my mistakes( apart from the rhyming scheme). Thanks!!



zaminami says...


instead of editing this piece, you can always post the next draft! I dislike reviewing the same piece twice, but if you post another draft separately I'll be sure to get to it!




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