I spy with my little eye something that begins with the words you lied…
The words you enamelled my horizon with black, and hailed upon me fire,
Bruised stones into my skin, condemned my existence a sin, and acted
upon a morbid desire.
I spy with my little eye something that begins with words I cried…
Heck, my tears filled oceans and you smiled as though I was the liar.
But who are you anyway? And what am I?
A human. Yet then again, maybe we gave humanity the wrong definition…
Stole delicious seconds of our wavering lives to perform a fascinating rendition.
Who are you anyway? And why do I try?
To even spy those words and hum them to you as you spike my heart
with your piercing eyes.
I spy with my little eye something that rots the color blue,
and all I am spying with this little eye is you.
You and your damned lies,
you and your fucking goodbyes.
Well this is my goodbye to you.
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hey there! RBT here to review your piece.
What I read just sounded extremely brilliant and all put together perfectly. I loved the way you started. The flow went on pretty well but sort of broke at this line
"as you spike my heart
with your piercing eyes."
You might try change these lines a little. Not very but a little bit.
Also,
"I spy with my little eye something that rots the color blue,
and all I am spying with this little eye is you."
Rest everything just fits in perfectly! I loved the poem , especially these lines
"Bruised stones into my skin, condemned my existence a sin, and acted
upon a morbid desire.
I spy with my little eye something that begins with words I cried…
Heck, my tears filled oceans and you smiled as though I was the liar.
But who are you anyway? And what am I?
A human. Yet then again, maybe we gave humanity the wrong definition…"
Hats off! I wish to see more from you.
KEEP WRITING!
Hey, Weather here with a review.
Things I liked:
The emotion and effort put into.
You have used a great voice persona in this, the tone has really characterized a certain type of person.
The length was good.
The words in italics did create more of an effect.
Things to improve on:
Right, I think you should raise the age for viewing this due to the curse word at the end to perhaps 12 since the content isn't too graphic.
I thought some of the italics didn't make sense e.g. you enamelled my horizon with black.
You also have a typo, according to my spell-check "enamelled" isn't necessarily a word. And it reminds me of teeth which I don't think is the best imagery for this piece and context.
I'm not sure on the "I spy" references repeated, it brings a child-like manner into a poem I thought was more teen oriented so it was a contrast.
I think more interesting metaphors could be used.
Hope this helped. Keep writing!
~Weather
Hi! Thanks for the review.
I'm British so we use "enamelled"... Doubling the Ls...
This helps a lot.
Thanks again.