He had eyes as lost as the stars in the sky. So misguided and blue that they silently spoke on and on about how much it hurts to cry on lonely days of summer, when dandelions grow and butterflies flutter in the needless air. They fluttered because they hoped they’d find someone cruel enough to rip their aimless wings apart, and rid them of all the damn pain.
Yeah, it hurt him to cry on days like that.
It hurt him because when I looked into his eyes, I felt it too.
He’s as beautiful as those lost stars in the sky; a godlike incompatibility of fragile flesh and mortal blood. He must have been a mistake because people as cruel as I am exist. My existence is bound to rip butterfly wings apart, and he is bound to hurt because he cannot cry on days of summer, when dandelions grow. He must have been a mistake because when I touch his skin, it burns. Not the type that hurts when it does, but the type that elates you to the point of death; a flicker in the depth of your core that makes you wonder if what pleasures you is also meant to reap your soul. He is a mistake because angels are not meant to walk the earth, not meant to lay prepossessing eyes upon mundanity.
No.
Angels are not meant to walk the earth. They are meant to fly in heaven.
So I killed him.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi,
Crosa here for a review;
The imagery is fantastic and you really create a relationship with the darker side of the reader. Relating to them with lines like:
"Not the type that hurts when it does, but the type that elates you to the point of death; a flicker in the depth of your core that makes you wonder if what pleasures you is also meant to reap your soul"
The ending is also fantastic it really nails the suspense you are trying to portray throughout in a somewhat shocking way. It also is consistent with the darker imagery that is laid out for the reader up to that point.
However I would have a look at structure. You have used it to your advantage in some places such as the one lines under the solid paragraph and is very effective at controlling the readers pace and it works well. Although I think you could further this, I would try really breaking down the other two paragraphs, look at sentence length and where you place your ";" and "," as well as paragraph breaks. They control reader pace as I said and I think that if you were to break up those areas it would be easier to follow and allow the imagery to linger on the reader for longer which is the beauty of this piece.
I also wanted to mention that the Title and then the use of those words through out the writing is clever and you have accomplished it here really well.
The only the other sentences that bother me for some reason structure wise as well as the tense I think:
"...when dandelions grow and butterflies flutter in the needless air. They fluttered because they hoped they’d find someone cruel enough to rip their aimless wings apart..."
I would re - structure it and have a look at tense I would go for something like:
"...when dandelions grow and butterflies flutter. They flutter through the needless air because they hope to find someone cruel enough to rip their aimless wings apart...."
I would look at this sentence especially only because it really is beautiful and one of the strongest imagery projections to the reader in your piece.
I hope this is helpful in someway.
And really a wonderful read, I enjoyed every second so thanks!
-Crosa
Thank you! This helped a lot.
Wow
Hats off to you *takes off invisible hat*
I wish I could come up with such beautiful comparisons.
Love that last line, so unexpected
So in summary, I think you are an exceptionally amazing writer. I do think that maybe this story needs a bit more development, but I can immediately your style of writing by all your wonderful metaphors and imagery. While I read this I kept thinking about how jealous I was!
Great change in imagery. I mean, it was the obvious choice if you would've written the opposite, that they didn't want someone to "rip their wings apart". I find that such a unique idea and would never think of writing something like that. The butterflies actually dream of having someone ridding them of the pain... wow, made me think.
Tttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssss. ^^^^
This is fantastic. It really gives the idea of a fallen angel.
So I'm going to stop writing down the things Iliked because I would just be copy pasting your whole text.
Here are just a few nitpicks you might want to look at:
I don't know. This sentence just didn't flow for me. I had to re-read it to get it right. Maybe try putting a comma after 'mistake'.
I thinkthese two contrast themselves. Does he cry or not?
Okay one last thing: so I'm not saying you should make a much longer story of this, I actually believe it's better not to, just maybe add a little bit about the setting, or who the narrator is?
Yeah, maybe describe the narrator a little bit more apart from being cruel. Also, their relationship?
Anyways, *leaves a star* bye!
Thank you so much for this excellent review.
Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review. So here it goes:
Firstly let me say your title is quite catchy and something really random so thats good. Because it like always a must especially when your writing stories of these genres. It must be the title which gives a hint and you have managed to do that perfectly!
"They fluttered because they hoped they’d find someone cruel enough to rip their aimless wings apart, and rid them of all the damn pain."
I couldn't really understand this particular line especially when this line follows :
"My existence is bound to rip butterfly wings apart,"
It kind of felt like a contrast to me.
The description of the angel I must say id really beautiful because It perfectly describes the beauty which you are trying to put forward to the readers.
Overall I really liked it. Do keep on writing more like this and I'll be happy to review it!
-Budding writer
Thank you.
Wow.
Um... I have to say that i didn't expect the last sentence over there. But this is a suspense piece so, i guess it's okay.
Okay, so just asking, is this person, the one you call an angel, an illegitimate?
Seems like it to me. But i could be wrong. Do let me know.
One thing I have to say, this did not appear horrific to me.
"you wonder if what pleasures you is also meant to reap your soul."
I think it would sound better if you said "rip" instead of "reap". Think about it.
That's pretty much it I guess. Hope this helped.
Hello! Thank you for your review. To answer your question, the boy is not exactly illegitimate. It is just that his beauty is unfathomable. And that convinced the narrator that by killing him, she'd be sending him to a safer place.
Ah I see. Well me and my imagination. But I guess you expect different people to see the same thing differently right? Anyway, wonderful story you got there. Keep the cruising smooth!
Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!!
This is a short piece, so this might very well be a short review, so go easy on me please...
WELL... as always with me...
NITPICKS!!!!!
Now this is just a run on sentence. It needs to be split apart, and redone.
"Yeah" seems a bit casual to me for such an emotional piece.
Why is it always damn? Why not use some variety? Like horrible or something like that? Just a thought is all...
This part of your sentence seems rather awkward. Rephrasing might be needed.
I'd suggest getting rid of the comma, and just stopping the sentence right there with a period, and then making "no" it's own sentence. Makes it seem more in your face.
I'm wondering if you meant humanity instead?
OK, Nitpicks are over!!!!
Comments and the like
So my first thought was that this was a really super original idea. I've never actually read anything were they use butterfly wings and angels all in one.
So this caught me by surprise. I had absolutely NO IDEA that this was were you were going, so nice work!
Anyway, hope I helped you!
Thank you! This helped a lot.
No problem! Glad I could help!!