I instantly liked this poem when I started reading it. Here's what I liked about it:
1.) The message that struck me first was friendship. As two friends enjoy their life and have fun times/sad times. But then I started thinking if this was a human saying this to a pet that died, or maybe it was an unusual one.
2.) You're consistent with the tense- present. The way you have the majority of it in present, and then switch to past is fitting to the poem and works well.
3.) The repetition. You say "I see in twos", use the word "you" for a lot of ending lines, and repeat "I see you smile and I see you cry; and so who am I to deny". That strengthens your work and adds bold meaning to it.
4.) The rhyming. From all the freestyle I've seen on here, most of the poets I've met don't use rhyming that often. I like how you chose words that rhyme with 'you' and used it throughout the poem.
5.) Great vocabulary here! It's always nice to see that other poets have expanded and increased vocabulary that makes the poem instantly ten times better.
What I think could use some change:
1.) Maybe the punctuation could be improved... I honestly don't mean to offend you at all. You use commas well. I'd put a period after the second line, the sixth line, the eighth line, the tenth line, and the last line.
2.) This is completely up to you if you'd like... Maybe you could capitalize each beginning line? But I see how some lines continue as like sentences, which should have end punctuation.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's sort of mysterious, dramatic, likeable, and sweet (for the friendship resemblance). You have great skills for writing and I hope you'll continue posting more work!
Congratulations! A satisfied reader/poet! Hope we can be friends here! I'm always up for a chat. Happy writing!
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Reviews: 60
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