I see in twos when I look at you,
your devoted muse and blackbird too
I see you smile and I see you cry,
and so who am I to deny
that I see in twos when I look at you
your days of blues and ecstasy too
I mustn’t look back and remember who,
saw in ones when they looked at you
I see in twos when I ravish you
Your sinister smiles and sickening views
my hands were made to put an end to you
and so who am I to deny
I have seen you smile, seen you cry,
And I bet it killed you that I buried you
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I instantly liked this poem when I started reading it. Here's what I liked about it:
1.) The message that struck me first was friendship. As two friends enjoy their life and have fun times/sad times. But then I started thinking if this was a human saying this to a pet that died, or maybe it was an unusual one.
2.) You're consistent with the tense- present. The way you have the majority of it in present, and then switch to past is fitting to the poem and works well.
3.) The repetition. You say "I see in twos", use the word "you" for a lot of ending lines, and repeat "I see you smile and I see you cry; and so who am I to deny". That strengthens your work and adds bold meaning to it.
4.) The rhyming. From all the freestyle I've seen on here, most of the poets I've met don't use rhyming that often. I like how you chose words that rhyme with 'you' and used it throughout the poem.
5.) Great vocabulary here! It's always nice to see that other poets have expanded and increased vocabulary that makes the poem instantly ten times better.
What I think could use some change:
1.) Maybe the punctuation could be improved... I honestly don't mean to offend you at all. You use commas well. I'd put a period after the second line, the sixth line, the eighth line, the tenth line, and the last line.
2.) This is completely up to you if you'd like... Maybe you could capitalize each beginning line? But I see how some lines continue as like sentences, which should have end punctuation.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's sort of mysterious, dramatic, likeable, and sweet (for the friendship resemblance). You have great skills for writing and I hope you'll continue posting more work!
Congratulations! A satisfied reader/poet! Hope we can be friends here! I'm always up for a chat. Happy writing!
ChocolateCello here!
I really enjoyed this poem. It was really well written and I'll definitely be checking out some other works that you've done. (If you don't have any other works published I hope to see some from you soon.)
There were two places where the flow felt a little off though
"that I have seen you smile, seen you cry,"
I might suggest taking the 'that' out of here. It sounds fine without it and I personally think I sounds smoother and more comfortable this way.
"I really mustn’t look back and remember who,"
Again, this line feels a bit too long. Maybe take out the 'really'?
Other than that, this poem was amazing. Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you. Really appreciate this.
this this poem about duplicity among a peolpe which had made him appeaer two in one being. or this is telling about the ups and downs in life two times which all human undergo and their behaviour changes. i find thatthe second one is correct because i find that theres no negative tone in narration. its a good poem but i just feel that more clear words should be use so that the meaning becomes clear to the readers. i hope u dont mind. bye.