The Plan

The Moment

“I have an announcement to make.” Kathy, my step mother, informed us as we sat down to eat a dinner of what she called fish stew, but which we called mashed toad and brain juice,

“Ooo, an announcement” my older brother, and reigning king of sarcasm, Kevin began, “hold onto you hats people!” this immediately warranted the stare of death from my dad, his already lined forehead furrowing further and his eyebrows slanting, spelling a clear warning in Kevin’s direction. Kevin sat up taller and stared straight back, a show of defiance, but his lips stayed firmly shut.

“As you know, your father and I are deeply in love” Kathy continued in a voice that clung to the back of your throat like a too-sweet-toffee that you just can’t swallow, as though she was oblivious to the silent cowboy-esque stand off (but with less guns, obviously) occurring between her husband and step son, “and we’ve been married almost a year now, so we felt it was a natural progression to try for a baby and, well, I’m pregnant!” she turned to beam at my Dad and stroked his face as though she was in some lovey-dovey movie and sat next to a young Hugh Grant, and not some middle aged man with an unhealthy love of tractors and a bald patch in the middle of his head (the latter being my own dearest father). An ominous silence fell. As I looked around it was like one of those freeze frames we do in drama, where everyone has to remain completely still in a scene and I always get the inexplicable urge to giggle, although this was a whole lot less amusing. Kevin’s eyes were wide and his jaw was hanging loosely at its hinges, forget catching flies he could catch birds in there with it open so wide! Dad had a strained smile stretched across his lips at Kathy, but it was more of a grimace than a smile really. Kathy was still gazing into his eyes like she thought he was Prince-Fricking-Charming. And I was looking around at everybody else’s reaction in the single long moment because I didn’t know how to react myself. And that, my lovely listener, is the moment everything started to change.

Perhaps I should take a step back here and explain myself, my name is Tessa Tripp. I am eleven years old and I am both the tallest and the clumsiest girl in year six. I have curly dark hair which I’ve grown almost to my waist, but I usually wear it up in a red ribbon. Kevin is my brother; he is fourteen years old and hates everything except his Xbox and his girlfriend (Minnie). My Dad is really old, not quite prehistoric but well on the way. He’s kind and caring and he loves Kevin and me more than anything, but he’s also very sad. He’s been very sad since Mum died when I was six. Kathy is very pretty in a Barbie way, and Kevin says she’s closer to his age than Dad’s and that she manipulated Dad when he was vulnerable, he also called her a rude word. I’ll use the word ‘witch’ instead in case an adult is listening to this. She has blonde hair that she curls every single day and she wears more make up than a circus clown and she pretends to be super nice, but Kevin and I know that really she’s a big fat….witch! And now the witch is having a baby. Okay, back to where we were!

The thing about moments is that they’re like elastic bands. Even the really long, important ones can only stretch so far before SNAP, it breaks and slaps your fingers, forcing you to face the consequences of whatever caused the stretchy moment. Kevin stood up, his chair screeching in protest, and the moment snapped. He stormed upstairs, slamming his foot down on each individual stair as though absolutely determined to start an earthquake. When he finally got into his bedroom we heard the door being closed with such ridiculous force that I was sure the sound could not only be heard all over England, but also in Australia and possibly on the moon. My Dad looked at me with the eyes of a puppy expecting to go unfed but barking for dinner anyway, “Tess, sweetie, what do you think?”

“I… errrmmm, well, I think…” I grappled for non-existent words,

“She’s thrilled of course!” interrupted Kathy, “Totally speechless!”

“Totally speechless” I echoed, planting a weak smile on my face to act as a mask. Dad returned it, pretending to believe Kathy’s assessment that I was “thrilled”.

We ate in awkward silence, me practically inhaling my ‘fish stew’ in my keenness to get away. After what felt like the entirety of an eternity I dismissed myself without any pudding (amidst gasps of shock and horror, after all, who doesn’t eat pudding?!). I rushed upstairs and tentatively knocked on Kevin’s door, hoping he wouldn’t shout or threaten to feed Tiger to the dog like he had last time I’d tried to come in his bedroom (Tiger is my favourite toy from when I was little, I know it’s silly now I’m ten, but even so becoming dog food seems too harsher fete for poor Tiger). To my mild surprise, however, Kevin quickly opened the door and ushered me inside,

“Tessa,” he whispered urgently, “the worst has happened. This is a code red situation. This will ruin our lives!” I rolled my eyes,

“Don’t exaggerate Kev, I’m not happy either but it’s hardly the zombie apocalypse!” I exclaimed,

“Shush, Tessa, you don’t understand. Mikey has a half brother and he says it’s taken over everything. He has to share a room with it and his Mum only cares about it now and when it was really little it was constantly puking on him and once he even had to change a nappy! Can you imagine anything worse?” he implored,

“Well, it doesn’t sound much fun…” I admitted,

“And, for us, it will be even more terrible because the baby will the spawn of the devil witch downstairs and-” his rants could extend through whole millennia so I thought it best to interrupt before he really got going,

“But what can we do about it?” I asked,

“Well, little sis of mine,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes and an arm placed around my shoulder, “that’s where the plan comes in!”

“The plan?”

“While you’ve been downstairs playing happy families and attempting to digest that winning combination that is toad and brain, I have been coming up with a plan. I call it the ‘Send the Witch on her Broom Before the Baby is Born and Takes over our Lives’ plan.” He proudly announced,

“That is some title…” I raised my eyebrows to match the sarcasm dripping from my voice,

“It could do with some work…” Kevin conceded, “But the plan itself is ingenious, even if I do say so myself!”

“Explain away then Einstein” I smiled, in a considerably better mood at the thought that we might be able to get rid of Kathy and the baby,

“We create an environment that she’s incapable of living in. Phase 1: she loves her posh designer cream dress more than anything else, so I’ll offer to do the washing and ‘accidentally’ put it in a wash with lots of red clothes. Phase 2: make-up is basically as essential to her as oxygen is to non-evil humans, so we steal a piece a day so she gradually looks worse and worse until she can’t stand it. Phase 3: she’s terrified of mice, right, so we’ll buy a load and set them loose in the house, she’ll think the house is infested and have to leave!” he looked at me hopefully, waiting for confirmation that this plan would work,

“Kevin, it’s a stroke of genius!” I squealed,

“I know, right?!” he enthused; I swiped at him for being so full of himself.

Phase 1

Since neither Kevin nor I had ever shown even a hint of interest in the housework before, this was a delicate operation. We had to convince Dad that Kevin genuinely wanted to help out with the laundry. The next day over dinner (either slightly over-baked lasagne in tomato sauce or dried up snake scales in gut juice sauce) Kevin was in major sucking up mode,

“I’m sorry for storming off last night Dad, I’m happy about the baby, really I am. It was just a bit of a shock, that’s all!” he lied through gritted teeth,

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you! Bless. We understand, it was a lot for a little man to take in!” Kathy said patronisingly, leaning over the table to pinch his cheek. I stifled a giggle as Kevin was forced to allow her to tug gently at his face, like you might a particularly cute baby’s.

“I’d really like to make it up to you; perhaps I could do the clothes washing this week?” Dad’s eyes bulged so far at this that I almost expected them to rush out the sockets attached to springs, but Kathy was delighted,

“Really, Kevin? Oh, that’s just so sweet of you!” she squealed,

“Really” Kevin confirmed, winking at me and then cleverly avoiding further cheek-pinching induced torture by filling said cheeks with ‘lasagne’, “Mmmm, dinners delicious Kathy!” he exclaimed through his full mouth. At this I very nearly spat my own dinner out trying to stop a bark of laughter erupting. Dad looked at us with suspicion, but said nothing.

The next day, after school, Kevin and I set up ‘The Wash of Doom’, as we had come to refer to it as. I busied myself finding red things to put in and soon the washing machine was practically bursting at the seams. Kevin came downstairs with the sacred garment in hand, a wicked grin on his face. I smiled at him with nervous excitement. He delicately placed the dress on top of the high pile of red socks, shirts and shorts. He put the powder in the slot. He closed the door. He pressed ‘start wash’. We looked at each other, the deed was done.

Kathy returned home from work with impeccable timing, just as the wash finished, Kevin said,

“Hi Kathy, the wash is done.” In a voice that barely concealed his anticipation,

“Hello Kathy” I chorused sounding considerably more anxious than Kevin had,

“Hey kids!” Kathy greeted us, “Don’t worry about hanging it on the line, I’ll do that.” She told us, so we ran upstairs and listened attentively to the floor boards, awaiting a response, two minutes later it came, “AARRRGGGHHH” she roared so loudly and so long that she would put any self respecting lion to shame. This led to Kevin and me laughing hysterically into our pillows at a similar volume.

Phase 2

Following ‘The Wash of Doom’ Dad was treating us with total mistrust, despite our insistence that it was an accident he had remained thoroughly sceptical. Kathy had been devastated, screaming that it was her favourite dress in the world and refusing to go to her work party that had been that night because she had nothing to wear. I’d felt a little guilty when she said this, and even more so the next morning when she told Dad to lay off Kevin and I and she was sure it was an accident (even though she must’ve known perfectly well it wasn’t). Nevertheless, we went ahead with phase two. For the next two weeks I stole an item of her make up after school and before she got home. I justified this to myself with the memory of her crying after the dress incident, the great fat tears cutting eye-liner polluted rivers in her foundation and looking, to put it as kindly as possible, like Mr. Blobby. This, I had convinced myself, proved that I was doing her a favour really. Much like when Miss Phillips at school confiscated Johnny’s glue stick when he was throwing it around so that he couldn’t cause “any harm to himself or others”, I was confiscating Kathy’s make up so she couldn’t cause any more harm to the sight of herself or others.

The first few days we’d listen at Kathy and Dad’s door in the mornings and hear complaints of,

“I swear I’m going round the twist!” or,

“I’m sure I left my lippie here…” but as time went on her patience wavered,

“I look terrible!” she shrieked one morning (although, frankly, she looked a lot better without all the make up) “I’m going to simply die if I have to go another day without foundation! Do you think someone at work could be nicking it out my bag?” Kevin and I looked at one another and snorted in laughter. We probably would’ve continued with phase two a while longer, but on the fourteenth morning I snuck into her bedroom to find the make up draw completely replenished and a Boots shopping bag littering the floor. I told Kevin this and he responded,

“Hmmm, let phase three commence” and with a stroke of his imaginary beard, he’d sauntered off.

Phase 3

We met at the pet shop after school the next day. Kevin walked to the counter with what he described as “swagger” but which I described as “stupid”.

“Hello, Mr Thomas” he said, noting the name tag in the shop owner, “How are you this fine day?” Mr Thomas looked at Kevin with bemusement,

“I’m alrigh’ ta sonnie, can I help yer?” he asked kindly,

“My name is Tripp. Kevin Tripp. And I was hoping you could help me locate a certain ten mice. But, y’know, on the down low.” He tapped his nose knowingly,

“Eh?” grunted Mr Thomas in utter confusion,

“Can we buy some mice please sir?” I asked, Mr Thomas barked a laugh,

“Is that ten cer’ain mice, or will ten any-ol’-ten-mice do?”

“Any will do.” I said,

“Alrigh’ I’ll just put ‘em in the box, grab the feed an’ the saw dust an’ that’ll be fifteen squid” he said, beginning to move,

“Errrmmm, cash flows a little tight at the moment, you know how times are, a man like you can understand. But we can arrange something, can’t we Mr Thomas, eh? Eh?” Kevin panicked,

“Was he goin’ on about now girl?” My Thomas asked me,

“We have a fiver” I told him. We left five minutes later with a single mouse in a box, a pocket full of mouse food and 20p change.

We got home and saw Kathy in the living room, Kevin slowly placed the mouse (I’d named him Walter) down at the crack of the door. Walter inched forward on his little feet then scuttled straight for Kathy, she screamed like she was on a roller coaster and leapt on to the sofa. Dad came in from the kitchen with a knife,

“Has someone broken in?” he shouted, at that point Kevin grabbed my wrist and fake rushed in,

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” he asked. Kathy was actually shaking on the sofa, as was Walter in the middle of the room. All of a sudden he ran at my feet, Kathy leapt from the sofa and hurriedly scooped him up,

“I thought you were afraid” Dad said frowning,

“I was” she said sincerely, “but I didn’t want it to bite Tessa’s ankles!” I took Walter out her hands and he snuggled down. I looked at Kevin biting my lip, and saw him looking equally guilty back at me.

Another Moment

Over a dinner of Macaroni and Cheese, which we usually called slugs in swamp sludge sauce but which, somewhat miraculously actually tasted like macaroni and cheese, Kathy showed us the picture from the baby’s first scan.

“It’s a girl, I think she’s got your eyes Tess and your nose Kevin” she insisted, even though her baby currently resembled a peanut more than either of its siblings, “You guys are going to be such wonderful big siblings, Kevin I know you’ll look after her, and Tessa can teach her all about clothes and give her advice and” I got up and hugged her,

“This tastes really nice Kathy” I told her,

“Yeah, it does” agreed Kevin without even an ounce of sarcasm. Kathy smiled, perplexed, but hugged me back, and dad smiled a properly honest smile for the first time I remember since Mum was alive. It was another moment that seemed to stretch, but this time in a comforting way, and with the moment our smiles stretched too. I like to imagine that even Walter and the little baby were smiling with us then.

Afterwards we had to confess to everything and I’m pretty sure we’re grounded until we’re 35. The baby’s due soon and Kevin and me have resolved to be the best siblings ever, we’ve also decided to try and get on better with Kathy because it turns out she’s not quite as evil or as witchy as we thought. She’s even starting to take some cookery classes, which improves our relationship a lot, that and the fact that the mouse incident got her over her mouse phobia and we were allowed to keep Walter as a pet! In the end, it all worked out for the best I suppose, cheesy as that sounds, and she makes Dad smile, which is the most important thing. Kevin says I won’t be saying that when the crying machine gets here. But he’s only joking. I hope…

The End

*I need to cut this down by A LOT for school, any ideas of what I can take away? Thank you in advance for any reviews! :) *