there was a time when i used to run
barefoot through the cool grass
that grew in the backyard of my house.
there was a time when i used to stand
and stare at the scarlet sun
as it lowered down into the hills.
but now i roll when i want to run
and now i sit when i want to stand
all because of a truck that didn't stop.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,890 Reviews
Hey.
WOAH this is great! I mean, I interpreted something else, but it came out to be something else, surprises are so much fun. I loved the theme, the wheelchair thing was a great idea (I hope it wasn't personal experience) But that is like understanding the pain of the disabled, something we all need to see, I thought you'd write of the same boring stuff, but this was different.
No technical glitches of course, this was perfect, just the capitalization of "I", personal thing, I don't like "i" at all.
Good job.
Keep writing and stay blessed
Wow, this is really beautiful. I don't have a lot to say about it overall, because it's just so lovely, so I'll just go through a couple nitpicks.
I like that it's centered, so you should keep that, but I'm not sure it really needs to be italicized. I think it would be fine without that.
I'd recommend putting a period on the first line of that stanza and a comma on the second. I think it would slow the reader down a bit and make them linger over the important parts.
Also, when you said "i roll when i want to run," it took me a moment to realize that you meant the narrator was in a wheelchair. At first I thought it meant rolling like down a hill, because of the mention of hills in the previous stanza. It was kind of confusing until I figured it out.
Other than that, I loved this, especially it's simplicity. It's a good thing that you don't go into too many details about the accident - keeping it short and sweet was definitely the way to go.
Hope to hear more from you! Good luck and keep writing!
Wow! This is a great poem!
When I first started reading it I thought it was just going to be 'oh, a kid grew up, now they regret it, blah blah blah'. But then i got to the end and the poem suddenly had a deeper meaning, it was more serious, very heartfelt.
I really liked ho you were able to pack so much punch in that last stanza. It all made sense when I read that, and I though it really flowed well.
I do have a few problems with this poem, though. I don't like how there is no capitalization, but there is punctuation. I think that you can't not do one while still doing the other. It just doesn't work like that. Also, the second stanza didn't make much sense. Even if a person can only sit, they can still watch the sun set over the hills. If you're trying to make a point about how you miss standing, then I think you can find better context.
Anyways, this was a beautiful poem! keep up the good work!
herby