I remember seeing your tears
I remember hearing you cry
Then you went and did it
And all I ask is why
Don't weep, my dear, be strong
My life was just a lie
You're all alone, but it's by choice
And all I ask is why
I remember you telling me how you felt
How you said you wanted to die
I didn't think you'd pull the trigger
And all I ask is why
I left the pain, and you can, too
The soul from your body you'll pry
But instead you decide to keep it there
And all I ask is why
Even though what's done is done
I still wish you didn't die
Right here I lay, by myself
And all I ask is why
It doesn't take a lot of work
You don't even need to try
You choose to leave me by myself
And all I ask is why
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
I love the idea behind the poem, which is quite original. You definitely have the knack for writing! Although it is not explicitly stated, I imagine this to be an old couple, which is all the more heartbreaking.
I just feel like there shouldn't be so much enjambment; the poem just flows on and on. Although the rhythm was actually good, but I would have read it at the same pace had there been a few commas at the end of the lines. Enjambment typically shows some sort of enthusiasm, and I don't see what there is to be enthusiastic about here.
It could use more imagery like JaBurton said, so I won't go into too much detail on that. I did like prying the soul from the body though.
Hi! I hope you like my review and that I don't sound harsh (I'm not trying to be, I swear)!
So... this is a really good start to a poem. I can tell through the words what you are trying to convey to us, or at least a story/scene that I interpreted, and -- while the rhyming is all the same sound -- I do not think that the rhyming was overdone. Maybe this is because the rhythm in this is consistent but broken up enough that it doesn't drone so I just casually take in the rhyming and words. I'm a little curious about how the last stanza would sound if it was altered to have a perfect rhyme, but that's just me wondering.
Now I'm getting into the "How to Make This Stronger" stuff.
Something I would like to address here is imagery. Although I said that this is a great start to a poem, there are only two instances where I can find imagery in here, and it's not exactly solid/tangible.
The trigger is either an actual gun or a metaphorical one. That's not really clear so I'm going to take it as literal. The soul being pried from the body is a great image in my head as I see it, but you should relate things to solid images. A plank of wood being pulled from the floor, gleaming metal, etc. A poem shouldn't tell us what the speak is feeling, but should show us through imagery.
The trick to looking at this poem is to take each feeling the speaker is trying to convey, and relate it to something. Now, it doesn't have to be everything. The thing is, in order to further wrap us up in the words, there should be something to wrap us up in. Lines like "Right here a lay, a ______/ and all I ask is why" would be a good way to start so you can see how inserting a noun would help boost the poem.
I sincerely enjoyed reading this, thank you.
Tigerlilly here to review!
I'd like to start by welcoming you to YWS!
Now to the point. This is deep! I absolutely love this poem, and I must say you are an incredible writer. I love the rhyme, and even when I read it out loud to myself, it has a perfect rhythm that makes it so wonderful to hear. Sometimes rhyming and the rhythm can be tricky, but you did a perfect job with it.
I think punctuation isn't needed, letting it have that smooth flow from one line to the next, and I even suggest not having the beginning of each line capitalized, though thats just my own personal opinion.
Anyways, this poem was very very amazing. Great job, and I look forward to reading more of your works!