Young Writers Society

Beautiful.

There is an experience that is like a blockbuster teaser trailer of summer images just kind of flashing by line after line, I get this through the strung-along fragments (stray cats, sit on a swing, read a book), it is an apt style choice for your subject and I dig your attention to your meter and sounds. Reading itself was enjoyable c: Repetition was used fairly well, I actually thought the double "drop-dead" lines worked marvelously as a kind of crescendo of emotions.

The good? The melding of images to sound and memory here that goes gorgeous with the structure. We have a structure of anticipation being built in your repeated lines "this could be..." and it is these lines that strike me pretty in the guts because I remember anticipating the bells for summer (or spring) break and how excited I was to live in that moment where the possibilities were endless, where we wanted to make the best of that time.

The voice of the narrator sets it up as a question too, which keeps us reading for the answer between the lines. This could just be an expectation, what we hope summer will bring us. Or this could just be something ordinary. It COULD be a lot of things, but what is it -really- This is what the poem seems to build up towards for me and my interpretation of that ending was something like "this could be the beginning of something wonderful" having the summer (or spring?) be the metaphor or symbol for this budding relationship. The idea is old as dirt but your execution is fresh and alive, wonderful c:

Now. Some things to mull over.

Teeth "like" chalk
Cheeks "like" cobble
Fingers "like" matches

The imagery feels to me watered down at parts, I think due to the lack of conviction. I could say I am "like" soft and fragile tissue paper. Ok. Great.

Or I could say my tissue convictions leave me crumpled in a bin. The difference here is one is descriptive and the other is a story. What is it exactly about chalk that makes your teeth "like" it? As a reader I have to fill in those blanks in my head every time you use a simile. I have to say to myself ooh that "sensation" of chalk on your teeth is what it is like, PLEASE note, this can be a super useful tool not a bad one. It engages with me. It allows me participation. I am only pointing out that there is a flurry of similes in one breath as though the narrator cannot come up with the right words to say and is reaching for these almost-the-right-words. This could be intentional, it is a legit experience that has want of expression.

Personally, I feel it crosses that double-edge sword of too much of something can be not so good. Is it better to say what you mean (clarity) above saying pretty things ? There's no right answer to this, just food for thought, I'd say in future edits balancing those two poles can help loads.

Other lines don't seem to add much (get distracted by the back of our eyelids) I read it a second time skipping that line and it didn't seem to change much for me.

The ending is a bit more of that "lots-of-disparate-things" with too short of a time to explore them. Shock value, yes! Ponder material, yes! However I am not sure how [licking] [apple cider] [expensive painting] work together. The offered cup seems to connect with the licking action and that was my biggest takeaway which makes me wonder (genuine question!)

If the stanza were:

when you met me i
was licking lemonade
from chalky teeth.
You offered me a cup.

Do those edits change the meaning of the end stanza for you as far as what you intended? For me and how I am reading it, it does not. However if it changes something for you then clarity may be needed.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Though she be small yet she be fierce .. this is a gorgeous poem. And I read through some f the reviews and saw the longer one and I have to kindly disagree. It doesn't have to make sense to be perfect. It has to make you feel something to be a bestseller. I felt the heat of summer on my face and imagined the feeling of chalky teeth after homemade sour lemonade. You make summer enjoyable and hot, dreadful and anticipated. Lord, this was a great piece.

I love love love those last few lines. Incredible <3

This seems really popular, so I sincerely hope I don't get shredded to pieces for critiquing it. Nonetheless, I'll do it.

Now, I'm not much of a poetry guy, right? Just feel like I need to get that out of the way. Still, despite this, I do believe there are some rules in all forms of writing that shouldn't be broken in the vast majority of styles. I'd agree that poetry can be bent in all sorts of ways, which is what makes it such a grand form of literature, but with that logic, we couldn't critique it at all, so let us ignore that fact for the sake of an easier review.

First of all, before we move on to the technicalities of your poem, I'm afraid I don't really get it. Call me illiterate or uninspired, but despite reading it multiple times over, I'm not really sure how to interpret it. What's the message meant to be? Or is there a message? Perhaps it is simply a description of spring and summer days? It's really quite vague is what I'm saying. That could be because I generally prefer more concrete themes, but it's still a factor that some people might find detrimental to the quality of your work.

Another thing I don't really fancy are the lowercase letters. Sentences should begin with capitals, and even though that's a prose rule, and poetry can, as I said, bend very well, it's a pretty standard rule that should, from my perspective, only be broken when it suits the style. All I'm saying is that here, it doesn't seem necessary.

Lastly, why is the last part of your poem so awkwardly small? I'd understand if there was a certain pattern to be seen, or if it was somehow less/more significant than everything else, but I can't really seem to understand the reasoning behind this choice. It doesn't tell me much at all.

There are a few phrases that I'd like to better understand. I'm a foreigner, so some of these may be metaphors I don't fully understand (even though I am fairly well versed in the English language). The one I'd really like to understand is: "When you met me, I was licking apple cider off an expensive painting." That one is by far the most bizarre and quite frankly beyond my comprehension. Bizarre doesn't mean bad, by the way. It's an interesting phrase that I'd love to understand better.

Other than that, seems alright to me! Fair usage of a more expanded vocabulary, spelling seems good, from what I can see. Line breaks are very consistent, and I applaud you for that. I highly dislike it when people throw line breaks around for absolutely no reason.

Again, I hope I don't get eaten alive by Pickman's ghoul for this one. I assure you that the critique is absolutely genuine and honest.

i already read this on your instagram and i love it <3