my sister has been
laying in her bed since she
graduated high school.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, amelie! VegasLights here to give you a review!
I totally see where you are coming from when you put this in the Satire category. This poem is short and sweet and gets straight to the point. Which I like because most people (me), put in a lot of detail just to get to the point of the poem but you get there quick. I feel like your point of view is from a little sister telling the sister "Hey, get out of here!" or giving the sister a range check. I don't know but either way, this poem is funny.
There was a mistake with the syllables in line 3 because there is 6 syllables instead of 5. Based off of the counting I did, it was a Haiku but I could be wrong. If that is the case, excuse me from my mistake.
Overall, I think your poem is different from the others you have written and I like that you are trying something different. That is definitely something I don't have the courage to do, so I admire you for that. Like I said before, it is short and sweet and gets to the point which is good. There is a very clear image in your poem and I think it was the clearest image I have ever seen. Because of the shortness in your poem, we saw that really clear image. I don't know if that made any sense but if you have a question feel free to ask! Sadly, all reviews must come to an end and here is the end of this one. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
xo. Miranda
(Previously Steam1244)
Short and sweet
Heyo, prepare for the shortest analysis.
Your power for inferential material bites you in this piece. I don't much care that you violate the senryu's final line's on-count, much rather I picked up on the second takeaway that the narrator's sister is just flat-out depressed, making the narrator and title incredibly cruel. I get that you legitimately meant this as a satire piece, but in the publishing world the genres won't be obvious and your readers are left to their devices. Consider that. But this is just a tongue-in-cheek piece. I just wanted to leave you with the lesson. Fix the last line's syllabic mistake, but don't change the poem. It's funny for the meaning intended.
You're a good.
Ty
i looooooveee it!
Hello, amelie! It's With3r3dros3 here swinging by for a review!!
Overall, I like this poem a lot, even though it's INSANELY short! I haven't read any of your other works because this is my first time I've come by your work! One thing I have to say is I HAVE NOT seen anybody write like this... and I'm saying that in a good way! Most poems I see try to make a point while putting A LOT of detail... with you, you just got the point across without adding a lot of detail.
Another thing I have to say is I like how you chose a haiku to write this poem! Haikus are one of my favorites! I honestly LOVE the topic you chose for your haiku because most people's haikus are about nature or animals... you know what I mean!
I like how you wrote in all lower caps - usually, that bothers me, but it doesn't bother me in your poem because I feel like it really fits the poem!
As far as all of that goes, I honestly can't tell if this is suppose to be a joke or if you're actually calling out your sister and telling her to get a job and move out.
Well that was all I had to say! I love this poem so much and I'm very excited to see what you write in the future! Keep writing and best of wishes!
xo. With3r3dros3
If you look under the title to the right of the published date, you can see the category and genre(s). That might give you some more clarity.
OH, excuse me for my mistake.
OH, excuse me for my mistake.
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
So this is different from your usual style, yet it fits, since it's the kind of joke that I'd expect from you. We always see older people saying that their children should get a job and move out, but from what I can tell, this is from your perspective as a younger sister. I found that interesting--I also found it interesting that you took to this in the form of a haiku. I don't have any large problems with it, the lines are straightforward and contain brevity in that you get your point across without having to drag the poem on and on.
It's simple, but at the same time, I don't know if the theme is one you want to get across. In a way it sort of criticizes people who haven't done anything since high school ended, maybe because they haven't had the chance, but I'm sure that's not what you intended. While it could come off that way, I can see that rather, you're criticizing your sister for laying in bed and doing nothing, but I just wanted to note that.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem even though it's not what you usually put out, and I like that you're experimenting with different styles and structures lately. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.