Young Writers Society

Amelie, this is gorgeous and great and healing.

I am deepest in love with the line about the fake world at five in the morning, and if anyone reading this had not had the chance to walk the world when most everyone else is asleep, please find some way to make it happen, because your sense of the world is not complete without it.

I love how it is tangled with the previous sentence, because it then gives the sense that these are things the two beings are experiencing together, and the speaker just wants to relive them by having the other tell about them again.

Now, my sense of the the vomit section is much different, but still acceptable, because if we can share tender moments at dawn, I know you can trust me to talk about your problems. And it seems like the burning paper edges is supposed to be like a transition between those two sections, but it's the sentence I do not get at all and almost want to suggest you take out altogether. If it's meant to be a transition, I think it needs another look at. If you don't want a transition (which is fine, because we weren't moving too fast anyway, and I can change directions at this pace), I think you'd do well without that part.

I love the sense of community and dread in the final stanza, and how it hits my absurdist bone just right, because if someone wrote a story about reality, nobody would believe it, and here's a poem about our existence.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you in some way, because gosh was this poem a pleasure to read. If you have questions/comments about this review, feel free to PM or reply here. Thanks so much for sharing,

Hannah

Oh, you. This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I've already told you that I adore this piece, but let's get more into why, and how you can come to make it stronger. I already know that the lines "Tell me about" and "and how" are pulled from the poem Scheherazade by Richard Siken. I'm in love with how you use this in the piece, and how "Tell me about" is used as repetition. Delving farther into the piece, a complaint I had about the structure is that it's a little hard to see where stanzas end and where stanzas begin. The first five lines seem and feel as if they should be one stanza, but then you continue.

I'm thinking that maybe it's just an error on your part, but I'm not quite sure. The first two lines in the piece are strong, though I don't know if arms can bubble. This also doesn't make sense when you look at the line subsequent to this, which talks about how fake the world is at five in the morning. In the first line, perhaps instead of 'burned', use 'seared' instead? It's a bit stronger and more descriptive. I believe that you could end off the third line with a semicolon and replace 'with' in the beginning of the fourth line with 'the'.

Also in the fourth line, 'that' doesn't seem too necessary in there and is only interrupting the flow. So far, the main problem that I've found here are the unnecessary words that you carry in this piece that don't have to be here. I suggest going through and cutting these out. Another problem that's not as large in this piece is that each stanza is almost a different poem in itself.

They have a hard time connecting to each other, almost. I love each of them--individually. I would like the poem to have more of a rope to tie it together rather than a thread, but for what it is, it works, and the main problems that I've seen popping up in your poetry are ones that are here in this piece. Flow or unneeded words. Hopping around in terms of imagery. You've got imagery to a tee, now it's time to focus on those other aspects and tackling them. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey, amie salami! Anna banana here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

First and foremost, your language is on point. It seems that every poem you write, no matter the subject, your word choice is amazing. Your execution rarely lacks. This is definitely the case with this poem. I can't find any issues with word choice or awkward, choking sentences. In that sense, your flow is fine. Nothing with word choice hampers it.

I don't think your eighth line needs to have its own line. I feel like it breaks up the thought unnecessarily.

Your content seemed confusing to me. How does it all tie together? What links it? Maybe your point is that it doesn't make sense. But I still feel like you need to relate these things more than you have.

I know you wanted me to address your flow, so I'll try to explain my thoughts, though they may not make much sense. You've been warned. I think that alliteration and internal rhymes would have improved the flow. You make wonderful use of your words, but not your word devices. Other than that, I didn't find issues with flow.

You know where to find me if you have any questions!

~Storm

Hello, amelie! VegasLights here to give you a review!

I loved the theme throughout your poem. But I don't understand how the title matches the poem, if you could please explain that would be helpful. Now onto the actual review! I will give you some negatives and some positives about your poem, here they are!

Lines 3-6. Lines three through six needs something in the grammar section. Sense lines three and four could be one sentence, but you chose to add on. So, I suggest that you add a comma to line five, but that is totally a suggestion. It is really a need, but I feel like it would make more sense to have a comma there.

Stanzas. I love how your stanzas -or at least that is how the poem comes up on my computer- has unique descriptive words. It adds more speciality to the poem instead of just saying something that was completely irrelevant to the poem you added something that completely made sense, or at least to me.

I also loved the ending two lines and how they ask the reader a question. Well, it kind of ask a question at least that is how I interpret it. Like you are asking the reader to tell them why it doesn't make sense and to me that is more of a question. They really made me ask the question but I couldn't say anything, I don't know why though!

Everything else is really good and is really beautiful. Keep in my mind, that your whole poem is beautiful not just what I mentioned. Sadly, here comes the end of this review. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

~Keep Writing~

VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)