Broken Glass (Chapter 2?)

by amberlemayy

Published March 25, 2016

16+

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Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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After my day had been practically ruined, I had to force myself into staying until my last hour. My instincts were screaming at me to get out, but I knew that if I left Andrea would find me at home and chew me out. Luckily, I didn't have any more encounters with Trevor, which made walking through the halls a little more bearable. 

I wasn't used to being around so many people anymore. I felt like my head was going to explode from all the voices whirring around me. Some of my old friends had tried to talk to me, and I guess you could say I tried to respond. Well, if you consider a half-hearted hello, and an awkward smile a response, I mean. But hey, I promised Andrea that I'd show up, not that I'd enjoy it. 

I practically sprinted out of school as the last bell rang. Relief washed over me as I burst through the glass doors and let the fresh air fill my lungs. Though it had only been a few hours since I was out here, it felt like forever. After allowing myself a few moments to bask in the sun's rays, I slowly made my way over to the Lame-O Van. When I got to the door, I looked around to see if Andrea was anywhere in sight. I took a quick scan of the parking lot, realizing she must still be inside, and dug in my purse to find my spare key. 

After a few moments of panic, I finally found it and pulled it out, admiring the paint job I had given it a few days ago. I had just unlocked the door when I felt hand on my shoulder. Assuming it was Andrea, I turned around, ready to fume about my first day back to school. When I saw that it wasn't my sister standing behind me, I quickly sucked my breath back in. I took a step back and I felt my face go from angry to just plain infuriated. 

"Trevor," I said, spitting his name out like venom. The smile he had plastered on his face faded a little, leaving only little curves at the ends of his mouth. 

"Yeah, hi," he mumbled, his eyes darting to the pavement. " I just wanted to apologize again for earlier. I really didn't mean to knock all of your stuff down." 

"Oh, so it's okay that you knocked me over in the process? What a gentleman." I turned and dumped my backpack into the back seat of the car, ignoring Trevor the best I could. 

There was a few moments of silence in which I contemplated whether I should cuss him out now, or just leave it at a glare. I was seriously considering cussing him out when his words interrupted my thoughts.

"I never got your name, by the way," his hand was in his hair, messing it up even more than it already was. I set my eyes into a killer glare and took two steps towards him.

"So you knock me over, make me spill all of my books, embarrass me in front of my whole first hour, and now you're here trying to make friends?" I poked him in the chest with my finger a few times just to prove my point. He looked pretty baffled, which gave me a surge of confidence. 

"Just so you know, I'm not the type of girl you want to be friends with. And even if I was, knocking me down wouldn't be a great first impression," I fired off. He didn't break our eye contact, but his face began to mirror that of a sad puppy. Even if I had wanted to say more, I couldn't. Not with his big, sad, puppy eyes staring at me as if I had broken his heart.

I took a deep breath and shifted my weight back so that we weren't so close. 

"Maya," I sighed, defeat hanging in my voice. "My name is Maya." 

Trevor stuck his hand out and grinned.

"Nice to meet you, Maya." He glanced at my hand expectantly, but quickly brought his arm back down by his side when he realized that there was no chance of me shaking his hand. 

Then suddenly his face changed, and his eyes darted to the ground. The expression on his face made it seem as though he was thinking something. When he looked up, his mouth started to open, but no words came out. Instead, Andrea walked up to us, a confused expression on her face. This obviously was not what she had expected to arrive to.

Trevor glanced backwards, and seeing Andrea took a couple steps back.

"It was nice meeting you, Maya. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow." He flashed me that sparkling half smile of his, and I couldn't help but blushing a little bit as I watched him walk away. 

After a few moments, I realized I was staring and looked over at Andrea, who was gaping at me, her mouth wide open. I smirked, but didn't say a word and got into the passenger seat of the van. 

Neither of us said anything on the way home, but there was a palpable tension that filled the air. I knew that as soon as we got home, she would grill me like no tomorrow. It was for that very reason that I kept the silence as long as I could. 

"Maya?" My sisters voice squeaked at me. We were parked in our drive way, and just as I had assumed, the doors were locked, and she had turned in her seat to face me. 

"Uh, yes?" I answered. I thought that maybe if I played dumb, she would forget the whole thing had happened at all. That didn't work. 

"Was that a... boy? Back at school, I mean. Were you actually talking to that boy?" My sister's face spread into a huge smile, her clear blue eyes sparkling with surprise. I could feel the blood flooding to my cheeks and knew I was screwed.

"Yes, Andrea. That was a boy. Now, can I please go inside and forget that today ever happened?" I clenched my eyes shut and lightly pounded my head against the head rest. All I had wanted to do at that point was just hide away in my room for the rest of the night, but I could feel Andrea squirming with excitement beside me. 

"Maya, you aren't getting out of this van until you explain to me how you and that extremely attractive boy became engaged in conversation." My sister was, at this point, bouncing up and down in her seat. 

I sucked in a big breath, pushing it out with irritation. I was not in the mood to talk about boys with my sister. Especially not this boy. But when Andrea wants something, she gets it. So I had to suck up my pride.

"Fine," I said, turning to face my overly excited sister, " his name is Trevor." 

My sister beamed with pride and immediately began grilling me with question upon question. Although I tried to seem annoyed about the whole ordeal, my sister's happiness made that all melt away. It was nice to finally have a somewhat normal conversation with her again. Neither of us had really been the same since our parents passing, and though Andrea seemed to bounce back a little quicker than I had, we had never really regained the sisterly chemistry that we both loved. 

Finally, when Andrea had gotten as much information out of me as humanly possible, we both got out of the van and walked into the house. Somehow, I felt different. Better, actually. My first day back to school had gone nothing like how I thought it would, but when I talked to my sister, it felt as though everything could be okay. Maybe the whole thing with Trevor wasn't so bad after all. 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Hello and happy review day! :D

Well, if you consider a half-hearted hello, and an awkward smile a response, I mean.

Do the "well" or the "I mean" but not both.

After a few moments of panic, I finally found it and pulled it out, admiring the paint job I had given it a few days ago. I had just unlocked the door when I felt hand on my shoulder. Assuming it was Andrea, I turned around, ready to fume about my first day back to school. When I saw that it wasn't my sister standing behind me, I quickly sucked my breath back in. I took a step back and I felt my face go from angry to just plain infuriated.

I'm noticing that you have a similar sentence structure happening throughout a lot of this so far. You have these long prepositions like "after a few moments of panic" and then a comma and then the rest of the sentence (with maybe another comma in there as well). If you look through you'll notice that all of these sentences have at least one comma in them.
It's fine to write sentences like this, but I would try to change it up a bit and not write all of your sentences like this. It can kind of mess with the overall flow and sound of the piece to have a bunch of sentences that sound exactly the same.

There was a few moments of silence in which I contemplated whether I should cuss him out now, or just leave it at a glare. I was seriously considering cussing him out when his words interrupted my thoughts.

You don't need that second sentence because it's a bit redundant. We already know that she's thinking about cussing him out. Then it becomes obvious that his words interrupts that thought because he talks and we don't see her thoughts anymore.

And even if I was, knocking me down wouldn't be a great first impression,"

Okay she's mentioned this knocking her down thing like three times now. We get it. He knocked her down and it made her mad :)

He didn't break our eye contact, but his face began to mirror that of a sad puppy. Even if I had wanted to say more, I couldn't. Not with his big, sad, puppy eyes staring at me as if I had broken his heart.

Really? That's all it took for her to soften? ;)

Then suddenly his face changed, and his eyes darted to the ground. The expression on his face made it seem as though he was thinking something.

I don't think you need that second sentence because it's kind of ambiguous and also overly assuming. I don't know what a face looks like when someone is thinking something. That could look like anything. My face is blank right now but I'm thinking about plenty of things :) Also, he's looking down, so how would she get a good look at his face? And also, he could be having whatever face he's having for a myriad of reasons so she can't assume she knows why.

My sister beamed with pride and immediately began grilling me with question upon question. Although I tried to seem annoyed about the whole ordeal, my sister's happiness made that all melt away.

I want to see this conversation happen instead of hear about it.


Overall, I liked this chapter. Without any context to the story because I'm coming in a bit late, I was able to connect with your characters. I love first person and Maya has a nice strong voice that can support first person. That's key, so nice job there! I really love her attitude as well (I have a soft spot for that). The dialogue and everything felt authentic and I felt like I could visualize everything that was happening really well. The bit at the end with her sister was excellent. You captured that relationship really, really well. I thought that was probably the strongest part of the whole thing.

I'd be happy to read more if you decide to post more! Just let me know! (And I can go back and read the previous chapter(s) if you would like as well. And let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Happy review day!

Specifics

1.

After my day had been practically ruined, I had to force myself into staying until my last hour. My instincts were screaming at me to get out, but I knew that if I left [There needs to be a comma here, otherwise it reads as if Andrea is being left behind.] Andrea would find me at home and chew me out. Luckily, I didn't have any more encounters with Trevor, which made walking through the halls a little more bearable.


2.
After a few moments of panic, I finally found it and pulled it out, admiring the paint job I had given it a few days ago. I had just unlocked the door when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
It would be nice to have a brief description of the paint job, even if it's as simple as 'the purple paint job' or 'the graffiti paint job' - just a small extra detail.

3.
"I never got your name, by the way," [This should be a full stop and then a capital h because it's not being followed with a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags are he said/ she whispered and that's the only time you'd end dialogue with a comma.] his hand was in his hair, messing it up even more than it already was. I set my eyes into a killer glare and took two steps towards him.


4.
"It was nice meeting you, Maya. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow." He flashed me that sparkling half smile of his, and I couldn't help but blushing blush a little bit as I watched him walk away.


5.
"Maya?" My sister's voice squeaked at me. We were parked in our drive way, and just as I had assumed, the doors were locked, and she had turned in her seat to face me.


Overall

I think this chapter flowed really nicely and you had a good sense of pacing and some lovely dialogue. The characters came through well and while I think you could have a few extra little pieces of detail or description, for the most part this is a really smooth read. It's not an overly exciting chapter but it's sweet ad expands on the characters enough that it will keep your readers going until you hit some action.

Good job!

~Heather

Thank you for all the help! I struggle with commas and quotations sometimes, so I really needed that. I appreciate the time you took to go through this and make it better!

Rydia replied · Nov 4, 2016

No problem :)



All the turtles are related.
— Jack Hanna