z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Broken Glass (Chapter 1)

by amberlemayy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"Maya, hurry up and get your ass down here!" I could hear my sister Andrea screaming at me from the bottom of our winding staircase. 

"I'm coming!" I yelled back, turning back to face the mirror I had been using to apply my makeup. I was in no rush. I put my eyeliner pencil down, and looked back at my reflection in the oval shaped glass. 

"It'll have to do," I muttered to myself before turning to grab my favorite grey,denim textured jacket. I had only taken two steps out of my room before I heard more screaming.

"MAYA! If you're not down here in 10 seconds, I am leaving without you, and you will have to walk to school in the freaking rain!" I heard her stomp out of the house and slam the door. I sighed and made my way down the stairs. When I reached the bottom, I looked out of the large window that stood right next to our front door. Andrea was sitting in our lame blue minivan, the music from her phone blaring through the weak speakers of the vehicle.

"I guess this means she gets aux rights," I thought to myself before shoving my feet into my beat up sneakers and walking out of the door. 

"Took you long enough. Now buckle up before I tie you in here myself," Andrea growled at me. She definitely wasn't a morning person. I took the mangled mess of headphones out of my pocket and sorted through them as quickly as I could. Despite our early morning grumbles, Andrea and I got along pretty well for the most part. We agreed on most things, but sadly, music was not one of those things. 

I looked over at Andrea, who was doing her best to keep up with the wise words of Tupac, and slid the small, sound-blocking saviors into my ears. Immediately my ears were filled with Twenty-one Pilots, and just like that, my morning had gotten a little better. The twenty minute journey that took us to school was always too short. As soon as we pulled into the large parking lot, I was overwhelmed with the people everywhere. 

Yeah, I was a Junior at Seacrest High, I should be used to this by now! But I wasn't. After my mother passed away last year, I had done my best to stay away from large crowds of people. I had managed to succeed in my endeavor for the most part, skipping school for the last fourth of my sophomore year, and staying away from places like the mall. I was planning on doing the same thing this year, but Andrea made me promise to do my best and just get through the year. So there I was, getting out of our minivan, and walking towards swarms of people, just because my she wanted me to. Damn, I was a good sister.

I looked around, searching for a familiar face, but gave up, hurrying away to my first class instead. I was almost to the door of AP Physics when someone bumped into me, knocking all of the books I had been holding, and myself, to the floor. 

"I'm so sorry!" A voice came from above me, but I didn't even look.

"It's fine. I got it," I said as I scrambled to get all of my books back into my arms. I was just about to stand up again, when I saw an arm sticking out, probably there to help me. 

"Oh, no thanks, I'm go-" My sentence trailed off as I looked up to see who it was who had accidentally knocked me over. He was absolutely stunning, like a boy out of a magazine. Or, at least I think so. I don't really read magazines.  He bent over a bit and grabbed my arm, carefully pulling me up towards him. 

"Uh, thanks. You really didn't have to do that," I said, looking at my shoes to avoid the awkward eye contact I knew would occur. 

Completely ignoring my words, the boy crouched down a little, trying to get a good look at me. 

"Are you okay?" he asked me, his hand still lingered on the sleeve of my jacket.

"Oh, god..." I groaned to myself as my hear exploded into little flutters. 

"Yeah, uh, I'm fine. Thanks..." I mumbled, trying to slowly take a few steps away.The first bell had rung, notifying students that we only had one minute to get to class. The boy didn't even seem to notice, though. He was still looking at me like I was a piece of glasswork that had just been dropped. 

"Alright, well at least let me walk you to class." He turned me around and started walking towards my class which, thank the heavens was only a few yards away. 

I was just about to walk into the already full classroom when I felt something hold me back. 

"Hey, wait!" The strange boy called in a hushed voice. I turned to look at him and melted, actually noticing his charm for the first time. His mouth was curved into a perfect half smile, shallow dimples embedded in both of his cheeks. 

"He has to be putting effort into this," I thought to myself, shifting my way onto one foot.

"I'm Trevor. I'll see you around?" he asked, his honey brown eyes melting me with every word. I nodded and watched him walk away. When I turned to go into class, I noticed that the whole room was staring at me, some even laughing. My face turned a violent shade of red, and the warm, girly feeling that had been building in my chest had immediately vanished. Now I was pissed. I stomped over to the only chair left, and shielded my face the best I could with my jacket. 

"I hope I never see that stupid Trevor kid again." I thought to myself as my first lecture begun. 


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15 Reviews


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Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:03 pm
moonpolice wrote a review...



I really liked this! It was really good and, for the most part, really well written. If I could give you any advice, it would be just to simplify it. There are some run-on sentences in here that would be easier to read if you shortened them, especially at the beginning. I also don't feel like we need to know everything about these girls all at once. It's alright if you let us find out about them throughout the story. It adds mystery to the story and draws the reader in.

I love Trevor, though.




amberlemayy says...


Thank you!! I will look for those run-on's and try to shorten them up a bit!



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:56 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi Amber!

To be very honest, I didn't expect a whole lot from this chapter when I first started to read but I was pleasantly surprised! I'm going to piggy back on what the previous reviewer and mentioned and restate the fact that Maya seems like a very genuine character and you've crafted the girl-next-door trope quite well. Although, you have done so without exhausting the reader with the typical story line. Of course, I would encourage you in the future to perhaps branch out into your own creative world, but this is a good start for a first chapter. :)

The narration flows with great ease and I rarely found myself rereading a sentence or trying to understand what you meant. There were moments where I felt that the wording was a bit awkward or you used some vocabulary that just didn't quite fit, so you should be mindful of that. This is a short and sweet chapter, but it still wouldn't hurt to flesh it out a bit, especially on aspects that absolutely require some explanation. For example, you barely grazed the fact that Maya's mother has passed away. Even though the death was a year ago, it's obviously huge to lose a parent and it sounds like Maya was heavily affected, more so than Andrea, because of the way she still intends to avoid real life. Instead of nonchalantly mentioning this sad situation, you need to flesh it out a bit more and give it the attention it deserves. You can't just use the death as mere characterization, because death is a big thing and nobody can ignore that.

Another thing I noticed was that you were a little inconsistent with tenses, sometimes. Remember, if you're writing this with the past tense, you must stick to the past tense (except in exceptional circumstances). You can't flip-flop between tenses because that becomes very confusing. I would suggest you give your chapter a proof-read for any wrong verb conjugations. If you feel that you cannot find them, reading aloud is also a good option and a surefire way to find any mistakes.

I do have a few nitpicks, but I'll put them in a spoiler to save space.

Spoiler! :
I put my eyeliner pencil down and looked at myself in the large oval reflective glass. 


This is an unbearably ridiculous way of describing "mirror". I know you used the word in the preceding sentence, so if you're looking for a synonym, "glass" will suffice.

before turning to grab my grey "denim-y" jacket.


Denim will do, unless you want to go off on a descriptive tangent about how un-denim the jacket is. You're drawing too much attention to something that is much too insignificant.

MAYA! If you're not down here in 10 seconds,


I remain unconvinced that all-caps is visually appealing. Furthermore, please write the number in letters. Ex: ten instead of 10.

I looked out of the large window that stood right next to our front door.


A window does not stand. ;)

Andrea and I got along pretty well for the most part, and we agreed on most things, but sadly, music was not one of those things.


I remain unconvinced considering how awfully Andrea was treating her sister only moments before. This is an inconsistency in your story that cannot be ignored.

making me even more nervous that I had been in the first place. 


I think she was just as nervous the first time. What's the difference now?

"Hey, wait!" The strange boy sort of whispered at me.


Usually a "Hey, wait!" is more of a calling out kind of thing. It doesn't feel like he is whispering to her. And what's the "sort of" doing there anyway?

I turned to look at him and melted, actually noticing his charm for the first time. 


I don't believe this since the first time she noticed him she compared him to a photoshopped boy on a glossy magazine cover. ;)


Overall, I really did enjoy this chapter. It was easy to get through and I like the simplicity of it. Of course, there are a few things you need to focus on but it's nothing too major. Let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks for the lovely read and let me know when you post more chapters. :)

Best,
Lav




amberlemayy says...


Thank you so much for the review! I will go back through and look for those grammatical mistakes and verb tense errors. I was planning on having Maya talk about her mother's death in one of the next chapters. Also, Andrea and Maya really do get along. Around when Andrea is being so bossy, I specify that she's not a morning person. Though I do agree that some of the things you have pointed out need some changing, some others are just my writing style. I hope you don't take that as offensive, because I definitely do not mean it as so! If you would still like me to, I can notify you as soon as I put chapter two up! Again, thanks a bunch for looking so carefully at my writing!!



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 1:20 am
EmptySoul wrote a review...



Hello there, EmptySoul is here to review your chapter! :)

What I liked:
-Your chapter is well structured most of the time
-It wasn't dull at all. Your chapter didn't make me feel like switching off to another one. I really want to read the next chapter
-Your main character is really interesting. She seems very genuine. I can't wait to see her develop throughout your novel, novella or novelette.

What you need to improve:

-You need to re-read your chapter since you missed a few commas.
-Watch out for the structure of your dialogue. Sometimes you wrote it well, sometimes you didn't.


xxx

~EmptySoul




amberlemayy says...


Thank you so much! I'm glad you got that vibe from Maya! That's something I was really trying to portray through her. I didn't proofread this very well, so I will definitely go through again and check for those comma errors, as well as dialogue flooks. Thank you again!




Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)