The Unworthy Hero

Hello again! I am back (as if that were not obvious. )
So, the alpaca was trying out some short stories, huh? Curious...

So, you've obviously got a lot of mystery and suspense here. Dempsey is at the point of death with Lucy about ready to kill him. We have the answer written here as to why and that is...He killed his family-mother, father, and baby sister. And then (if I'm understanding correctly) he pretended like someone else did all that to get sympathy. And then he's called a hero...but I'm not exactly sure way...Either way, that's one interesting plot, but I do have some suggestions...

So, first of all, allow me to introduce myself as a dark mystery/suspense writer of long, intricately woven novels. I don't write short stories, so keep my bias in mind as you read this.

I suggest lengthening this. It can still be a short story, but I feel like more questions need to be answered such as WHY did Dempsey kill his family or answer my personal question DID he kill his family or is this what Lucy thinks? I also suggest developing character relationships more. Is Lucy related to Dempsey? Is that why she's angry? Is she a stranger? A friend of someone who Dempsey killed? Where does this take place? A fantasy world, or earth years ago? These are just a few of the questions that popped up in my mind when I was reading this.

Additionally, I don't know exactly who is the main character. At the beginning it seemed like we were following Lucy's side of the story, but then you had a few of Dempsey's thoughts in there, so I think Dempsey's the main character. If so, try to put more of what he's doing in the beginning.

Okay, enough critiques! It's time for the positive stuff. Once again, good control on Grammer and spelling. I love your ironic sentences such as when Dempsey says that his story is true as the setting sun as his heart sinks, or "the wrinkles on his face quivered like fragile leaves." Good sentences there!! It puts a really good mental image into it, along with all of your descriptive details about blood etc which led me to think that maybe this occured during a battle?

Anyway, I think that's all for this review! Have a great week and keep writing!!

-Kaia

P.S.
Are there more parts to this that I may have missed?

Hello! I'm here to leave a little review/comment!

Let me lead by saying that I really enjoyed this short story even though we don't know the world or characters that well. It's really difficult to pull off a Fantasy short story but I felt like you did that here!

Right off the bat I love how you draw your readers in with a bang:

"She gripped a sword in her hand, tainted with fresh blood. The sharp tip sat squarely on the hero’s neck, ready to take his life."

Like, wow! I'm in intrigued!

And despite not having the background fully fleshed out I love how you conveyed the backstory of the conflict. (Ahh the hero speech and the villain's rebuttal!) And I also liked how you also showed Lucy and Dempsey's characters.

Dempsey, cares about his pride and name more than his own life:
“My past is as true as the rising sun” (...Like, bro, there's a sword at your neck...)

Lucy, a hard-working, loyal and true hero:
"Every single day, I worked and trained and served you to gain your approval."
"I want to kill you on the spot...But it’s better to see you suffer shame and pain. See how everyone who has loved you, admired you, and supported you will turn against you looking upon you with shame and disgust.”

Overall, this is a great short! And it makes me wonder what else could be going on in this world and read more from it! Keep writing!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this a lovely little piece right here. I think it captures that title beautifully there and even though we don't fully know the backstory of these two characters you've told us enough and shown us enough emotion here that we actually get a great sense of who they are as characters and I think that's lovely to see.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Lucy?”

A young woman with a flowing brown mane narrowed her emerald eyes at the hero. She gripped a sword in her hand, tainted with fresh blood. The sharp tip sat squarely on the hero’s neck, ready to take his life. The hero was full of confusion and rage. The wrinkles on his face quivered like fragile leaves. How could she have all people turn on him?

“Lucy,” he repeated in a disgusted tone. “I raised you. I trained you. I nurtured you. Is putting me in this position the way a daughter should act?”

To his surprise, she scoffed and the sword bore a little deeper. Her face was stained with dirt, but her expression was clear, full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.

“Listen here, Dempsey,” she seethed, making him recoil on the ground. She has never called him by his name. She was his daughter. The girl that called him Papa. But instead of love and admiration, hate and anger burned in her eyes like a volcano waiting to erupt.

“You adopted me, because you wanted to gain popularity for raising the daughter of a dead woman. But the things you put me through are far beyond people’s imagination. Every single day, I worked and trained and served you to gain your approval. All was for nought! How many times have you beaten me out of love? Do you beat someone you love to the point they cannot stand? Do you torture someone with words to the point they shut themselves to everyone? Do you make your daughter some servant that works day and night? All the while, people envied my life because I was the daughter of a hero.”

Dempsey clenched his jaw, his graying hair seeming to shake. His hands were trying to search for a weapon to fight back. Lucy spotted him and trembled ferociously.

“Coward!” Lucy screamed at him, kicking away the small dagger near Dempsey’s hand. “You’ve always been a scheming villain in the guise of a hero. You saved people only to get something in return! You even fabricated your past to gain sympathy from others.”

“My past is as true as the rising sun,” Dempsey countered. But his heart started to sink.

Lucy spat. “You still lie even if my sword is at your neck.” She retrieved a small scroll from her knapsack. Dempsey did not know what it was, but it was vaguely familiar.

“Your family never died because of plunderers. And you never saved them. You killed them yourself,” Lucy explained coolly. Her grin was near psychopathic when Dempsey’s skin was devoid of blood. “You killed them and created a tragic story of how you were the only survivor. You are a murderer, liar, and deceiver!”

“I have gone through hell!” Dempsey protested. “My actions are reasonable!”

“You’ve made yourself a hero out of your crime,” Lucy said. “You had no right to kill every single person in that household, whether it was your alcoholic father, your absentee mother, or your innocent baby sister.” Dempsey recoiled when Lucy elaborated his relatives, dead because of his own actions.

“Well, now everyone’s going to know.”

Dempsey broke out in a cold sweat. What does that mean?

“I sent a copy of this message to all the corners of the country. They will see the evidence that there were no plunderers on the day your parents died. They will see the evidence of your crime, which you thought you buried so long ago,” Lucy said. With a smile, she enunciated, “You are finished.” Dempsey was near fainting.

“I want to kill you on the spot,” Lucy explained. “But it’s better to see you suffer shame and pain. See how everyone who has loved you, admired you, and supported you will turn against you looking upon you with shame and disgust.”

With a swift move, Lucy sheathed her sword and put her foot on his chest. “I will spare you. I do want to see how this will turn out.” As a final reminder, she punched Dempsey until he was too weak to move. Before she left, she whispered these words to him.

“You’ve failed your family, your country, and your friends. And most of all, you’ve failed me.”

“You are not worthy of becoming anyone’s hero.”

“Goodbye, Dempsey. May your name rot.”

hey there! this is Ina aka loveissourgrapes talking and I am here to give you a review/comment. it's been awhile since a reviewed a short story so yeah, I am happy I found this. anyways, let's go review this wonderful story.

first impressions. at first, I found it very sad about Dempsey's relationship with his adopted daughter, Lucy. but then, he tried to kill her the next so she thinks he's an unworthy hero. the introduction had good description about how Lucy felt and how she looks like but I don't understand why is Dempsey called a unworthy hero and I think you should continue on the ending with another short story or chapter of what happened to Dempsey at the end.

the description of the fight was good. I also didn't see any typos or grammatical errors so that is good too. although, I didn't really understand much of the plot. maybe you should tell more about it. the plot seems good it's just that you should explain it more so your readers can understand it more. overall, you are a good writer and this story is good. keep up on your writing! I would like to read more about you.

I saw this story and I am shocked it doesn't have any reviews or comments. anyways, have a great day/night too c: