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Drowning

by alabasterwolveness


Down in the cold
Sorrowful waves
Crash above
My only thoughts...
Are of you
My love
.
Left to sleep
At the bottom
Sandy and cold
My soul slowly leaving
To search for
Something more.
.
Down in the cold
Sorrowful waves
Crash above
My only thoughts...
Are of you
My love
.
Tears I shed
But only when I'm left for dead
May only vanish
Along with my punished...
SOUL!
.
Down in the cold
Sorrowful waves
Crash above
My only thoughts...
Are of you
My love
.
Waves satisfied by
My departure
Only to laugh
At my foolishness
My soul that
Was once lost...
Now wonders the seas
For the loneliness I possess
.
Down in the cold
Sorrowful waves
Crash above
My only thoughts...
Are of you
My love
My thoughts still
Rest with you love
Till my soul joins yours...
Only think of this as... 


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532 Reviews

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:47 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey alabasterwolveness! I'm Arc, here to review!

So firstly when I read this, i really did enjoy if because I just thought it was quite sweet. And it was one of those lyrics where simplicity is key, because it just made it sound really nice and I think if you altered the language to more sort of, different language, it would spoil it.

Now, onto critiques. Not many to be honest. Generally, i think it is quite repetitive so maybe just change things up a bit by altering the order of things to make it more interesting. From what I can see, there are two clear section which are repeated so maybe you could add a third one to make it a bit more interesting.

Secondly, sometimes when I was reading it I felt that the rhythm got mucked a bit. All I'll say to do with this is just to simply read it out loud and when things don't sounds write add/take away to it to fix the sound of it.

Overall, I really did enjoy it! You're a great song-writer! I hope my review helped, PM me with questions or if you want something else to be reviewed.

Keep Writing!
-Arc




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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
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Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:59 pm
dogs wrote a review...



HEELLOOO WOLFY BOY! It's been a long time =D. I was looking back in the archives of YWS and came across this lovely piece. Now I'm not a master at Lyrics but I'll do my best shot!

Ok firstly in most poems I'm lenient on if you use grammar or not.. but for this the no grammar makes your lines incredibly difficult to read. I have to read every stanza at least twice to get a feel for where the breaks and pauses should go. So the first stanza should look like:

"Down in the cold,
sorrowful waves
crash above.
My only thoughts...
are of you
my love."

Not much you gotta add in but in makes a huge difference to the reader.

Ok, so I understand you have the chorus repetition, but should you start a song with a chorus line? That seems a little out of the ordinary to me.

Ok for the second stanza you've already established that it's cold and you're on the bottom. use some more descriptors, what do you see on the bottom? Cold is such an overused word, look it up in the thesaurus if you find yourself becoming repetitive.

So, almost never use all caps in writing, unless you're using a lot of exclamation points and you need to make something really stand out then use all caps. But here I think an exclamation point will do just fine.

"Waves satisfied by departure...

I loovveee that stanza. That's absolutely perfect, keep it as it is! Me gusta maximus :3.

Ok coming to a good closure in the last stanza.. but you end on an incredibly weak note. You say "only think of this as.." and boom.. it's over. That's like ending a movie right when the Hero is about to tell you how he impossible solved the case. Or right as the villain is about to tell how his evil plan was accomplished. You'd want to gas your car and drive to the bridge if that happened in a movie, so try to avoid doing that in a song. Defnitly re write that last line and make a stronger ending note.

Apart from those tiny notes I think this is wonderful. I really do enjoy it, stay in touch my friend and if you ever need a review lemme know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:14 am
NaRachel says...



Hi :)
I really liked this! Personally I thought the idea was a little bit 'done before ' but as a song I think that doesn't matter as much. The execution was great, I liked the repetitious wake like nature! Nothing really stood out, good job and keep writing! I would like to hear this :)




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Sat Dec 22, 2012 10:22 pm
freakgirl508 says...



this is really beautiful





Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell