Hi, alabaster!
You have an interesting piece here. The last verse I thought was most interesting. It was a cool ending to this sort of song -- rather suspenseful. Or anti-climactic. Pretty cool!
The song itself seems rather empty, though. I think it's meant to be scary, but it's really not. It's just sort of saying words with no meaning. I'd have liked to get an idea on who was talking here, what kind of people are the subjects of this song. Why should I be scared? Why should I not be happy to see them? And surely there must be a story behind it to at least hint to for the listeners' sakes.
Verse 2 is probably my least favorite. The flow overall was a bit back and forth, but in this verse specifically, it wasn't there at all. And in fact, the verses were rather weak compared to the chorus. The verses typically delve further into what the chorus is talking about. They didn't make any sense of it for me in this case, though. And verse two -- I bet it sounds way more threatening with the music! -- is a bit droll. Boring, etc. It sort of breaks my heart to say that since this could have more potential.
I'd probably try this one again, see if it can't make some more sense. You want to reach out to the audience and pull them in with not only the music but the words as well. There should be an effect. And I think with this song in particular, the listener should totes get some goosebumps. (At least, listeners like me!)
You have some good moments here. Like I said, the last verse was probably my favorite. Particularly these lines:
Prisoners of the sun
Kept from you my dear
Those rocked my world. Kind of like the verse as a whole, but those made me smile with "yay!"
Anyhow, it's a nice start. I hope to see an improved version later!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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