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Young Writers Society

A Chemical Imbalance

by alabasterwolveness

Verse 1-
Twisted and demented
Feeling the rage surge
Darkening my heart
Splitting from everything I know
Lightning fast
We are at a last
A chemical imbalance
Twisted and turned
Beware, you may be next.

Verse 2-
Here at last you know,
Run for we will bring you to
Hell Run for all we bring

Lighting fast
We are at last
A chemical imbalance
Twisted and turned
Beware, you might be next!

Verse 3-
Down in the dark
In a crack of the abyss
We are in clumber
Waiting for you to awaken us
As I said again!

Lighting fast
We are at last
A chemical imbalance
Twisted and turned
Beware you might be next

Last verse-
Prisoners of the sun
Kept from you my dear
But here we are at last
Aren’t you happy to see us?

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Fri May 25, 2012 2:31 am
JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi, alabaster!

You have an interesting piece here. The last verse I thought was most interesting. It was a cool ending to this sort of song -- rather suspenseful. Or anti-climactic. Pretty cool!

The song itself seems rather empty, though. I think it's meant to be scary, but it's really not. It's just sort of saying words with no meaning. I'd have liked to get an idea on who was talking here, what kind of people are the subjects of this song. Why should I be scared? Why should I not be happy to see them? And surely there must be a story behind it to at least hint to for the listeners' sakes.

Verse 2 is probably my least favorite. The flow overall was a bit back and forth, but in this verse specifically, it wasn't there at all. And in fact, the verses were rather weak compared to the chorus. The verses typically delve further into what the chorus is talking about. They didn't make any sense of it for me in this case, though. And verse two -- I bet it sounds way more threatening with the music! -- is a bit droll. Boring, etc. It sort of breaks my heart to say that since this could have more potential.

I'd probably try this one again, see if it can't make some more sense. You want to reach out to the audience and pull them in with not only the music but the words as well. There should be an effect. And I think with this song in particular, the listener should totes get some goosebumps. (At least, listeners like me!)

You have some good moments here. Like I said, the last verse was probably my favorite. Particularly these lines:

Prisoners of the sun
Kept from you my dear

Those rocked my world. Kind of like the verse as a whole, but those made me smile with "yay!"

Anyhow, it's a nice start. I hope to see an improved version later! :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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5 Reviews

Points: 1031
Reviews: 5

Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:18 pm
Amberstar786 wrote a review...

I like it! Maybe you should make it longer though....

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31 Reviews

Points: 885
Reviews: 31

Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:50 pm
FallenAngel97 says...

This is a really great song:3 I like this line "Prisoners of the sun" Keep it up!

u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper