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140,921 Literary Works • 673,737 Reviews
I think it would have more flow if you changed "Is where you can be found" to "Is where you'll be found." Also, I feel like in the fourth line, you only have the second part to rhyme with the first. I'm not sure it fits the story of your poem as well as the others.
I really like this poem. I like poems with stories, and your's has one. I like the imagery and the way you set it up. My favorite lines are the first half of the fifth and the third, especially the last half of the third. It sends chills down my spine. I'm surprised I like this poem so much, because I normally don't like apocalypse-y stuff, but I do like this for some reason. Great job. Hope this helps.
-tgirly
P.S. I read it again 'cause I like it so much!
Are you having self- destruction inclination? This is one fearsome poem....
Oh, I'm joking, this is lovely. Exactly the same things I feel sometimes.
I think you can add some stanzas and it will make a very good song. Think about, this one verse is great- then what about a whole song with this astonishing words?
Like i said before, this is amazing, keep writing =)