No longer a poem!

Kit

Review

Kit wrote a review · Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:59 am

Jesse James was never a fool,
He could handle a gun like a thread on a spool.
A gun crazed criminal the story is told,
A pistol a hat, is all he holds.
On horseback or feet, he travels alone,
Through rain and sleet, he travels home.
He acts on his thoughts, and he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw, grows harder with time.
A thief and a killer, he made his own bed,
When he was shot, that was the end.
The old west goes on, and it's still just the same,
But now there's no fear, of Jesse James.

You know rhythmic foot, when you have stronger and weaker syllables in poetry, where something goes like duh-DAH duh-DAH duh-DAH? They think that it came from the rhythm of horseriding, people riding all day and thinking up poetry. It's like with music, or a heart beat. Sometimes you stick to your rhythm here, and other times you don't, and when you don't it seems like it's because you are trying to get to the final word of the line. The problem with this musically is that the end of the line isn't the focus, it's the resting place, it's the resolution, and if you twist the line around to make the rhyme work, it draws attention to it, like if you were shouting it. How to fix it? Just keep reading it aloud until it sounds right, and feels natural. Also if you're going to be strict with rhyming, survive and time is really pushing it. Good work though.

Demoness

Review

Demoness wrote a review · Mon Aug 08, 2011 11:37 pm

Nice job, it had it's faults but I think those have allready been pointed out. The flow was great, and so were your rhymes, they didn't sound at all forced which I find being hard to manage with so. Good job on that one! EH, overall, this was good, great.. maybe even fantastic

I like the imagery btw, but the ending saddened me.. Did he really have to die?

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

xXTheBlackSheepXx

Review

xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review · Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:39 am

Hey ^_^ I'm here to review for ya.

Jesse James was never a fool,
He could handle a gun like a thread on a spool.
A gun crazed criminal the story is told,
A pistol #FF0000 ">and hat, is all he holds.
On horseback or feet, he travels alone,
Through rain and sleet, he travels home.
He acts on his thoughts, and he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw, grows harder with time.
A thief and a killer, he made his own bed, #FF00FF ">this line didn't make too much sense to me
When he was shot, that was the end.
The old west goes on, and it's still just the same,
But now there's no fear, #FF0080 ">no commaof Jesse James.

Overall, this is a great poem! I only have a few suggestion that I thought up.

On horseback or feet, he travels alone,
Through rain and sleet, he travels home.

here, I thought you could replace the second 'travels' with 'journeys' or something, just for a change of pace.

He acts on his thoughts, and he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw, grows harder with time.

here I think you are using too many commas. I would rephrase it like

He acts on his thoughts as he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw grows harder with time.

or something. It just felt like you were using a lot of commas throughout this.

But like I said, this is great! Keep poeting xD

WRITINGNEON

Review

WRITINGNEON wrote a review · Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:09 am

This is amazing! You are a true poet! It all fits so poeticly! The rymeing is exceptional! i like the story behind it, it really tells about jesse james. there are no mistakes as far as i have seen. you are very talented, you should write more poetry! i would be more than happt to reveiw!

StoryWeaver13

Review

StoryWeaver13 wrote a review · Fri Jul 29, 2011 5:09 pm

Jesse James was never a fool,
He could handle a gun like a thread on a spool.
A gun crazed criminal the story is told,
A pistol a#FF0000 ">nd hat, is all he holds.
On horseback o#FF0000 ">r feet, he travels alone,
Through rain and sleet, he travels home.
He acts on his thoughts, and he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw,grows harder with time.
A t#FF0000 ">hief and a killer, he made his own bed,
When he was shot, that was the end. These couple of lines didn't quite work for me.
The old west goes on, and it's still just the same,
But now there's no fear, of Jesse James.

Anyway, I actually thought this was pretty cool! I like all the cowboy/outlaw sort of stuff, so this was definitely fun to read. I felt like it could've been tweaked here and there and maybe even made longer, but as is it's a good poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

basham989 Review

basham989 wrote a review · Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:18 am

I agree with most of what was said above. I think it would be quite awesome too extend this poem. This could be an intro to the story of Jesse James. Have all the makings of a great narrative poet (rise, fall, redemption etc). Or it could be made into a very Johnny Cash-isk type song. It is a good and flexible piece of work.

Iggy

Review

Iggy wrote a review · Fri Jul 29, 2011 5:17 am

aj14 wrote:Jesse James was never a fool,
He could handle a gun like a thread on a spool.
A gun crazed criminal the story is told,
A pistol a hat, is all he holds.
On horseback on feet, he travels alone,
Through rain and sleet, he travels home.
He acts on his thoughts, and he tries to survive,
The life of an outlaw, grows harder with time.
A theif and a killer, he made his own bed,
When he was shot, that was the end.
The old west goes on, and it's still just the same,
But now there's no fear, of Jesse James.

Hey there! Nice job on your poem! Although, 1) you should've divided the poem into stanzas, 2) After that, you should've made each line and stanza a bit longer, and 3) I loved it! Yup, I couldn't pick a favourite verse, so I quoted all of it! It was beautifully written, and very descriptive! The imagery was lovely!

Well done.

- Ariel<3

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