Chapter 1
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
Bertrand Russell
It’s 7:00. It’s also a Thursday. I’m seriously late. My Bose alarm clock is screaming loudly. I get some yelling from next door. I hastily unplug my alarm clock from my bed and then I realized that I left my glasses on my face when I was sleeping. I jump out of bed quickly, put my glasses on the table, take a quick shower, and try to make my hair look somewhat decent, get dressed, and after I feed my parakeet (who has taken up the hobby of gnawing on his cage) I leave for the hospital. When I walk out of my apartment building, I notice that spring is in the air in DC. Usually when spring is in the air, my hair is too. The humidity is horrible here. It causes me to get my hair done every two weeks, which adds up.
Other obvious signs of spring:
1. Skimpier clothing
2. Outdoor eating
3. People looking unnaturally happy 24/7
4. Cherry blossoms
5. Random breakouts of dancing and singing in the streets (Just kidding)
For spring, I just work and constantly go to the drug store and re-fill my Claritin. Now I’m starting to regret skipping breakfast. I look for the nearest coffee shop en route which happens to be Starbucks. The line is out the door. Oh great, but there is no other coffee shop that isn’t out of my way. Yippee.
I stand in line with the other hard working, grief stricken, coffee deprived adults in the world. Waiting in line was like watching paint dry, but after 45 minutes it doesn’t feel that bad besides the fact that my phone is being bombarded with calls from the hospital. I was watching the overhead TV when the unfriendly lady said meanly, “Miss, it your turn.”
But I was still wondering if I should stick with my normal coffee or try the new one. I asked the lady, but she just snorted and said, “I don’t care. Just pick one”
Shocked by her rudeness I just asked for my regular. No tips today. While waiting for my great server to speed it up on my coffee. I look at a USA Today. On the cover: Iraq, another serial killer, yet another pregnant actress, and Mr. New Rep. His name is Gabriel Suarez, hailing from Rhode Island, my home state. Everyone is making a fuss about it. I’ve been so many E-mails about it, I’m thinking about having Geek Squad block any E-mails about him on my Blackberry. The article says he’ll be arriving Sunday. Who really gives a crap? I don’t understand on how girls waste their time fawning over guys they will never have the opportunity or pleasure to date. I personally feel bad for the guy.
Server girl finally called out my order. I take the paper and pay for both of them and walk out while giving server girl a nasty look. I plug in my ear buds and put my iPod on random. Then my phone rang. But thankfully it wasn’t the hospital; it was my co-worker Margo. I pick up.
“Laurentia, have you heard? He is coming Sunday! Are you exited?” Margo said without saying hi
“I’m just as excited as a rock,” I said bluntly
“Ohhh… not excited, why,” Margo squealed
“Because he plastered on every paper in DC, I just want to find a place where is face isn’t staring out at me”, I said, “I actually pity him”
“You are no fun”
“Thank you”
“And to tell you, you need to get to the office. Boss is getting very pissed”
“Then keep him like that. He never has a happy day”
“This is coming from Little Miss Sunshine, right?”
“Margo don’t go there,” I pouted
“No you are just a workaholic with no life of you own”
“Excusez-moi. Just because I’m focused and not going to the capital building with binoculars”
“Touché, but we are going to finish this at the hospital”
“You’re on” I said hanging up.
As I crossed the street to the hospital my Blackberry was vibrating. It was form my grandma’s nursing home in Paris. My mother ancestors were originally from France, taken from Africa due to the Atlantic Slave Trade. Her family immigrated to America and my mom met my dad and had me. Because my grandma only speaks French, I have to speak it fluently. I’m paying for her stay at the nursing home so I visit her every month. I came from there a week ago. The E-mail is in French, but it said that they want me to visit again. I don’t know. I E-mail back saying I’ll be there. I pull out my PDA when I get to the hospital. The boss just happened to be waiting for me at the entrance.
“Laurentia, why the hell are you late, again. You know you missed another surgery and I find someone else to scrub in for you,” he said following me. I didn’t look up form my PDA,” Are you listening to me?”
“Apparently not,” I said sarcastically as I walked into the elevator he followed me in
“You know if you keep coming late I’ll have to fire you,” he said quietly
“Oh please,” I said smartly, “You know I always work overtime to make up for it. And you couldn’t fire me if you tried because “I’m the best surgeon you have.”
When it got to our floor we both walked out. He walked ahead in a huff, cursing under his breath.
I walk to the locker room still on my PDA trying to book a flight to Paris. By the time I changed into my scrubs I have a Sunday flight on Air France. I walk out of the locker room and immediately see Margo.
“I saw the boss just now,” she said in her strong Brooklyn accent, “What’s wrong now”
“Just letting off some steam,” I said
I go to look at the board where know where our assignments are. I have to do triple bypass on a 42 year old woman named Karen in room 404. Better get on it know or boss might be one needing help.
“How did the surgery go?”Margo asked
“Good, as always” I said
It was 8:00. I’m working overtime again. Margo decided to stay with me because she has no life.
“What are you doing tonight?” she asked
“Paperwork”
“Again?”
“Hey, today is a no-nagging day,” I said I flipped my hair out of my face
“You just need a date for once in your tired life,” she said
I gave her look and said, “Oh like you have something to do tonight”
“Actually I do,” she said with sass, “I’m waiting for my friend to fly in from San Francisco. I helping him move into his apartment.”
“Is that a date?”
“No Laurentia, he’s gay.”
“Oh… never mind”
My phone rings and that annoying default tone that I always forget to change are blaring out. It’s Chrisette, my best friend from college.
“Hey Laurentia. Want to meet me at Kyoto for sushi?”
“Okay. I’m really hungry anyway,” I say hanging up. I say goodbye to Margo, change out of my scrubs and go. When I get to Kyoto, I don’t’ see Chrisette, but I think I see a date. Yippee. This better be good.
It 9:30
I’m on a blind date
He’s late
I’ve been living off of bread for the past 20 minutes
I’m going to kill Chrisette
I think I see him. Wearing a tucked in polo with a small stain. Army cut. Just you’re average Joe.
He is 30 years old, works at insurance company, has a dog, and boring the hell out of me. I even forgot his name. I was texting under the table for an hour, mostly leaving messages for Chrisette while I see him wipe his huge forehead for the 40th time. He is sweating like crazy and now he has stated the rambling. He likes me. But I really can’t say the same thing. And my disinterest for him was that was set in stone when the waitress mentioned drinks. After one sip he is a madman. I never saw anyone get as drunk as he did. It was so bad that there were cups and more stacked.
I watched totally distraught and didn’t say anything unnecessary. When I was about to pick up my California roll, I drop my phone and it slid right next to his seat. And my day couldn’t get any worse. I hit the floor to pick up my phone but he noticed and I froze. Then he decides to sing a drunken love song he made up for me on the spot. People who were trying their hardest to be polite and not stare gave up and started to full on watch the spectacle. The cook even came out the kitchen to watch him. I’m surprised that no one called the police. I just grabbed my cell phone and headed straight to bathroom with my purse. When I get to the bathroom I use toilet to boost me up so I can make my escape out of the window.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, aestar!
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
Good opening quote! Sometimes quotes at the start of the story can seem kind of cheap, but you've pulled it off.
It’s 7:00. It’s also a Thursday. I’m seriously late. My Bose alarm clock is screaming loudly. I get some yelling from next door.
I think you might want to rephrase as "I hear some yelling from next door."
I hastily unplug my alarm clock from my bed and then I realized that I left my glasses on my face when I was sleeping.
Tense change - change it to 'realize'.
I jump out of bed quickly, put my glasses on the table, take a quick shower, and try to make my hair look somewhat decent, get dressed, and after I feed my parakeet (who has taken up the hobby of gnawing on his cage) I leave for the hospital.
Whoah, an incredibly long sentence! break it down: I jump out of bed quickly and put my glasses on the table before taking a quick shower. After I've washed, I try to make my hair look somewhat different and get dressed. After I feed my parakeet, (who has taken up the hobby of gnawing on his cage), I leave for the hospital.
Usually when spring is in the air, my hair is too.
This made me laugh.
Other obvious signs of spring:
1. Skimpier clothing
2. Outdoor eating
3. People looking unnaturally happy 24/7
4. Cherry blossoms
5. Random breakouts of dancing and singing in the streets (Just kidding)
I love reading lists in books...it adds variety to the writing.
I stand in line with the other hard working, grief stricken, coffee deprived adults in the world. Waiting in line was like watching paint dry, but after 45 minutes it doesn’t feel that bad besides the fact that my phone is being bombarded with calls from the hospital. I was watching the overhead TV when the unfriendly lady said meanly, “Miss, it your turn.”
As mentioned before, this is a wonderful description. it has a great flow to it.
But I was still wondering if I should stick with my normal coffee or try the new one. I asked the lady, but she just snorted and said, “I don’t care. Just pick one”
Never start a sentence with a conjunction.
Shocked by her rudeness I just asked for my regular. No tips today. While waiting for my great server to speed it up on my coffee. I look at a USA Today.
I think you meant to put a comma after coffee.
On the cover: Iraq, another serial killer, yet another pregnant actress, and Mr. New Rep. His name is Gabriel Suarez, hailing from Rhode Island, my home state. Everyone is making a fuss about it.
Explain why they are making a fuss about it.
I’ve been so many E-mails about it, I’m thinking about having Geek Squad block any E-mails about him on my Blackberry. The article says he’ll be arriving Sunday. Who really gives a crap? I don’t understand on how girls waste their time fawning over guys they will never have the opportunity or pleasure to date. I personally feel bad for the guy.
I'm kind of losing track here. Condense it.
Server girl finally called out my order. I take the paper and pay for both of them and walk out while giving server girl a nasty look. I plug in my ear buds and put my iPod on random. Then my phone rang. But thankfully it wasn’t the hospital; it was my co-worker Margo. I pick up.
There are a lot of confusing tense changes here - revise and change all past tenses to present.
As I crossed the street to the hospital my Blackberry was vibrating.
Change tense.
It was form my grandma’s nursing home in Paris.
"From"
This was cute. Just revise tense errors.
Over all I thought it was very good. I liked the overall tone of the piece. The only real thing I think you could work on is just providing a little more detail and saying what the MC is thinking at all times.
Nice job, can't wait to read the rest
Hey,
This is a very cute story
I love the voice you used
You just have a few minor errors/typos:
Because he's/he is plastered
your own I'm guessing.
There are also quite a few places where periods/capitalization/commas should be added, but I'll let you find those. Don't forget to write only in one tense, as there is at least spot where it switches from past to present which is confusing for the reader.
Nice work!
edit: BTW, I love the climbing out of the window. Classic.
Anyone?