“Ariana why are you so sad,” her mom said as Ariana pressed against the window of the car, “this will be a new adventure.”
Regardless of what her mom said Ariana knew this would not be fun. She had to leave her home in Massachusetts to go to a prestigious boarding school, The Smithsonian Academy, in Washington DC. Her mom was trying as hard as she could to make Ariana like her new situation.
“Why do I have to go, here? I know it will be horrible,” Ariana moaned
“Think of this as a new painting you are working on, just that this will be made differently. Like an adventure,”
Everyone knew Ariana loved painting. She was the best back home. She won so many prizes and got so much praise, now she will have to start from scratch, again. Everything she worked for is all left behind. What worried her the most was if the other kids will hate her, use her or worse. Ariana felt like a lost puppy that has to stand alone.
“We're here. Look at those buildings,” Ariana’s mom said when they pulled though the gates
I tried to crack a smile. The school looked nice, though.
“See I knew you would like it”
“Whatever mom,” she said bluntly
Along with the buildings Ariana saw kids saying their goodbyes and running as fast as they could after or crying their eyes out. Ariana didn’t fit in either category. She just wanted to go home.
Suddenly the car made a stop. She put her hair in ponytail. Her hair was black with light brown steaks. Mostly everyone in her family had light brown hair. Not Ariana. She didn’t care, though. She liked being different. Her Grandma told her that her hair was like that because her family had Egyptian ancestry. There was no exact proof that she was, but she trusted her Grandma.
Ariana jumped out of her mom’s SUV and walked around to get her stuff. She lifted the back door to get her duffels. As she walked away she looked back to give her mom a hug.
“Bye mom,” Ariana sniveled
“You just might just like it”
Her mom handed her a wooden box. Ariana put it in one of her bags. She watched her mom leave. Then she turns to see her future for the next year. She was on her own.
“Hello, newbie. Welcome to the Smithsonian Academy. My name is Carrie and I’m here to get you registered and show you your dorm,” a happy blonde said as she helped Ariana with her bags.
“My name is Ariana,” I answered
“So I can’t you newbie anymore?”
“Preferably not”
“You’re going into what grade?”
“Eighth”
“You register over there,” she spieled as she pointed to a desk with a long line
Right mom, this will be an adventure. First stop: the registration line
After what felt like forever, Ariana finally got to the registration desk. An unfriendly looking middle aged lady looked at Ariana like she was sick of seeing so many teenagers in one place.
“Name,” she said in voice that you would usually hear form a miserable fast food employee
“Ariana Laurence”
“Let me find you”
Ariana stood there watching everyone as they were waiting. Bored and dreary faced is how the kids looked.
Is this how everyone here is all the time?
“Hello”
“Oh sorry”
“Here’s your rule book, information packet, and other stuff. Enjoy Ms. Lawrence. Next!”
Ariana and Carrie walked to Ariana’s dorm across campus.
“You have the Cherry Blossom Building. You are so lucky! It is so beautiful in there,”
“Yep”
“You know there is a ton of good on campus fast food outlets. There are good activities here too. Well, we are here”
They walk in. The room is beautiful there are cheery blossoms everywhere. The windows are huge. Oriental rugs caress the floor. Carrie sends up Ariana to her room.
Ariana walks down the hall and goes to her room.
Two beds, dressers, etc. It’s a standard dorm room. Ariana starts to unpack. When she was done a tall girl wearing a black cashmere shirt with pinstriped pants walked in. She looked like a model. Her long flowing black hair made her look stunning. It was instant envy for Ariana.
“Hi, my name is Jasleen. What’s yours?"
“Ariana”
“You are new, right?”
“Yeah”
They went into a conversation for an hour! Then they decided to walk to the student center to get some ice cream. They walked by the field were all the guys were playing football. Suddenly the ball glided and hit Ariana’s head!
“Ouch”
“What happened?”
“Their ball hit my head”
“Jerks!”Jasleen yelled
“Who are you calling a jerk?”One of them yelled
“You,”
“Get off our case, Jasleen”
“Why don’t you get off our case” Ariana yelled, “You should be sorry because you are the ones that hit me in the head.”
“How ‘bout if we don’t?”
Ariana started blushing in complete anger. She was ready to deck that guy.
“Getting angry?”He taunted
“No, are you?”Ariana sniped back
Ariana and Jasleen left before he could say another word. Ariana scanned him in disdain. How clever he looked at her when they were fighting. It just made her angrier and angrier. The guy was just looking at her as she went by and continued playing football.
That night was interesting night.
“Did you see the look on his face?” Jasleen said, “I didn’t know you had an attitude.”
“This is the first day I’m here you have a lot to lost about me, Jasleen”
“So what do you like to do?”
“Paint,”
“Wow, that so weird!” Jasleen said Ariana gave her and awkward look, “I like to paint, too”
“That’s cool. Back home I was the best,”
“You have a run for your money, here. Some of best art student in the country go to Smithsonian. Are you up for it?”
“Yeah, you’ll see tomorrow”
“Is that a challenge?”Jasleen said jokingly
“Yes” Ariana said back
They started laughing. It was interrupted by a tap at the window. They scurried to the window and they saw people with glow sticks dancing.
“What are they doing?” Ariana asked
“It’s something everyone does on the first day. People just get glow stick and dance and have fun on the eve of the first day of school. Wanna try it?”
“Okay”
They sneaked out of our room and walked outside. The stars were sparking outside. The two were handed glow sticks and they just started dancing. No one cared if anyone saw them. The sprinklers came on, but everyone kept on dancing.
This will be an adventure alright
Coming Soon: The Reason (part two) - How is Ariana first day at a new school will be? What is in the box that Ariana’s mom gave her? Who is the guy that Ariana confronted. Will this be an adventure for Ariana?
This is a short story for my school newspaper. I need reviews, please!!! 
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi. This piece was okay. It wasn't bad, but nothing struck me about it.
There were a bunch of punctuation mistakes. You did this A LOT:
You never put a comma or period after a word. There needs to be.
Otherwise, It was a pretty decent beginning.
[quote]
[s]“Ariana why are you so sad,” her mom said as Ariana pressed against the window of the car, “this will be a new adventure.” [/s] "Ariana, why are you so sad?" her mother asked as Ariana pressed against the window of the car. "This will be a new adventure."
Regardless of what her mom said[comma after 'said'] Ariana knew this would not be fun. She had to leave her home in Massachusetts to go to a prestigious boarding school, The Smithsonian Academy, in Washington DC. Her mom was trying as hard as she could to make Ariana like her new situation.
“Why do I have to go, here? I know it will be horrible,” Ariana moaned
“Think of this as a new painting you are working on, just that this will be made differently. Like an adventure,”[The comma after 'adventure' needs to be a period.]
Everyone knew Ariana loved painting. She was the best back home.[This is kind of telling rather than showing. Why don't you infer that she's good at painting instead of just saying it outright?] She won so many prizes and got so much praise, now she will have to start from scratch, again.[I think that sentence should be: She won so many prizes and got so much praise, but now she would have to start from scratch, again.] Everything she worked for [s]is[/s]was all left behind. What worried her the most was if the other kids will hate her, use her or worse. Ariana felt like a lost puppy that has to stand alone. [Not the best simile there...]
“We're here. Look at those buildings,” Ariana’s mom[use 'mother' instead of mom for a more formal atmosphere] said when they pulled though the gates [there needs to be a period after 'gates']
I [Why is it suddenly in first person? 'I' should be 'she'] tried to crack a smile. The school looked nice, though.
“See I knew you would like it”[Maybe a comma after 'See' and there needs to be a period after 'it'.]
“Whatever mom,” she said bluntly[don't forget to put a period at the end of your sentences!
Along with the buildings Ariana saw kids saying their goodbyes and running as fast as they could after or crying their eyes out. [Comma after 'buildings', comma after 'after'.] Ariana didn’t fit in either category. She just wanted to go home.
Suddenly [try to avoid starting sentences with 'suddenly'...] the car made a stop. She put her hair in ponytail. Her hair was black with light brown steaks. [That's telling instead of showing.] Mostly everyone in her family had light brown hair. Not Ariana. She didn’t care, though. She liked being different. Her Grandma told her that her hair was like that because her family had Egyptian ancestry. There was no exact proof that she was, but she trusted her Grandma.
Ariana jumped out of her mom’s SUV and walked around to get her stuff. She lifted the back door to get her duffels. As she walked away [comma after 'away'] she looked back to give her mom a hug.
“Bye mom,” Ariana sniveled [put a period after 'sniveled'.]
“You just might just like it”[put a period after 'it'.]
Her mom handed her a wooden box. Ariana put it in one of her bags. She watched her mom leave. Then she [s]turns[/s] turned to see her future for the next year. She was on her own.
“Hello, newbie. Welcome to the Smithsonian Academy. My name is Carrie and I’m here to get you registered and show you your dorm,” a happy blonde said as she helped Ariana with her bags. [Newbie?! Does Carrie mean that humorously or is that what they call new schoolchildren?]
“My name is Ariana,” I answered [period!]
“So I can’t you newbie anymore?” [Huh? Did you mean, "So I can't call you newbie anymore?"]
“Preferably not” [b][period!]
“You’re going into what grade?”
“Eighth” [period!]
“You register over there,” she spieled as she pointed to a desk with a long line [period!]
Right mom, this will be an adventure. First stop: the registration line [period!]
After what felt like forever, Ariana finally got to the registration desk. An unfriendly looking middle aged [I think 'middle aged' should be hyphenated: middle-aged] lady looked at Ariana like she was sick of seeing so many teenagers in one place.
“Name,” she said in voice that you would usually hear form a miserable fast food employee [period!]
“Ariana Laurence” [period!]
“Let me find you” [period!]
Ariana stood there watching everyone as they were waiting. Bored and dreary faced ['dreary faced' should be hyphenated: dreary-faced] is how the kids looked.
Is this how everyone here is all the time?
“Hello” [period!]
“Oh sorry” [period!]
“Here’s your rule book, information packet, and other stuff. Enjoy [comma after 'Enjoy'] Ms. Lawrence. Next!”
Ariana and Carrie walked to Ariana’s dorm across campus.
“You have the Cherry Blossom Building. You are so lucky! It is so beautiful in there,” [replace the comma after 'there' with a period.]
“Yep” [period!'
“You know [comma after 'know'] there is a ton of good on campus fast food outlets. There are good activities here too. Well, we are here” [period!]
They [s]walk[/s] walked in. The room [s]is[/s] was beautiful there [s]are[/s] cheery blossoms everywhere. [That sentence should have a semicolon after 'beautiful'.] The windows [s]are[/s] were huge. Oriental rugs [s]caress[/s] caressed the floor. Carrie [s]sends[/s] sent up Ariana to her room.
Ariana [s]walks[/s] walked down the hall and [s]goes[/s] went to her room.
Two beds, dressers, etc. ['etc' seems improper in a piece of literature...] [s]It’s[/s] It was a standard dorm room. Ariana starts to unpack. When she was done a tall girl wearing a black cashmere shirt with pinstriped pants walked in. She looked like a model. Her long flowing black hair made her look stunning. It was instant envy for Ariana.
“Hi, my name is Jasleen. What’s yours?"
“Ariana” [period!]
“You are new, right?”
“Yeah” [period!]
They went into a conversation for an hour! [The exclamation point is unnecessary and juvenile.] Then they decided to walk to the student center to get some ice cream. They walked by the field were all the guys were playing football. Suddenly the ball glided and hit Ariana’s head! [Again, very necessary.]
“Ouch” [period!]
“What happened?”
“Their ball hit my head” [period!]
“Jerks!”Jasleen yelled [period after 'yelled', and don't forget to leave a space between "Jerks!" and 'Jasleen': Jerks!" Jasleen yelled.]
“Who are you calling a jerk?”One of them yelled [same comment as above. It should be: "Who are you calling a jerk?" one of them yelled back.]
“You,” [replace the comma after 'You' with a period.]
“Get off our case, Jasleen” [PERIOD!]
“Why don’t you get off our [s]case[/s] case?” Ariana yelled, “You should be sorry because you are the ones that hit me in the head.”
“How ‘bout if we don’t?”
Ariana started blushing in complete anger. She was ready to deck that guy. ['deck that guy' sounds to colloquial, too casual.]
“Getting angry?”He taunted [period, and leave a space between "angry?" and 'he'.]
“No, are you?”Ariana [s]sniped[/s] snipped back [period, and leave a space between "you?" and 'Ariana'.]
Ariana and Jasleen left before he could say another word. Ariana scanned him in disdain. How clever he looked at her when they were fighting. It just made her angrier and angrier. The guy was just looking at her as she went by and continued playing football.
That night was interesting night.
“Did you see the look on his face?” Jasleen said, “I didn’t know you had an attitude.”
“This is the first day I’m here you have a lot to [s]lost[/s] learn about me, Jasleen” [period!]
“So what do you like to do?”
“Paint,” [replace that comma with a period.]
“Wow, that so weird!” Jasleen said Ariana gave her and awkward look, “I like to paint, too” [period!]
“That’s cool. Back home I was the best,” [replace the comma after 'best' with a period.]
“You have a run for your money, here. Some of best art student in the country go to Smithsonian. Are you up for it?”
“Yeah, you’ll see tomorrow” [period!]
“Is that a challenge?”Jasleen said jokingly [period, and leave a space between "challenge?" and 'Jasleen'.]
“Yes” Ariana said back [there needs to be a comma after 'Yes' and a period after 'back'.]
They started laughing. It was interrupted by a tap at the window. They scurried to the window and they saw people with glow sticks dancing.
“What are they doing?” Ariana asked [period!]
“It’s something everyone does on the first day. People just get glow stick and dance and have fun on the eve of the first day of school. Wanna try it?”
“Okay” [period!]
They sneaked out of our room and walked outside. The stars were sparking [s]outside[/s]. [You don't need the second 'outside'.] The two were handed glow sticks and they just started dancing. No one cared if anyone saw them. The sprinklers came on, but everyone kept on dancing.
This will be an adventure alright [period!]
--------------------------------------------------
Sorry to break it to you, but this isn't any good. Your grammar is terrible and that's all I'm going to focus on today. Once you fix grammar, PM me and if you want, I'll give you other more general advice.
You seem to forget to put a period at the end of your sentences A LOT. It's quite annoying for the critiquer to have to correct all those errors. Here are some links that may help you:
- Period
- Comma
- Semicolon
- Semicolon vs. comma
- Question mark, exclamation point, and more
That's all for this review, I'm afraid. I'm sorry for being harsh but your grammar does need a lot of work. Feel free to PM me with any questions/comments!
Happy Editing,
Camille xx
Good story. Next time, though, please give me a copy before you enter it in the school paper! POV changes make it look like you wrote it one way and then hastily changed it, and I don't like the way ot seems everye's gonna be prettiful and all. Perfection is rather hard to attain. Wouldn't I know?w *rolls eyes*\
Read it aloud. That's my best advice for now! Then make it look and sound the way you've got it in your head. Can't wait for the next installment!
I'm the first reviewer! Yay? Anyways...I liked your story but it's a bit rough. You change POV and tense a couple of times and you do a lot of telling rather than showing.
This is a bit of info-dump paragraph. Try to work this into the dialog and Ariana's thoughts and feelings. Here's another one:
Try to work this into the plot and action once again. Maybe when she's telling Jasleen about her history or maybe have her looking at one of her paintings. Just don't tell us in a whole paragraph.
You changed person here.
You changed tenses when you said "saw", "saying", "running", and "crying" to progressive tense when you had been using past. Also your telling Ariana's feelings once again, show how she's feeling is her stomach filled with butterflies or twisting into painful knots? Is she angry? Sad? Both?
You should break this up and put it throughout the story. In one paragraph it's a bit of an info-dump. Her hair is enough, it breaks away from her action to tell about her heritage and how her hair is different from her family.
What's up with this box? Why doesn't Ariana want to open it?
Her entrance is too sudden. Where did she come from?
Change of point of view.
I liked this line! It made me giggle. Bring out more of Ariana's sense of humor it makes her endearing. =D
Show us how the children look! =D Are they frowning? Are they crying? Bored and dreary are weak words compared to showing us how they look and Ariana's reaction to their faces.
Too much telling and a bit of an info dump.
This kind of broke up the action of the story. You should try rephrasing it or showing the conversation a bit.
Other than that you just have a few grammar mistakes in your dialog. You should use a period after someone your character said when your not identifying the speaker and a comma when identifying the speaker. Other than the things I pointed out I enjoyed your story and I'm sorry if my review was to nit-picky.
I hope I helped!
Peri