The Reason (part two)

“Ariana wake up, c’mon wake up!” Jasleen yelled as she pushed to wake up a tired Ariana

“Okay, okay I’m up already,” Ariana says as she checks the clock, “It’s six ’o clock.”

“Yes, but school starts at 7:45am sharp,”

“That’s insane,” Ariana moans, “I at least got to sleep in back home”

“This is not home. So get up!” As Jasleen successfully pulls Ariana out of bed and onto the floor

“You are evil!!!” Ariana says as she gets up and fumbles from her bags.

Ariana starts to change into a polo shirt and plaid hat and corduroy pants

“Are you sure you want to wear that?”

“Uh…yeah. Let’s go,” Ariana says as she grabs her bag and walks out the door

Ariana and Jasleen walk to get some breakfast. They walk into one of the fast food outlets. They stood in line and waited. When it was their turn Ariana ordered a breakfast sandwich and Jasleen ordered a bagel. They rushed over to the auditorium.

“We have to go the auditorium every time on the first day for a boring assembly. We just sit there and listen to the principal talk to him,”

Great, I’m in a little boat. Trapped in a sea of time called an assembly where voices echo though boredom in the ocean called an assembly

Ariana and Jasleen walk into a large theatre. There was exquisite deigns on the ceilings and walls. The borders were gilded. There was also a large wall made of marble naming all the benefactors to the school. Ariana tried too hard to not think her parents made the right decision, but Ariana was still amazed. Jasleen then broke Ariana’s stream of thought by asking her which row they should sit in. Ariana just climbs into one of the rows and Jasleen follows. After everyone is seated they principal gets up and go over the rules.

Rules

• No unauthorized parties

• No sneaking around campus

• No going off campus

• Girls: no low riders, no belly shirts, no short skirts, and no straps

• Boys: no sagging jeans, no sport shirts, and no hats

• Dress code rules that are broken will result in detention

• Campus rules that are broken will have a Saturday detention on first violation, on second violation will result in the violator being confined to his/her dorm, third time suspension, fourth time the violator will be expelled

And it goes on. Then the art teacher went up and discussed the art program. That’s when Ariana sat up from her slump and started listening. She talked about the variety in the program then they talked about the fall arts competition. All the artists (visual and performing) that attend the Smithsonian are allowed to enter. The winner from each category gets be flown from Washington DC to New York for the national competition. This got Ariana excited. It was a great way to make a name for her like she had in Massachusetts. The theme for that year was life and the inner soul.

New adventure the Fall Arts Competition

Its first period its English class for Ariana and Jasleen, unfortunately it is for the guy that Ariana encountered the other day. When Ariana saw him walk in, she didn’t know if she should bury her head in herself or give the jerk dirty looks. In that split second Ariana turned her head praying that he doesn’t notice her. She was wrong.

“Remember me?” the boy said cleverly to Ariana

“How can’t I?” Ariana replied sarcastically

He looks around, thinking about what to say back.

“I think we got off one the wrong foot, its okay I forgive you for blowing me off. My name is Joaquin,” he says extending his hand

“I would never shake your hand. You don’t have an honest bone in your body”, Ariana spat, “You were the one who hit me in the head with the ball, thank you very much.”

“Well,” Joaquin smirked, “You are an bitter one”

“Ariana, did that idiot say what I think he said?” Jasleen growled

“Yeah,” Ariana said “

“So, it is little top model, the other bitter one. What are you going to do?” Spray me? Better yet, claw me?"

“First, it is Ms. Top Model, to you. Second the only time when I’m bitter is when I’m with you. Third, I wouldn’t spray you. You were right I would claw you and you regret that you let me,” Jasleen snapped

It was like a battle between Jasleen and Joaquin. Not a battle, more like a war. Someone could just tell from Jasleen eyes that she was going to punch that smirk off of his face. She might have, but the teacher came in.

“Hello, I’m Ms. Pepper, your English teacher. Okay with that aside. We will have an endearing quest in poetry!” she projected

Everyone seems uninterested except the teacher.

“C’mon, children. Poetry is ‘cool’,” with empathies on cool, yet she didn’t convince the class, “It is worth 30% of your grade.”

That motivated them alright. They all seem bright and eager to learn, just how Ms. Pepper liked it.

”Now in ten minutes grab a piece of paper and write whatever comes to mind. Do your own work. Starting….now,”

It was like the stating shot at a horse race. The kids wrote like wind. One kid even started sweating when he was writing. Ariana had a nice groove going on in her poem and Joaquin noticed.

“Hey, Queenie, can you help me?”

“No. And my name is not Queenie it is Ariana”

“Why can’t you help me?”

“If you don’t even get why, I don’t know how you passed the application,”

“That’s cold, Queenie”

“That’s nothing”

“Shut up, Joaquin!” Jasleen quietly roars, “You know I have four brothers just waiting,”

“Are they coming from California just to beat me up? Oh yeah, one of them died in Iraq. Is that brother coming up from the dead?

“You…...” Jasleen yells

The whole class turns around. Then they go back to work. In this war Joaquin just nuked Jasleen. She didn’t talk until Ms. Pepper said, “Done, Joaquin, go first,”

“But…uh…I, he stutters

“I think you are done, after I see you harassing Jasleen and Ariana. Come up now or it’s a detention!”

Joaquin comes up as Ms. Pepper commanded. He just stood there.

“Go on with it,” Ms Pepper said, showing some of a British accent

Joaquin “reads” his poem until Ms. Pepper notices that there is nothing on his paper. She snatches the paper from his hand flips over from side to side in front of the class.

“I don’t see any writing on this paper, Joaquin. I hate being lied to. You have been fooling around all this time. See me after class. You too Jasleen and Ariana,”

After many bad poems, class is over.

The sentencing: Will I be decapitated, or worse!!!! Good or evil decides my fate. I’m a good Jedi.

“You know why you three are here”

“Yes,” all three of them say

They all tell their sides of the story. Ms. Pepper decides.

“Ariana you can go, but you two stay. I thought we have worked this out.....” Ms. Pepper’s voice fades as Ariana leaves

After school Ariana meets up with Jasleen. Jasleen gets a mini-detention. A mini- detention is a minor form of disciplinary action at Smithsonian. It was looked down upon and deemed by other schools as obsolete and dumb, but do they make the rules?

Part of the torture for Jasleen is to serve her sentence with Joaquin. There was always a rivalry between Joaquin and Jasleen. As the arts and sports always rammed into each other in the Smithsonian, so did their prominent members. It started out as a squabble over territory then in becomes World War 3. Dirty tricks were inflicted against both parties, but a comment about Jasleen dead brother caused Jasleen to punch Joaquin square in the face. As a result they both were awarded detentions for a month it almost resulted in suspension. After that they have been arch enemies.

Jasleen and Ariana go to the student center to see Ms. Adams, the art teacher and the chairman of the Smithsonian Arts Festival.

“Hey girls,” Ms. Adams said

“Hi, Ms. Adams,” Jasleen replied

“Who are you? Sorry for my manners. I’m Ms Adams,” Ms. Adams said kindly with an outstretched hand

“I’m Ariana Lawrence, I’m new here. Question, what are the flyers for?”

“The arts festival. I hope you will be joining us,”

“Oh yes I will,” Ariana said, “I was excited as soon as you mentioned it.”

“Good, so I’ll see you at the meeting,”

“Yes,”

“Jasleen are you coming?”

“Sorry, no because I have a mini,”

“Bickering with Joaquin again,”

“How did you know?”Jasleen said sarcastically

“It’s not even a week into the school year. C’mon Jasleen,”

‘I’ll sign her up,” Ariana said

“Excellent. I see you at the meeting. And Jasleen, stay out of trouble,”

Ariana walked over to the theatre, where the meeting was. She walked into the magnificent theatre she sat in the front row with an unfriendly looking blonde boy and his friend, a friendlier looking auburn. Both were fit and trim.

Dancers.

The auburn turned around to see Ariana. She immediately greeted Ariana with open arms.

“Hello, my name is Marisol and he is Peter,” slapping Peter in the chest,”Sorry that he’s being rude. He thinks everyone is competition.”

“Oh,” Ariana sighed

“Are you competition?” Peter said with an accent glaring at Ariana

Please don’t kill me!!!!

“He means are you a dancer?”Marisol said with the same accent

“No,” Ariana said with emphasis on the no, “I can’t dance to save my life. I’m an artist.”

“Oh that’s cool. We are competing for pairs. Are you new here?”

“Yeah”

“Welcome to the Smithsonian! Where are you from?”

“Up North, Massachusetts to be exact,”

“Massachusetts. I heard you get a ton of snow!”

“Yep, we do,"Ariana said ”Where are you from?”

“We’re from Spain. International students,”

“THAT IS SO COOL!”

They both laugh. They continue the conversation until Ms. Adams quiets everyone for the meeting.

“Quiet kids quiet! Okay welcome to the official meeting for the Smithsonian Arts fair. This was founded in 1838 by students that attended the Smithsonian Academy. Those were some of the best art students of their time, you are their successors make them proud! As you know the winners in each category will be entered in the national competition and three friends will be allowed to come with you!

Every one cheers

‘But there have to be some plucking first to decide who is serious about this and who is willing to work

Then everyone was quiet.

‘C’mon now. You all saw this coming. If you are unable or unwilling to adhere to the standards save me my time and your stress and leave. First you will have to maintain a minimum of a C average.

Some people leave.

‘Second rule you must be willing to give up some of your weekends to work

More people leave.

Third rule: try something new. Translation: You can’t do the same thing as last year

50% of the crowd leaves, but it is still a good amount of competition.

‘Where is the dedication people? Do you not know the work involved in being masters at your craft! For the remaining sign up at your own risk.”

Ariana ran to be first in line for the visual arts signup sheets. She quickly scrawled her and Jasleen’s name on the sheet and worked her way out of the crowd and left the auditorium. She promptly saw Jasleen outside, looking distraught, but it made her look edgy and made her look great in editorial modeling.

“Hey Jas!” Ariana said

“Hey, Ariana,”

“How was your mini?”

“Terrible. We had to clean the science labs”

“Not that bad”

“After animal testing…”

“Oh”

“Well my work was better. Joaquin had to clean the sink”

They both laugh.

That evening, Ariana decides to go and open the box her mom gave her. She got it off the nightstand. It was a wooden box with little carvings. It was a beautiful dark wood. It felt smooth. She flipped the case open when Jasleen walked in, turned off the lights and made Ariana put the box away and go to sleep.

Comming soon 3rd installment!

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User avatar
Alainna
Review
Alainna wrote a review · Mon Apr 21, 2008 5:37 pm

Hey there!

Jasleen yelled as she pushed to wake up a tired Ariana

Ariana says as she checks the clock

You switch tenses here, from past to present. As the rest of the piece is in present you should fix the first line. On a whole, though, you may find it better to write in past tense as it is just easier to read.

“Okay, okay I’m up already,”

Comma after the second 'okay'.

“Yes, but school starts at 7:45am sharp,”

Full stop instead of a comma at the end of this. Also, it may be an idea to put 'sharp' in italics to make it seem like Jasleen is emphasising her point.

I at least got to sleep in back home”

Perhaps consider re-wording? Just fiddle the oder, maybe try:
"At least I got to sleep in back home."

As Jasleen successfully pulls Ariana out of bed and onto the floor

I think you missed some words out here as well as a full stop at the end.

Ariana says as she gets up and fumbles from her bags.

Judging from the amount of exclamation marks you put in I doubt that Ariana just 'says' that. A different word perhaps? Also, 'fumble from her bags' doesn't really make sense. Perhaps you mean 'fumble around in her bags'?

Ariana starts to change into a polo shirt and plaid hat and corduroy pants

Change the first 'and' into a comma. Add a full stop.

Ariana says as she grabs her bag and walks out the door

Full stop at the end.

We just sit there and listen to the principal talk to him,”

Doesn't really make sense. Who is 'him'? Do you mean 'us'?

Great, I’m in a little boat. Trapped in a sea of time called an assembly where voices echo though boredom in the ocean called an assembly

Sudden change in POV! If this is her thoughts that you need to put it in italics and also start a new paragraph for the sentence after this.

Ariana and Jasleen walk into a large theatre. There was exquisite deigns on the ceilings and walls. The borders were gilded. There was also a large wall made of marble naming all the benefactors to the school. Ariana tried too hard to not think her parents made the right decision, but Ariana was still amazed. Jasleen then broke Ariana’s stream of thought by asking her which row they should sit in. Ariana just climbs into one of the rows and Jasleen follows. After everyone is seated they principal gets up and go over the rules.

You swap tenses a lot here. Make sure that you are sticking to one.

Its first period its English class for Ariana and Jasleen, unfortunately it is for the guy that Ariana encountered the other day

Doesn't make sense. I'm confused by all the 'it's' and 'for's'.

“Remember me?” the boy said cleverly to Ariana

“How can’t I?” Ariana replied sarcastically

Full stops needed on both sentences.

“I think we got off one the wrong foot, its okay I forgive you for blowing me off. My name is Joaquin,” he says extending his hand

'One' should be 'on'. Try turning the first sentence into two sentences. Full stop at the end.

“You are an bitter one”

'An' should be 'a' and there should be a full stop after 'one'.

What are you going to do?” Spray me? Better yet, claw me?"

You need to scrap those first set of speech marks.

Okay with that aside. We will have an endearing quest in poetry!” she projected

Comma after 'okay', comma instead of full stop after 'aside' and a full stop after 'projected'.

with empathies on cool, yet she didn’t convince the class

Doesn't make any sense, consider re-phrasing?

No. And my name is not Queenie it is Ariana”

“Why can’t you help me?”

“If you don’t even get why, I don’t know how you passed the application,”

“That’s cold, Queenie”

“That’s nothing”

Should be full stops at the end of each of these sentences except the one with the question mark.

brother coming up from the dead?

Speech marks after the question mark.

Jasleen yells

Full stop.

“But…uh…I, he stutters

Speech marks and full stop missing.

The sentencing: Will I be decapitated, or worse!!!! Good or evil decides my fate. I’m a good Jedi.

I have no idea what this means or what relevance it has or why it is italics.

“You know why you three are here”

“Yes,” all three of them say

Full stops!

but a comment about Jasleen dead brother caused Jasleen to punch Joaquin square in the face. As a result they both were awarded detentions for a month it almost resulted in suspension.

First 'Jasleen' should have a 's' on the end of it. The second sentence is a run on. Consider re-vising.

“Hey girls,” Ms. Adams said

“Hi, Ms. Adams,” Jasleen replied

“Who are you? Sorry for my manners. I’m Ms Adams,” Ms. Adams said kindly with an outstretched hand

Full stops.

“Good, so I’ll see you at the meeting,”

“Yes,”

Full stops instead of commas.

“Sorry, no because I have a mini,”

“Bickering with Joaquin again,”

“How did you know?”Jasleen said sarcastically

“It’s not even a week into the school year. C’mon Jasleen,”

‘I’ll sign her up,” Ariana said

“Excellent. I see you at the meeting. And Jasleen, stay out of trouble,”

All should have full stops at the end.

Please don’t kill me!!!!

A bit over dramatic. Consider re-phrasing?

“THAT IS SO COOL!”

No need for the caps.

allowed to come with you!

Speech marks.

Every one cheers

‘But there have to be some plucking first to decide who is serious about this and who is willing to work

Full stops and speech marks.

“Hey Jas!” Ariana said

“Hey, Ariana,”

“How was your mini?”

“Terrible. We had to clean the science labs”

“Not that bad”

“After animal testing…”

“Oh”

“Well my work was better. Joaquin had to clean the sink”

Full stops!

To Improve:
There needs to be more description, some emotion and thoughts from characters. As a reader I want you to set the scene, feel and see what the characters are like.
You need to fix the continual punctuation errors because they bogged down the piece completely.
You also need to make sure that all your tenses are the same.
You may also want to consider shortening the length. It wasn't that long but for people like me with a short attention span it just makes it easier to read.

Overall, this has some potential to become a good YA story.

Keep writing!

Alainna
xxxx



gonna be honest, i dont believe in the moon
— sheyren