The act.

Hello, my friend.

First, I have to agree with the reviewer below: this is an extremely suspenseful story. Your writing, though quite graphic, is effective at grabbing the reader's attention. I was certainly caught off guard and hooked by that opening paragraph. Intense, my friend.

Second, some grammatical things:

Something I noticed right of the bat was the use of '' instead of "". That confused me a bit, because they have different meanings and points of usage. I would look into that, for the sake of allowing your writing to flow easier to the reader.

Liz came, her juices shooting onto the bed and me. Her hair tousled by the extremes of sex.

I never thought I would be quoting that, my friend. However, this should all be one sentence. What you have made into a second sentence cannot stand alone grammatically. Unless of course, this is a stylistic choice. If it is, keep it in.

Breathing hard, chest rising and falling at the beat of her orgasm, her cum making its way down my jack, slowly.

Technically, this cannot stand alone either. It needs a subject. Who is breathing hard? And, you add the man as a subject later in the sentence, adding for more confusion. I would work on a way to make that whole opening paragraph a bit less confusing. However, that is my opinion. If, in your mind, it works that way, than it works that way.

'Thanks for all of this-the party, the sex; I am grateful for your efforts.'

You don't need the semicolon there. It isn't necessary. I love semicolons, so I'm always trying to sneak them in. However, that "I am grateful..." can stand alone.

I awoke with a throbbing headache, my hands tied and Liz standing two-feet from me: holding some sort of weapon.

The colon isn't necessary here. A comma would suffice.

She came at me and hit me with the thing in her hands, then scratched my face once-twice, then three times; until blood trickled down my cheeks.

This sentence confused me grammatically. Maybe, "She came at me and hit me with the thing in her hands. Then, she scratched my face once, twice, then three times, until blood trickled down my cheeks." I don't know if that fits what you wanted, but I was just trying to think of ways to "de-clutter" the punctuation. Less is always better.

'You are one sick bastard!' 'I will fuck you up! Just like you fucked Christine up!'

Are two different people saying this? Or is that woman saying this herself?

'Come back here Mr Jones, I am not done with you.' 'I want your blood on my hands, and your heart throbbing when I squeeze its life out of your infernal body!'

Once again, are two different people saying these things?

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

This needs to be spaced out, for the sake of flow. Everything is so jumbled together, the sentences to be exact, that I had difficulty finding my bearings in a paragraph. I want to read your words, so make it easy for me! Give each line of dialogue its own line, so there is no confusion as to who is talking and who isn't.

'Thanks for all of this-the party, the sex; I am grateful for your efforts.'

The, "I am grateful for your efforts..." seemed a bit out of place to me. I believe this takes place in the present, and, at least I do not believe, that women would thank a man for his "efforts" after sex.

She put her skimpy skirt and bra on, teasing me with her slow movements.

How about, "She put on her skimpy..." Just for the sake of flow. If you place the "on" at the end, it just seems awkward.

I got up to get dressed before work, and before I knew what hit me-all went dark.

I wouldn't put this all in the same sentence. Give the reader some breathing room. As well, it offers for greater suspense. If it is all in the same sentence, the reader knows what is coming. Space it out.

Heavy rounds made for the killing of beasts and animals such as this whore of the devil! 'Take this!' Bang! Bang! Bang! Three shots, Three holes in her chest.

The use of exclamation points and the "Bang!" toppled the intensity of this story. It almost seem childish in comparison to the dark, mature tone that you established for this story. In a story like this, I would caution against the use of exclamation points. And, if you are going to use them, only use one. Two is pushing it. However, this is simply my opinion.

'Your turn Mr Jones.'

This isn't a grammatical suggestion, because it isn't necessary per se, but I would recommend placing a comma after "turn." It seems to end the story better, in my opinion.

Fourth, your characters:

This has nothing to do with your characters, but I would turn this into a novel. You have the characters and the necessary hook, so why not keep going? But, but to your characters.

Even though this is a short story, I felt like Mr. Jones was too underdeveloped. A short story must present interesting characters, and I felt as though Mr. Jones was rather bland. I didn't have the necessary interest to keep reading. Give him something. Let us know about him and care about him.

Fifth, your plot:

I had no idea what was going on. I would slow this down. I know that your intention was to create a fast paced short story, but it almost too fast. The opening interaction between Liz and Mr. Jones seems pointless compared to the rest of the story. Why have them together if it doesn't matter? And if it does, tell us why it matters. Tell us more about this world that they are living in. I have absolutely no idea about this world, so why would I want to read about it. That may seem harsh, but I want this story to work. Slow down. Describe more. Let the reader know more so that he or she will want to read on.

Overall, besides the nit-picks that I had, this story could really work. And, as I've suggested, transform it into a novel. You have the needed writing prowess, so I know you would have no difficulty. You are a bold writer; few have the courage needed to say write what you have. It is unapologetic and true. Keep me posted on anything else you write. I'd love to read more. Happy Writing!

Hey there! Tiger here for a review!

Okay, overall, this is a very suspenseful story! There are a few things that you need to work on to make this great, though. I'll go through all of that below, but before I start I just wanted to let you know that while I may be harsh, I do think this has a lot of potential! I'm excited to read the continuation and hope that all my comments help.

1. One thing I noticed that made this relatively hard to read was how this story is actually set up. You need to space it out so the reader doesn't have to go through it to understand what you are trying to stay. Since this is the beginning of your story, and a mystery story at that, it is crucial you don't confuse the reader otherwise they may give up before they even give the story a chance!

For instance:

'What are you doing?' I asked groggily, hoping not to get hit with that thing. 'It is just your death-giver Mr Jones.' 'What? What do you mean?' 'Let me put it in plain English, you fucked one of my friends and then hit her!' She came at me and hit me with the thing in her hands, then scratched my face once-twice, then three times; until blood trickled down my cheeks. 'You are one sick bastard!' 'I will fuck you up! Just like you fucked Christine up!'

You see how this is bulky and hard to read? I've underlined where the main problem lies. Here is how it SHOULD look.

"What are you doing?" I asked groggily, hoping not to get hit with that thing.

"It is just your death-giver Mr. Jones."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Let me put it in plain English, you fucked one of my friends and then hit her!"

etc, etc. You see how this is easier to read? I won't go through every single example of this, but just by correcting these easy mistakes, you will have a much better and easier piece to read.

2. Show don't tell!! I'm sure you've heard this quite a bit here in YWS. It's a harder concept to understand than just grammar and the set-up of your writing. Don't worry though, this will come with time!

For example:

Slowly, she turned her body, and walked towards the kitchen. Taking the sharpest of the ten knives she made her way to me. I started for a way out of this; my face in agony, and I couldn't do anything about it. I flexed my muscles to the maximum and broke the tight rope around my wrists just before her blow came crashing down onto the chair. Death came close, and smiled its wicked smile; just to say 'hello' and give me a taste of what it had in store for me.

Alright, this is just a quick example of showing not telling.

She smiled silkily at me as she strutted towards the kitchen. I got a quick glance at ten kitchen knives, sharp and silver, gleaming even in the dark room. My gaze flitted around desperately looking for any weapon or any door. My entire body ached, though I knew if I didn't figure out something it won't hurt all the more. Or I just wouldn't hurt at all, I would be dead.

You see how I only took the first couple sentences and made them fuller with more content? I also showed the reader what I was trying to say without just boring them by only telling them. Again, this is something that will come with time, but give it a try! It makes writing more fun to describe things in different ways.

3. Your hook. Now, this could be a pet peeve of mine, but I usually don't like stories that start with sex as a hook. Simply because (and while they don't have a close relationship it seems) sex is supposed to be a very intense and emotional act. Maybe start with the two characters meeting and chatting at the party you spoke of? I just don't think it's a very good hook. Again, it will confuse the reader (and not in the way a mystery story should!) and the hook is meant to grab their attention to give them that first initial interest!

4. Sentence structure. I still have this problem myself! Sometimes the way you phrase things sounds perfect in your mind, but once you write/type them out, not so much. This, once again, will come with time. However, the only cure I've found is simply by revising. Which is why I'm here!

For example:

I flexed my muscles to the maximum and broke the tight rope around my wrists just before her blow came crashing down onto the chair. Death came close, and smiled its wicked smile; just to say 'hello' and give me a taste of what it had in store for me.

This is how I would rephrase it:
The rope was tight around my wrist that it was fairly easy for me to flex against them, loosening it little by little. I barely heard the tap of her footsteps as I worked furiously. I felt my right hand slip out of the first knot, jerking my left hand out simultaneously.

For the first part I rephrased simply because it doesn't make sense that he can flex his muscles to break the rope. If he is supernatural, that needs to be made known to us before now, otherwise this is VERY confusing.

I lay gasping on the floor, black dots winking in front of my eyes. Death drew close, smiling it's wicked smile. This wasn't the first time death had tried to greet me.

The last sentence you had was way too clunky and the 'hello' part was unnecessary. I really liked what you had there before that though. Simply rephrase it in a different way.

Alright, that's about all I had for you! Really, I'd just read through your story and correct the issues that I have laid out for you. I find it a bit redundant to go through every single example and won't insult your intelligence by doing so.

I hope that I helped, and even though my reviews may seem harsh, I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't see potential! Please keep writing and all my comments are merely suggestions!

Cheers!
Tiger