The Moscow University grudgingly brought to light the young Candidate Master, so that he could participate in it's annual Moscow Championship; currently in its 74th anniversary. Bright-eyed he stood gazing into endless numbers of chairs, benches and auburn tables. The Chairman with his hand upon the 15-year old said,
'I believe this is your first national competition?'
'Yes sir.'
The Candidate said under his breath. His hair neat, suit steam-cleaned and smelling of red roses in the hot Summer sun, felt quite the opposite of distress; happy-grateful to be in such a prodigious event. The Chairman made his way up the steel stairs to the intercom:
'The draws are up! Make sure you are at your seat and correct table, otherwise you will be disqualified. Thank you.',
Letting go of the intercom he waved to Karpov. Upon completion of the short jog to the Chairman, Karpov got butterflies on his stomach; it smacked him hard in the face. His first opponent was the GM Valary Lilov, he was big, much bigger than the young Master, but a worthy opponent stood in front of him. One that wouldn't be a 'push-over'.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I love all the mystery. What is the competition about? Keep going so all us readers can find out. Why is he not expected to be happy? I would like to find out all these things. And I will read your next part when I can. What is a "push-over" in this context? I just want to know, so keep going!
I am still working on part two. Do you know chess?
Yes, I (roughly) know the rules of chess and have played about three times in my life.
That is what this is about.
Cool!
I like the way you started, a little bit mysterious which is very important when you're trying to catch the attention. However, a little bit too mysterious I think it would be good if you mention at least what kind of competition is this, because I was a bit confused of what was going on, and maybe describe a little bit more your character.
Good job though, carry on!
Remember that this is the first part, the introduction. I assume that the reader would notice only two characters, namely the candidate and Chairman. I name the Candidate, Karpov, in a later paragraph. Assuming that the reader will perceive him as the first title given. Thanks for the comment!
This was a pretty intriguing opening, but unless you want to appeal only people who participate in chess competitions I would strongly suggest that you at least mention that it's about chess. I don't think it would be hard to slip in, and it would make it a lot more accessible to a lot more people. The final decision is yours though, of course.
It's also a bit heavy on titles for me, and I'm finding it difficult to keep up with who's who. Is Karpov one of the people who was mentioned by title? The Candidate Master perhaps? I'm not entirely sure from reading this.
There are a couple of grammar issues, for example:
Should be:
'Yes sir,' the Candidate said under his breath.
That's not the only grammar mistake, but I think a more important change you could make would be to clarify the issue with the titles, and who's doing what.
I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes, keep writing!
EDIT: Sorry, this was meant to be a review, but I forgot to class it as such.
My English teacher, Dr. Peter Farrands, said that when I write I shouldn't compensate for others simplicity. I am not attacking you now, only telling you why I did it like I did. He said further that other's ignorance cannot be compensated for. Again not calling you out just stating my reasons.
Wooooooooaaaaaaaaah.
Okay, I know this is really short but I really like it. What's it about though? I know it's about a championship, but what kind? I'm guessing academics? I think maybe you should specify some content a bit, but aside from that everything is all good! Good job!
Cheers!
GrapeNerd
If you know about chess the names will tell all. I don't have to write in a simplified way, if the reader needs more info he is allowed to look it up. It is entertainment and learning. Not to sound offensive though.... But thanks for the comment!
Oh, okay! Thanks for specifying! I think you did a really great job!