The sweat tumbled down their faces; dampening the notation pads down below. Hands flurried through the air as Knights and Pawns came crashing down, with enough force to crack the marble board. For moments passed as the tiring Nakamura struggled for a proper move to save his loathsome King for sudden demise:
'How-did this happen?' 'Dammit! Everything turns to shreds!' Exclaimed a man who was already beaten.
All that Carlsen ever does is show up for the game, and shows how to beat a fallen warrior from ever ascending grace of Victory's grasp. Such power, such style! The spectators shout from the weather worn seats of The Pioneers Palace in Moscow. Russians of Slav heritage came to view the Olympic struggle of a feud that never stops; men of class superior to the God's of War, high above observing the battles fought with contempt. Cursing under their breath to such a Mortal bearing ungodly strength.
'I can't do this anymore! Carlsen is just to strong-a god among mere mortals!'
'Just give up Naka, nothing can be done for your begotten troops; they are cut off and starving. Tip your King over in resignation.' The tongue of the Viper spoke only smooth, truthful words to any that would listen. When one closed ears to him, he would beguile you, 'till the grave robbers steal you bones.
Through gritted teeth the Fallen took his King's resignation, with a destroyed army and broken soul he went off the stage.....
The One who won sat quietly, and only grinned as his dreaded enemy was again dethroned!
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
hi!
I loved this piece!
The covabulary you chose to use throughout your writing I think really makes it what it is. I love how it's sort of old language and I know how hard that is to write so I congratulate you!
Here are some nitpicks:
Here you have too many speech marks I think
I just wanted to say this is amazing! Can't believe how you take something so simple and transform it into something so powerful and effective just by your use of words. *so jealous*
I would put this into a separate paragraoh and add speech marks.
I think you mean *Gods of War.
*too strong
Keep writing!
Hi there! Jacques here to review your piece.
First things first. I loved the way you used chess as the main idea throughout the piece. I too enjoy chess (I'm quite experienced too), so this piece caught my attention immediately.
" For moments passed as the tiring Nakamura struggled for a proper move to save his loathsome King for sudden demise:
This sentence bothered me a bit. On the one side it seems fine to me, but on the other side I found that I would have phrased it somewhere along the line of this: " Lingering moments passed as the tiring Nakamura struggled to find the proper move to save his loathsome King from sudden demise." I don't know what atmosphere you wanted to create with this sentence, so this is just my opinion.
Your vocabulary is out of this world! No offense to you, but I never thought a sixteen year old could have a vocabulary such as yours. Bravo to you!!
Your descriptive talents are even better than your vocabulary! You put me there in the Pioneers Palace, on those weather worn seats. The alliteration of the w-sound works splendidly.
The metaphors you use are also brilliant. Comparing the chess match with an Olympic event was spot on, as well as the comparison of the gods and mortals. Bravo.
The length is perfect. I agree with AppleSolution that I'd like some more body to the piece, but then I also disagree, because if you were to add more, it might spoil the mood of the piece.
Did this really happen to you? If it did not, you must have an extraordinary imagination to come up with this master piece. I rate 'Chess: the art of war' 9.5 out of 10. Top notch,I'd say! (-;
Huzzah! For this will be my first review on YWS.
Of course, it could all end horribly but...
Let's begin, don't want me to ramble for too long, eh?
Firstly, I found the vocabulary in this piece to be very interesting.
Words such as flurried, loathsome and demise are all very good.
Why are they good?
They're good because they're of a much more advanced vocabulary than words that you could have used instead.
For example, the word demise is so much better than defeat.
And flurried is much better than moved.
And, there were phrases in this piece that I also enjoyed to read quite a lot.
In particular, the phrase "The spectators shout from the weather worn seats" caught my eye.
It seemed to be a fluid sentence, the words "weather" and "worn" knitted perfectly together and, when read aloud, role perfectly off the tongue.
And, overall, the piece of writing which I've just had the pleasure of reading tells a wonderful story. It's short, but sweet.
After all, it's quality that's important and not quantity.
Of course quality can be attractive in great quantities.
And now is the time for me to indulge in some constructive criticism.
This piece was wonderful and, although it's short nature can be seen as a plus, it could also be seen as a minus. If I were you, I'd have attempted or flesh it out just a bit more and carry it on for just a bit longer.
But, other than that, I'd say there isn't anything else I could advise you to do.
This piece was perfect in almost every way.
Well done, and keep writing
It was brilliant.
And thank you for being my first review here!
Thanks to everyone who like this!
It is very encouraging to hear that I can write well. I based this story on the Nakamura-Carlsen game played in the Gushimov Memorial. 