I Held Time in my Hands

I like this poem. Since I can't see mistakes very well, I think it was a prettiful poem.

I love the imagery you used throughout this poem. It was very interesting, however, I think that you could cut down on the use of pronouns (he, she, they, etc.) because at times they can get very confusing to what the reader, be more specific. I like hoe you didn't use a rhyme scheme, its nice to see one that don't ryhme every once in a while. I liked the originality in it, and how you used personification. Great job, keep it up, and if you need reviews, let me know.

~kaylyn

Hey,
You asked me to critique this poem ages ago, I really didn't get the time to do this until now

I think the cocept is great, the imagery is also great.

Still,
Time struggled to free himself
still warm and lively

Its
breath casted dark winds against my flesh.
But my hands would
not cease.

Exhaustion crept throughout
my arm and traveled to my body

My hands trembled and aged.
The strength and naivety that
once captured Time are defeated.
No longer can these hands capture.

I held time in my hands
and would not let it go.

My cold hands imprisoned
the golden force. I felt
his pleading call and witnessed < This is just a personal preference, but do you need “and”? Or, rather, do you particularly want it?
his fluttering heartbeat.

I tightened my fingers so
the blood escaped the extremity
of my swollen palm. Still,
Time struggled to free himself
still warm and lively. < This repetition of “still” is affecting your flow, I think. I’d delete it.

His fallen tears gathered into
a small pool in my palm. Its < Suddenly you’ve used “Its” instead of “his” it’s noticeable.
breath casted dark winds against < While Word is telling me that “casted” is a word, I think “cast” might work better for you here.
my flesh. But my hands would
not cease.< It might be that “would” could fit better, flow wise, on this line. That’s also just personal preference, I think. I’m not sure it would actually change the flow terribly.

Exhaustion crept throughout < The flow from this line to the next is a little iffy. I’d suggest using “though” instead of “throughout”.
my arm and traveled to my body.
Time's tiny fists beat fiercely against
the chambers that withheld him.
The silence and space between
him and I deafened me. < I’m not sure, but would you consider “us” instead of “him and me”? It just feels odd now, but that might just be my reading of it. Still, consider the change?

I held Time in my hands
And finally let it go.

Screaming spouts of relief
in a flash of erratic lights,
he fled my grasp
and left me.

I think this could be better. I mention below that I think mixing these two stanzas would be a good idea. This stanza is good for the description of the event, but feels empty, all the flash without the substance. Your substance comes in the next stanza where it loses some of the strength it needs. In the first, I’d move the fourth line and let it join the third, the break here is unnecessary. Consider, if you will, mixing these stanzas. I think you need it.

My hands trembled and aged.
The strength and naivety that
once captured Time are defeated.
No longer can these hands capture.

I dislike this whole stanza, to be honest. I think that you could do well to mix the ideas you have here with what you have in the stanza above. I think as a stanza that this could go completely.

Time has since visited me --
mocking and taunting.
My shaky, surreal hands reach
for him but fail to catch. < I don’t think you need “for him” here, that’s up to you, I doubt it would change anything drastically.

I held Time in my hands.

This is well done. I appreciate the choices you’ve made and the difference between the poems. I realise I’m a bit harsher this time – my critiquing style has changed a little – but I do think this version is much better.

Again, if you change this, give me a call. I’d love to read it again.

Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hello Adrian,

First of all, I've always liked that name

Second, your poem was really good! I liked it a lot. Time is one thing that creeps up on us and captures us; holding us back from our freedom. Time can be such a blessing, yet such a pain at the same time. There's just not enough of it in one day or even our lifetime. You took an interesting approach on "time". You described it to me as "someone", not just "something". I found it very cool. You did a really nice job with this. There's only one thing I would alter. And that is, I think it could flow a little better. You could easily add a little rhyme. And if that was added, then your poem would be absolutely amazing! Of course, it's only one's opinion to judge poetry; it speaks simply from the heart.

Nice work.
-thevoiceinside