To Be Friend and Foe

Thanks everyone for all the kind words!
I will most definitely use everyone's criticism for my next revision!
Be on the look out for new work and revision from me!

nice!

adriangarcia wrote:To Be Friend and Foe
BY Adrian

I stand here waiting by the ocean’s edge.
The salty breeze washes over my face.
Sometimes, I wonder if anyone can hear my thoughts.
The gasping shriek bounces off my skull.
Why hasn’t anyone acknowledged its cry for help?

The ocean draws near.
I could walk back to my caged car.
Or, I could wait.
My body is numb but my troubles are flourishing.
My mind buzzes over bank statements, bills, and bounced checks.

The sun is finally creeping out with her splendid face.
Neither tempest nor tragedy seems to get in her way.
But her friend prods the old dame along.
Toothless and shriveled, she leaves the night to the gorged and glowing.
Yet always arrives promptly at three waiting for foe to leave.

The sun has almost risen and the tide is to my toes.
And all at once they both embrace me.
One warms my cheek and the other chills my feet.
Sensational static surfs my spine.
The moment I had been waiting for.

The impending is ambiguous as always.
And I am tenuous as usual.
But for now, my children are snug in their beds.
The morning is brimming so I climb in the tub.
I wash the dreams out of my hair and scrub the fantasy off my skin.
I dress in clad thread for a war against evils warding the air.

***Author's Note***
This is a revision of the second poem I submitted to YWS forums. I took suggestions and edited (rather, took away several lines). Enjoy!

I really enjoyed this. The imagery made me feel like I was in the poem, too. I also like how the mood at the beginning is stressed and tense, but by the ending it resolves to a temporary sense of peace. I think the little things you put in the poem (the financial problems, children, even taking a bath) helped me like it on a more personal level by making it something I could relate to. I don't really have anything bad to say about this that they didn't, so great job. Keep up the good work!

If this is at present tense, maybe you should change the second line to, "The salty breeze washing over my face." It sounds better nevertheless.

In the fifth stanza, I think you should get rid of the line about a bathtub in it. It seems somewhat blunt to me. Other than that, I think the poem is pretty good! Keep on writing,

~Lindsay
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." -Winston Churchill

The gasping shriek bounces off my skull.
This line just sounds weird. If your are gasping, you are inhaling strangely, and if you are shrieking, you are exhaling weirdly. You can't do both.

Other than that, this was an amazing poem. I really think so. It's way cool!