i’ll always find my way back here, to the shore;
the moon is out this time,
and i stare at the patch of sand
between us and ache to touch you again
dreading the countable infinity that separates me from you
in five years maybe i’ll be a fossil,
coal crushed in the soil,
but still i’ll wait for you -
maybe you can put me on your desk.
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137,429 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hia! Beautiful profile picture!
Poetry is usually not my strong suit but I did want to check out what type of things you are writing
Hmm I wonder if the summary is related to the poem or if it is part of your own progress, a declaration of "look we are still doing it!"
Because I also like the idea of the process of writing is something you can come back to, maybe the shore of your home?
oh the contradiction of a countable infinity (tho, yes, ik this is probably a thing in mathematics too)
i still feel as if a "patch" of sand implies there's like only this heap of sand on this beach and everything else is idk gravel. xd at least this is what I think of when I read this.
I like the idea of the narrator thinking abt potentially becoming a fossil, even if that process takes longer than 5 years, I like the hyperbole of it. It kinda implies that they are just kinda... withering away with longing--while they wait.
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hi adore!
Lovely job reviewing so much lately!
I really enjoy how you've spatialized the distance between the narrator and the figure they're referring to - I know that the shore / moon / sand setup is quite familiar, but I enjoyed how you made it less abstract through the narrator's longing. I think the "plainness" of the sand and the moon really complement all of the emotions the narrator is going through, particularly the grief / loneliness they feel without their loved one. I also felt that the moon being "out this time" gives the reunion a more cosmic feeling, like perhaps this is the first time the narrator has observed the moon / felt it had any say in their relationship.
I do wish you expanded on some ideas though! For example, the phrase "countable infinity" is gorgeous; it's a distance that can be measured but never exhausted, separation that is technically countable but emotionally endless. That is very clever, and it fits with the distance motif! However, I do think that the poem moves into that idea rather quickly and does not give the reader enough time to process the movement. The rest of the poem works through natural and geological imagery (shore, moon, sand, fossil, coal, soil, etc), so I felt that the sudden abstraction could be explained more thoroughly. Lean into it! Why is there an infinity that separates the two? What does that mean for their relationship now?
The self-erasing ending is also really neat to me - I did think, though, that you could embrace that transformative nature? The narrator views themselves as an object of study, decoration, etc., but that sense of self isn't something I see in the early lines... What changed?
Anyways, very nice poem! Welcome back!
best,
cocteau