The extremely dark clouds gathered with rapid movement. There was not a streak of light from above. Surely the gods still watch us!
Silence was everywhere. Total silence.
Lightning struck and illuminated the path for a moment. Shango still watches us!
Ah Shango, I knew you would not forsake us. You, the god of thunder and lightning, have never disappointed me. I only pray that you give me the strength to battle with this evil.
The darkness became thicker until I could feel it right beside me.
All our attempts, our sacrifices, our journeys, the success of it all depended on this last struggle, on this last battle.
Through treacherous terrains we peregrinated. For a period of three full moons we journeyed in search of the powerful weapon. The only weapon that could defeat this great evil. A weapon forged deep within the core of the fiery well of the gods. Casted by Ogun the iron god himself, and filled with the essence of Shango, the thunder god.
To end this evil once and for all, the Sword of Ina had to be weilded by the one chosen - Me.
I, Saki, decendant of Oduduwa, the only mortal son of the sun god Ayao. I am the chosen one, and I shall not die until I have killed this great evil!
Brothers! it is come!
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Neat story! I like all the suspense and wondering what the battle is all about. I don't know if this is just a little short story thing or if you plan on writing more, but I think that you could make this into a really cool story. Your description and wording was cool, and the storyline is really neat. Hope you write more!
wow, thanks. I'm still not sure if I'll write more or leave it at that.
Here to review XD
Content: For content I'm going to give you a 8 out of 10 because the story itself is nice but I feel that you could put more information in some parts. Like when you mention Shango I have no idea who that is as a reader so you should tell us (aka the readers) a little more about him in the story. Trust me the reader will appreciate if you do.
And one more thing, the part about the darkness. Now I know you were trying to describe that the best you could but I don't think you can actually "smell" darkness, I would say something like "The darkness became thicker until I could feel it crowding against me" rather than smell it.
Grammar:
For Grammar I'm going to give you 9 out 10 because at the end you made a tiny mistake- "it is come"
Now I'm not sure if you meant to say "It has come" or "It is time" so that's up to you but overall I don't see tons of mistakes here which is the complete opposite from me.
Nice job!
Storyline:
I give you a 10 out of 10 in storyline because your plot is a definite interest peeker! The fact that Saki is a descendant from the only mortal son of a god and he's the chosen one to kill a great evil are really nice touches.
So overall, I think this story could be a great read if you're careful about your content throughout it and small grammar mistakes. You should continue trying to write it because I am interested to see where you take this :3
Thanks for the review.
The phrase 'it is come' is actually correct. It's an archaic form of English. The character speaks in 1st person, so I think it's okay to use it (plus the setting is in ancient times).
But thanks though