This is day six. I am completely tired and dehydrated. I can't take this anymore. No I cannot!
The creature shows no mercy. It wants its property back. I want to die! I just want all this to end!
My name is Emeka Peters, and I am writing this in case I do not survive. The situation I've gotten myself into is a dire one. Here is how it all started.
I have been living in abject poverty since my childhood. I am now married with three children; children who don't got to school because of their parents' financial privation. I work as a local blacksmith, and of course, my wages do not sustain me and my family.
Last week, an incident occurred that caused a lot of pressure to be put on me. Both my parents died the same day. I, as their only child, have to pay for the burial arrangements and ceremonies. According to tradition, I had to bury my parents within 10 days after their death or else their spirits will not past on and rest.
I didn't know what to do. There was no way for me to get the money for the burial. I was in a deep quandary.
It was during my cogitation that I one day decided to attempt the unthinkable. I decided to steal the mat of an egbere. An egbere is a creature that lives in the forest of Amaki. It is similar to the Leprechaun which I hear the white men talk so often about. The Egbere holds a lantern and a mat. The mat if stolen, will make the possessor extremely rich. But there was an obstacle. After taking the mat, the possessor has to endure seven days of incessant psychological torture from the creature.
This was what got me to rethink. Is this not the means by which Chief Ola got his riches? Or so they say.
Yes! I will do it. Is not just seven days? I have endured thirty-nine years of hardship. What is a mere seven days?
I wasted no time. Grabbing my machete, I went straight onto the path that leads to the forest. The sun was setting by then, and I planned to get a mat before nightfall (for this is when the Egberes awaken from their slumber).
I spoke to no one along the way. I looked at no one. I reached the entrance of the forest, looked up and saw that nightfall was approaching quickly. In the forest, it was not difficult to find an Egbere's cave. There were a lot of them in the forest because there was no other forest for kilometers away.
Stealing their mats is no problem. Enduring their torture is.
I have just a few days left. No! it's a few hours. The creature is messing with my head. I can't think straight. Yes yes yes, it's three days that remain.
What's that I hear? Is that my daughter crying behind the door? But that is impossible, my daughter is home. Or could she have found out I was here? How?
"Tina!" "Tina is that you?"
"Daddy, let me in"
No no no, that cannot be her. But what if it is her? The creature may harm her. I have to let her in!
"I'm coming, stop yelling!"
"Daddy I am scared"
"I'm coming"
I pushed all the blockades away from the door. I unfastened the latch and drew the door open...
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I really did enjoy the story, but there were a few things that caught me about the way you incorporated everything. Perhaps it's just me, but I often don't like to read or write stories where the writer puts the context and explanations of creatures that everyone in the realm he creates is supposed to know about in the story itself. I prefer a previous explanation. Often, I call these types of things context papers. The main idea of one would be "The Riviith," which is the only thing I've posted on here. Also, and especially in a first person story, I like feeling what the character's feeling. You spoke of hunger and thirst, but I want to know if the character's clothes are rugged and scratchy. I want to know if the psychological pain tears into his physical well being, and if he has physical pains like jagged rocks under his feet or needles in his body. Other than fear, I didn't know what the character's emotions are while most people respond in different ways when the become fearful enough. For example, I become frustrated and angry when fear and adrenaline kicks in. Next, I understand that you want to talk about what happens and draw that tension the reader, but it's sort of confusing when the character is supposed to be writing this (setting up for the cliffhanger) and then speaks about the quick dialogue and what happens before he dies. I'm not sure whether he quits writing and you see it from a third person view, but if so, I'm not sure why it's written in first person view.
Apart from these things, I really enjoyed the story itself. I would suggest you take advantage of "egberes" by writing and imagining more about them in other, longer stories. Whenever you come up with a unique creature, let it be used in the stories and worlds you enter, live in, and journal about. By the way, big words are fine as long as they don't take all of your time to find while writing.
Hi there! This is my first review in ... a while, so bear with me. I'll go through first and just point out some things that jump out, then I'll give you some overall thoughts.
As an opening, I find this quite weak. I understand that you might want to open suddenly, perhaps with a little shock? I'm not quite sure what your plan is with the opening, but honestly? It comes off as a little weak and cliche. (Note: cliche is not necessarily a bad thing - they are overused for a reason - but it makes your opening ineffective.)
Firstly, you have a lot of short sentences that begin with 'I' and end in an exclamation mark. It's repetitive, and the exclamation marks make the sentence seem annoying rather than shocking - emotion should come through the words instead.
Secondly, the 'this situation is dire' 'I might not survive' is ... not exciting? If I were you I would think more about the ways that you're writing your ideas so that you can actually excite the reader and draw them in, rather than using lines that they might have seen before.
Note: The point about starting all sentences with 'I' and having them really short and simple goes for the entire piece. Think more about how you write, 'kay?
Your writing here seems very stilted, like you're attempting to make it formal, but it sounds quite awkward. This is a mixture of the consistently short sentences and the word choice. 'Quandary' is an interesting word, but is it stylistically relevant?
As to the writing for the rest, it still needs work. It's possible that you're attempting a style for the story and I just haven't picked up on it? If that's the case, I still think you need to make it consistence, choose your words more carefully and please, please think about your sentence structure. Also, your writing is confusing so think about ways to structure this better.
You have a nice way of deliberately leaving information out of the story, making it more interesting. However, I think in that case you need to make sure that what you are putting in is strong and enough to keep the reader interested. I would recommend reading this through a few more times and making it more clear - think about what you want to say, how you can write it in the best way possible and what effect it will have on the reader. At the moment, it seems as though you've written in a bit of a rush and this lessens the effect.
Okay! I hope this is helpful. I did enjoy the story and with some work it could be good! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Amy
Wow, you sure dropped the bomb. Thanks for the critique. I'll make sure I make due corrections.
Hey there it's Lycando to review!
I have to admit I had to Google the meaning of "quandary", "abject" and "privation" and some other words. Firstly, the reader is left confused, and has to check the dictionary, like I did. 
Secondly, it gets a little tiring after awhile.
First of all, I want to say that I really enjoy your story! Short as it may be, it does give me a clear picture of what is going on, and it flows smoothly as well. The transitions between memories and the present aren't sudden or drastic either.
The dialogue was realistic, like how a Dad and his child would converse in real life. The phrase "Daddy I am scared" especially brought across this effect. The conflict you placed in the characters head was also very descriptive, it shows a troubled character who has become desperate, and is on the verge of a breakdown.
One thing though, for thoughts, and I mean when the main character is thinking, it's always good to place the words as italics. One tip here too, avoid using bombastic and complicated sounding words.
Overall, good story, and the cliffhanger there was well done. What I would expect next would be to see his daughter. That's all from me, I don't really see anything else I have to critique about this! Good job!
Cheers, Lycando!
Thanks
But, it isn't his daughter that's behind the door.
Ah...interesting. So it's a wrong person then? o.o
It's egbere.
I forgot to include the fact that egberes are known to imitate the cries of children.
He wasn't supposed to let the egbere in. I made that clear with 'the blockades at the door'.
Sorry for the weak elaboration.
I understood where you were going with that abelygaiya.
ah ok I see now. And that's why elaboration is so important XD