This is my account of what I'm experiencing during the 7-Day solitary exercise which I'm carrying out in my room. It may be a bit dramatic though.
Saturday 19th January 2013
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never knew it would be this difficult!
This is my first day I've spent in solitary confinement. I have been given neither food nor water.
The sight of this cell increases my hunger. I'ts grimy walls, embellished with writings and drawings - which I must say were done by very artistic criminals - are an intolerable sight.
I am not the only creature in this cell. There are about six, eight, twelve, eighteen, other beings with me. The difference between me and them is that I'm human, and they're not.
Oh how these mosquitoes annoy me! Sucking my blood anytime they get thirsty! Like I'm their food storage.
The sound they make with their flapping wings is their most annoying feature. Yes! I killed one! This one sucked a lot of blood from me. It though it could just get away with it right?
As aggravating as these creatures are, it would be nice to be one of them. Being tiny enough to fly through the keyhole of the door. Perhaps I could even fly off to the Chief warden's office and suck his blood. I would aim for his neck. It would be nice to see him scratch his neck repeatedly.
These pesky little rats! They're everywhere! The little creatures scuttle around like it's their hood or something. I can hear their little squeaks of laughter. Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!
They may be little, but they have their freedom. I watch them crawling out of the cell through the small space under the door.
I wish I were as tiny as these things; I could walk in and out just like they do.
Sometimes, I hear footsteps behind the door, in the hallway, warders passing; inspecting the closure of every cell door. i like to hear the people walking outside the cell; it reminds me that I'm still alive.
I wish I were a warder. Oh what power he possesses. He has the power to unlock the door and set me free. I would set myself free if I were a warder.
I told you it may be a bit dramatic...okay, very dramatic and exaggerated.
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138,666 Literary Works • 672,203 Reviews
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I wanted to review this piece because it sounded fun and I thought I would get a laugh out of it…I was right.
“ I'ts grimy walls, embellished with writings and drawings”
I’m sure I’m not needed to find the mistake in this sentence. It is quite apparent.
“The sound they make with their flapping wings is their most annoying feature.”
I wish I could hear the sound of a mosquito’s wings! Jealousy ;P
“These pesky little rats! They're everywhere! The little creatures scuttle around like it's their hood or something. I can hear their little squeaks of laughter. Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!”
I don’t know why but this is my favourite part! It makes me laugh just reading it. Very well written Abel! I have a rat infestation as well…sometimes I wish I could terminate them, but then I realize I’m like Cinderella and I have servants, albeit small servants, to do my work! Mwahah!
“Sometimes, I hear footsteps behind the door, in the hallway, warders passing; inspecting the closure of every cell door. i like to hear the people walking outside the cell; it reminds me that I'm still alive.”
Did you mean to say warders? Or warden? I think warden is more accurate. Capitalize the I as well.
“I wish I were a warder. Oh what power he possesses. He has the power to unlock the door and set me free. I would set myself free if I were a warder.”
Again, warder? Or warden?
I like it! I want to read more about your solitary confinement! It sounds rather entertaining! Good work!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.
Hey, thanks for the review and for enjoying my piece.
Warder is how it's spelt in UK English. Since we use British English in my country, most of the spellings you'll see in my writing may not be correct [in your sight] because of our different vocabulary structures.
Alright! I'm here to review!
Ok I agree with alfred on this, this is not "day"s first day in solitary confinement, it is yours.
You can actually hear mosquitoes flapping their wings? If so, you my dear sir are extraordinary!
So overall I really liked this, your sense of humor here is really amusing! It's a different style of writing from others, and somehow even as you're suffering you're able to make it seem exciting. I like how you view things in this, with sentences such as.
This was really nice, funny too!
Overall it certainly was very dramatic, and probably exaggerated too. Makes me wonder if that's what really happened to you...Keep writing still! I've been enjoying your stories so far!
Thanks Lycando
I've also been enjoying your reviews so far!
Abelgaiya! Salutations, good sir! I see you're being an advocate of solitude, eh? Anyways, Abel, let me hit you up with a very simple review about your writing style
Okay, so one of the strangest thing I've found in this here piece is the above line. With it, you've stated that the first day was in the solitary confinement. You see my point? It was as if you're saying that the day is in the confinement and not you. I know the meaning of the line is obvious already, but it's still very confusing. So, maybe a change will do? Also, it would be better to finish it with a semi-colon because the next line (I have been given etc.) can make more impact if it's semi-connected with that one.
I think this line breaks the fluidity of the piece. See, you've approached your readers with an emotional slow-mo kinda looking start, then you suddenly went to young Shakespeare mode and pointed out the mosquitos! how about going slower? Describe the confinement, what's in it. Mosquitos are okay, but describe, don't only say that they piss you off
This should be a continuation of the sentence before it, just use an exclamatory mark instead of a semi-colon. This would bring more action
I think entering this paragraph needs a better transition. See, you've just commented on the pesky insects, so stop for a while, share something else, then go to the rats. A better technique is mention the rats themselves in an out-of-the topic anecdote then slap the readers with remembering those pesky things!
I really like this part
The period between hallway and warders break the growing impact, try just a comma
Use myself instead of me
FINAL WORDS: Dramatic? Well, yes, of course
Good luck writing and have a nice day!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Thanks for the pointers. I'll apply them ASAP
Thanks for the pointers. I'll apply them ASAP