z

Young Writers Society



Solitude

by abelgaiya


This is my account of what I'm experiencing during the 7-Day solitary exercise which I'm carrying out in my room. It may be a bit dramatic though.

Saturday 19th January 2013

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never knew it would be this difficult!

This is my first day I've spent in solitary confinement. I have been given neither food nor water.

The sight of this cell increases my hunger. I'ts grimy walls, embellished with writings and drawings - which I must say were done by very artistic criminals - are an intolerable sight.

I am not the only creature in this cell. There are about six, eight, twelve, eighteen, other beings with me. The difference between me and them is that I'm human, and they're not.

Oh how these mosquitoes annoy me! Sucking my blood anytime they get thirsty! Like I'm their food storage.

The sound they make with their flapping wings is their most annoying feature. Yes! I killed one! This one sucked a lot of blood from me. It though it could just get away with it right?

As aggravating as these creatures are, it would be nice to be one of them. Being tiny enough to fly through the keyhole of the door. Perhaps I could even fly off to the Chief warden's office and suck his blood. I would aim for his neck. It would be nice to see him scratch his neck repeatedly.

These pesky little rats! They're everywhere! The little creatures scuttle around like it's their hood or something. I can hear their little squeaks of laughter. Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!

They may be little, but they have their freedom. I watch them crawling out of the cell through the small space under the door.

I wish I were as tiny as these things; I could walk in and out just like they do.

Sometimes, I hear footsteps behind the door, in the hallway, warders passing; inspecting the closure of every cell door. i like to hear the people walking outside the cell; it reminds me that I'm still alive.

I wish I were a warder. Oh what power he possesses. He has the power to unlock the door and set me free. I would set myself free if I were a warder.

I told you it may be a bit dramatic...okay, very dramatic and exaggerated.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
87 Reviews

Points: 6040
Reviews: 87

Donate
Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:55 pm
Starleene wrote a review...



Hey there!

Starleene here!

I wanted to review this piece because it sounded fun and I thought I would get a laugh out of it…I was right.

“ I'ts grimy walls, embellished with writings and drawings”

I’m sure I’m not needed to find the mistake in this sentence. It is quite apparent.

“The sound they make with their flapping wings is their most annoying feature.”

I wish I could hear the sound of a mosquito’s wings! Jealousy ;P

“These pesky little rats! They're everywhere! The little creatures scuttle around like it's their hood or something. I can hear their little squeaks of laughter. Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!”

I don’t know why but this is my favourite part! It makes me laugh just reading it. Very well written Abel! I have a rat infestation as well…sometimes I wish I could terminate them, but then I realize I’m like Cinderella and I have servants, albeit small servants, to do my work! Mwahah!

“Sometimes, I hear footsteps behind the door, in the hallway, warders passing; inspecting the closure of every cell door. i like to hear the people walking outside the cell; it reminds me that I'm still alive.”

Did you mean to say warders? Or warden? I think warden is more accurate. Capitalize the I as well.

“I wish I were a warder. Oh what power he possesses. He has the power to unlock the door and set me free. I would set myself free if I were a warder.”

Again, warder? Or warden?

I like it! I want to read more about your solitary confinement! It sounds rather entertaining! Good work!

Good Luck! Happy Writing!

Starleene Out.




abelgaiya says...


Hey, thanks for the review and for enjoying my piece.
Warder is how it's spelt in UK English. Since we use British English in my country, most of the spellings you'll see in my writing may not be correct [in your sight] because of our different vocabulary structures.



User avatar
197 Reviews

Points: 13932
Reviews: 197

Donate
Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:01 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Alright! I'm here to review!

This is the first day in solitary confinement. I have been given neither food nor water.


Ok I agree with alfred on this, this is not "day"s first day in solitary confinement, it is yours. :P So change it to "This is MY first day in solitary confinement.

The sound they make with their flapping wings is their most annoying feature.


You can actually hear mosquitoes flapping their wings? If so, you my dear sir are extraordinary! :P

So overall I really liked this, your sense of humor here is really amusing! It's a different style of writing from others, and somehow even as you're suffering you're able to make it seem exciting. I like how you view things in this, with sentences such as.

Rats, rats everywhere! The little creatures scuttle around like it's their hood or something. I can hear their little squeaks of laughter. Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!


This was really nice, funny too!

Overall it certainly was very dramatic, and probably exaggerated too. Makes me wonder if that's what really happened to you...Keep writing still! I've been enjoying your stories so far!




abelgaiya says...


Thanks Lycando :) I've also been enjoying your reviews so far!



User avatar
308 Reviews

Points: 25520
Reviews: 308

Donate
Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:18 am
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Abelgaiya! Salutations, good sir! I see you're being an advocate of solitude, eh? Anyways, Abel, let me hit you up with a very simple review about your writing style :)

This is the first day in solitary confinement. I have been given neither food nor water.

Okay, so one of the strangest thing I've found in this here piece is the above line. With it, you've stated that the first day was in the solitary confinement. You see my point? It was as if you're saying that the day is in the confinement and not you. I know the meaning of the line is obvious already, but it's still very confusing. So, maybe a change will do? Also, it would be better to finish it with a semi-colon because the next line (I have been given etc.) can make more impact if it's semi-connected with that one.

Oh how these mosquitoes annoy me!

I think this line breaks the fluidity of the piece. See, you've approached your readers with an emotional slow-mo kinda looking start, then you suddenly went to young Shakespeare mode and pointed out the mosquitos! how about going slower? Describe the confinement, what's in it. Mosquitos are okay, but describe, don't only say that they piss you off :) And also, the 'oh' part changes the tone of the piece to very dramatic from serious. It's okat to change every now and then, but be careful to not overdo the toning!

Sucking my blood anytime they get thirsty; like I'm their food storage.

This should be a continuation of the sentence before it, just use an exclamatory mark instead of a semi-colon. This would bring more action :) Hahaha!

Rats, rats everywhere!

I think entering this paragraph needs a better transition. See, you've just commented on the pesky insects, so stop for a while, share something else, then go to the rats. A better technique is mention the rats themselves in an out-of-the topic anecdote then slap the readers with remembering those pesky things! :)

Calling me names...mocking me. What the?! One just called me a sissy!

I really like this part :) It's kind of a big break from everything strange and ecstatic you've experienced :) It's very fun. So, with that being said, why not expand on this more? Tell us how they whisked you to craziness :) hahaha! I'm sure this can become one of the strengths of the piece.

Sometimes, I hear footsteps behind the door, in the hallway. Warders passing; inspecting the closure of every cell door.

The period between hallway and warders break the growing impact, try just a comma :)

I would set me free if I were a warder.

Use myself instead of me :)

FINAL WORDS: Dramatic? Well, yes, of course :) But it still has a lot of room for drama, so add them in! :) There are lots of things to recreate and revise, and I'm sure this will be a great piece, so if you've the time, check this out :)

Good luck writing and have a nice day!

Yours indefinitely,
Alf




abelgaiya says...


Thanks for the pointers. I'll apply them ASAP :)



abelgaiya says...


Thanks for the pointers. I'll apply them ASAP :)




cron
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway