Trapped

by abdullah786

Published September 1, 2012

In Thriller - 16

Where am I? that was the first thought that came to Sarah’s mind. There were chains all around her, tight chains which nearly strangled her. They covered every inch of her with the exception of her face. Big and silvery, every single chain link caused her more pain then she had ever imagined before. It was if they were biting her, nipping at her soft skin, pinching her tender areas. When she tried to move, she found that she was unable to do so; Sarah was trapped in three powerful ways: her unresponsive body, the painful chain and… well, of course, her surroundings.

From her limited scope of view, Sarah could guess that her container was nothing more than a dark box (this was a very loose estimation as the only factor which helped her to see whatever she could was the soft light illuminating the backdrop). Perhaps a dungeon or maybe a shipping container. Most probably the former, she thought as she smelled mixed up whiffs of urine, alcohol, sweat and blood. This place smells so gross… ew!

And then, there were things that she could feel on the back of her head. Wriggling, wiggling, jiggling things that moved with such slickness, such stickiness, such sliminess that Sarah felt like screaming and tearing them off of her neck. She felt a creature, probably an insect crawling over her hair and stopping just over her ear. Get away, you bastard! Sarah tried to scream but found it impossible to produce even a squeak. And to her horror, she felt a stinging sensation on her ear and desperately, she tried to roll over her back to, maybe, fling the insect off. But she couldn’t and all that she could do was to somehow ignore the pain.

How did I get into this hell hole? Think, Sarah, come on. For heaven’s sake, THINK! She shouted inside her head. And as she strained her mind, the latest memories hit her forcefully, like slabs of solidified hydrogen. Sarah and three of her colleagues had been trying to track down a potentially subliminal criminal at midnight when something had gone pretty wrong…

They had tracked the thug’s trail to some sort of a forest. Suddenly, the company had been ambushed and the last thing Sarah saw before she passed out was the death of the rest of her group. They had all been killed, but due to some reason, the attackers had left Sarah alive… was it a sexual one? Sure, she was the only woman in the small group that night and she was extremely cute. There wasn’t any other reason as valid.

And it’s a pretty damn insulting one, too.

The sound of a latch being unlocked and a door being opened was audible inside the whole room. Further, Sarah deciphered the familiar sound of leather boots on a metal floor. The footsteps were growing more audible with each step until they stopped, apparently, right beside Sarah’s head. A second later she felt a needle pierce into her neck and she blacked out uncomfortably, once again.

***

The beeping of an electric machine was the first sound that Sarah heard when she recovered her consciousness.

This time she was in a completely different room. Some place which looked oddly familiar. Had she been in there before? Of course! It was a hospital room! Who in the world couldn’t recognize the white walls, the smell methanol and beeping machines?

I am safe, Sarah thought contently. The satisfaction sustained until the door opened.

It was the criminal who had ambushed her. He was a man of mid-thirties, slim and oddly vampire-ish. If not for the black hair, she would have guessed him to be an albino; after all, his eyes were pale red and his skin was white. Lips bright red, crooked nose and high cheekbones… the thug looked like a vampire. But somehow, he was very different from the vampires in movies. This man was creature-like, something about him made him very creature-like.

“So, my dear, how’re we doing?” he asked coldly.

“You’re a whore!!” Sarah screamed back.

The man stood his silence for a moment and smiled. Then said, “Did you think that I will rape you? If you did, then you are so very wrong. There’re a lot of other… things which might be so beneficial. But don’t think it out. I’ll just do a little tempering with your insides…”

He paused, enjoying the fear on the girl’s face.

“Really, we’ll take care of everything and I’ll be done with you after I’m done removing some… oh well, you’ll know soon. Just wait till I get my scythe from the corridor outside.”

And then he was gone.

***

Sarah had been hypnotized under the man’s – vampire’s – red gaze, but now, she was more herself. Her hands were not bound, so that was some relief.

Now that I’m free, where the do I go? She asked herself.

And at that precise moment, the door opened and in came the local sheriff, Anders. Oh how much Sarah felt relieved!

“Thank God you’re hear! There’s this creature out there…”

The sheriff broke through her sentence by a simple finger to his lips, the universal sign for ‘silence’. When Sarah looked questioningly, he shook his head and opened the door behind him. Leaning behind, he called,

“Are you ready yet?”

Sarah was now getting a really bad feeling… it was kind of strange – that feeling. It was a sensation which you only get when your stomach spasms and churns up. And what came next, confirmed her doubts.

The door opened.

And in came the vampire-ish criminal. Sarah tried to warn the sheriff, but the latter grinned gravely. The truth dawned upon Sarah then, at that moment of truth: the ambush couldn’t have succeeded in the jungle unless there were at least two people who were in the dark. Moreover, the boots she had heard in that horrible room were not of the criminal – he was far too thin to produce such pounding footstep noises – they were of the sheriff himself.

Lazily, the vampire moved forward, and shove the scythe gently into her stomach. Reaching to her ears, he whispered, “You should never have tried to trace me… but, what can I say, everybody has to DIE!” He shouted the last word and twisted the dagger.

The next – the last – fifteen minutes of Sarah’s life were the haziest. But, at last, she finally tasted the sweet flavor of death.

THE END

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Jadefox
Review
Jadefox wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2012

First of all, this story is one of my worst nightmares. The feeling of not being able to scream when you try to, or trying to run and hide from somebody that is chasing you is the feeling I received from this story.
However, I did notice some tense slip-ups and other typos. such as "Lazily, the vampire moved forward and shove the scythe gently." Just check next time cause I have that same problem of going back and forth from tenses.
Also the descriptions about the chains were a little redundant. Otherwise, I was creeped out by the vampire guy. Great job on his descriptions.

-Jadefox

User avatar
Lauren2010
Review
Lauren2010 wrote a review Review · Sep 1, 2012

Hey there abullah! Lauren here for a review! :D

Nitpicks!

There were chains all around her, tight chains which nearly stranglinged her. They covered every inch of her with the exception of her face. Big and silvery, every single chain link caused her more pain then she had ever imagined before. It was if they were biting her, nipping at her soft skin, pinching her tender areas.

There's a lot of redundant chain description here, isn't there! I've gone ahead and crossed out quite a bit of the redundancies. I also reworded the second half of the first sentence, basically with the intention of cutting out the redundancy in "tight" (we understand they're tight as they are strangling her) and "chains" (since we know they're chains). I struck out most of the middle to get rid of description that didn't do much use (most people know what chains look like, and don't need them described in such detail) as well as the way the chains didn't cover her face (the majority of people wouldn't assume that anyone would have their face chained, so it's not something that needs to be pointed out). The one thing that would work well being fit back in somewhere is that she was in more pain than she ever was in her life.

Basically, the first paragraph just needed trimming down. When you're starting a story (and really when you're writing any part of a story, but especially at the start) you want to keep the writing as crisp and clear as possible. It's okay to take time to describe things, but when a reader knows what you're talking about/can already imagine it from experience it gets really tiring to read four lines of description about it. In this bit, the first line is essential for setting scene. The last line is incredibly lovely, and also gives us a bit of an emotional tie to the character as we understand how her pain feels and can put ourselves in her place.

Sarah was trapped in three powerful ways: her unresponsive body, the painful chain and… well, of course, her surroundings.

I don't think I quite understand the three powerful ways bit. Is her body unresponsive for a reason other than the powerful chains? What else has happened to her that we don't know? What is it about her surroundings that is keeping her trapped? (From the next line we know it's a dark dungeon/crate -- which are quite different in size, and I'd imagine she'd be able to tell by how much space she could take up in this place which is more likely).

Sarah and three of her colleagues had been trying to track down a potentially subliminal criminal at midnight when something had gone pretty wrong…

I'm no crime lingo expert, but I think "subliminal" isn't the word you want. Subliminal is like subliminal messaging (like messages hidden in songs/film that affect how a person thinks/acts without them knowing it).

And then he was gone.

***

Sarah had been hypnotized under the man’s – vampire’s – red gaze, but now, she was more herself. Her hands were not bound, so that was some relief.

Wait, what? Where is she now? How did she get out of the hospital place? Did the guy do anything with the Scythe? I thought she was valuable for something, but now she's been let go? (Even though she didn't actually get away, and the guy killed her, there are a lot of details left out here that leave a reader reeling and unsure of what's going on, which kicks them out of the story as they try to figure it out).

Plot
The one thing I really think this story is lacking is a strong plot. We have a basic plot line as it is - Sarah is trapped and killed - but why does it all happen? We get a very tell-y flashback about how she got there and what she was doing to get herself in this situation, but we don't have a very good indication of why the guy would kill her, how he has the sheriff on his side, what else this thug wants and why he's around in the first place.

Basically, we need a lot of fleshing out.

I would suggest adding several more scenes. Have scenes to show Sarah escaping/being freed from the hospital, her going to the sheriff to report this thug or whatever she's doing there, the sheriff acting sketchy, and the guy coming back to kill her. When Sarah flashes back to what happened before the start of the story, add actual full showing scenes of her talking with her partners, them beginning their investigation, trekking into the woods, running into the thug, and Sarah getting captured. This allows you time to explain what the thug is doing, what he wants, why he is killing people. It also allows more time for readers to feel attached to Sarah as a character. We also get to know what happened to her partners, and what went wrong to cause Sarah to lose them/be separated from them.

Conclusion
Other than that, I think you have a great start to an interesting story! Don't be afraid to fully explore some of these scenes and characters, and slow down to give it time to happen. When you hit all the points you need to, and have a connection to the characters/a motive for the killer/a reason for Sarah to be around/etc the story will be a much stronger one and one that can really draw an emotional response from a reader.

Great job and keep writing!

-Lauren-

Thanks. I was a bit depressed when I wrote this story, so I might have skipped some mistakes. About the descriptions, I like to add a poetic touch for the cosmetics. About the vague sentences, I'd say that they're self-explinatory. I mean, like I mentioned: she could not move, she could not even stir. The hospital part: she was in the hospital, she hadn't left it. The plot needs to be strengthened, but then the real thing that I wanted to focus on, was the helplessness, the suspense of the situation..
But anyways, I'll try to improve :)



“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken