The Insect

by abdullah786

Published August 21, 2012

In Thriller - 16

PreviousNext

It was a dank, dark summer night of June in the well-populated, yet isolated, city. You could say that it was a summer night by looking at the calendar, but really, the people out on the streets and the families hidden inside even the cozy premises of their homes, thought much differently. In reality, it was a night which demanded something strange, something… spooky.

Completely unaware of the situation, a car sped through the wide streets, enclosing a trio of crazy teenagers. The car was a station wagon with a plush interior and a modern stereo system which allowed the music to blare out of the speakers. And amazingly, the atmosphere inside the car was well-contained. That was, until the driver, Salem, noticed a dull chill coming from the air-conditioner. Unlike the cool air which had been coming from the system, this new emission was certainly a lot more uncomfortable;  it made him shiver violently. But for the time being, he shook the feeling off, not even giving a real second thought about it. Sometimes it is easy to forget about things you don’t understand.

“Hey, pop another soda!” Salem cried out to Gwen.

“You’re gonna die of those pops you keep popping in your mouth!!” Gwen replied and shrieked with laughter,

it was obvious: she was almost drunk.

“Give it already!!”

“Here ya go – ” And reaching out towards Salem, she clumsily emptied the can over his shorts, making Salem blush violently. But unfortunately, he was too drunk to move carefully and failed to do anything other than to sink even lower in his own composure.

“What the hell’s going on?” Tosh enquired, looking over his shoulder. They were causing too much mess, and Tosh seriously doubted that his father would ever give him permission to take out his wagon again.

“Nothing, baby. Everything’s alright. I haven’t gotten drunk, neither has Salem pissed in his pants - ”

“What!?” Tosh cried out.

“There’s no need to be upset. He’s gonna clean up real quick…” Gwen broke off.

And before long, it was awfully quite in the vehicle. It was a queer silence; the silence experienced when a predator has killed his prey, the quiet when a strange thing is gonna happen –

A shriek split the long-woven, dreadful sort of peace and Tosh jerked involuntarily as he was struck by the suddenness of the sound. He whipped his head around for a second and saw Gwen still screaming, looking at Salem.

“What the…” Tosh silently cursed and then pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road. When the car was parked – however shabbily – he plucked out his seat belt and went over to the screaming girl.

“What’s going on?” he asked her loudly but she just stared at Salem. He followed her gaze and gave a cold gasp.

“Holy cow. Oh my God…”

There was a huge, red and purple insect, a caterpillar, with a diameter as thick as Tosh’s wrist. Its length could not be deciphered since it had gone into Salem’s mouth! But what was visible were its body and the constantly flowing red liquid, gushing from the poor boy’s mouth. The sight was a brutal one, a bloody one.

The caterpillar’s hide was covered with spiky thorns and they kept cutting into Salem’s stretched lips as it kept moving in. It was gruesomely grotesque. However, the blood gave Tosh one piece of information: the insect hadn’t penetrated into Salem’s mouth fully, and that there was hope that the boy could be rescued.

“Hey, Gwen stop screaming!” Tosh shouted, silencing her briefly. “Look, there is something we can do right now and I’m pretty sure that we’ll succeed and that Salem would live. But, give me some ideas…” the boy trailed off, feeling as if he was about to ram his head into a wall or something because his mind had suddenly gone blank.

“We could pull it out,” Gwen suggested shakily.

“Yeah let’s do that… on one, two, three, GO!!”

The two teenagers tugged at the strange creature. The skin was smooth, slimy and cold. It was strangely evil; arrogant exotic radiated from the sticky hide the same way as a fragrance drifts from a perfume.

A strange ‘POP!’ sound emitted from the creature and the spikes on the creature shot out, the teenagers screamed and they turned away their heads momentarily. When they turned their heads back…

Well, it was quite an unpleasant site. The impact of the spikes had literally blown Salem’s head away. His upper jaw had been completely blown off, leaving behind – other than all the blood – his lower jaw and a wriggling tongue. There was also a whitish stump visible at the far end of Salem’s remaining head. Perhaps, the spine?

Tosh backed away and tripped over a can of soda. He was about to throw it away when his eyes caught a strange image. The image looked horribly familiar; it was the picture of that horrible insect, the one which had killed – blown – Salem so grotesquely that Tosh was sure that he would never enjoy a normal night’s sleep again.

“Where did you get this from?” he asked hurriedly.

“From a medical store. They said that it’s soda and it blows your mind!”

Well, they got one thing right, Tosh thought. “But wait, didn’t they tell you about the picture?”

“Uh. They did say something about it, I guess… I didn’t wanna get caught buying booze in a drug store!” Gwen replied defensively.

“You were drunk, right (how the hell would she buy alcohol from a medical store!)?”

“Um, I guess so… anyways, they told me that the drink might have weird side effects. And they also told me to drink it when I really wanted it… I did just what they said… ha ha ha…” she answered sloppily.

“Oh no… Goddamn it! These are the new meds introduced by the doctors as a cure to some accursed disease. Damn…”

“Well, does it mean… that we’re both gonna die… like him?”

“We might, if we don’t rush to a hospital - ,”

“Too late… there’s something growing out of your mouth…”

“NOOOOO!!”

Comments & reviews · 2
FlyMyButterfly wrote a review Review · Aug 22, 2012

Watch out for overused words in your story such as...
-could ... remove about 1 occurance
-it/there ... remove about 15 occurances
-that ... remove about 6 occurances
& -was/were ... remove about 16 occurances

Your average sentence length is 9.8. Break up the following sentences that include more than 30 words for perfect sentence variation.
1. You could say that it was a summer night by looking at the calendar, but really, the people out on the streets and the families hidden inside even the cozy premises of their homes, thought much differently.
2. it was the picture of that horrible insect, the one which had killed – blown – Salem so grotesquely that Tosh was sure that he would never enjoy a normal night’s sleep again.
3. But, give me some ideas…” the boy trailed off, feeling as if he was about to ram his head into a wall or something because his mind had suddenly gone blank.

There were no redundancies in your story, but you may want to think about removing the following cliches...
-look over your shoulder
-blow your mind
-holy cow

The following words should be removed for they are too vague...
-about
-it was
-would
-even
-it is
-cold
-quite
-really
-also
-some

Avoid using prepositions at the end of your sentences such as...
-on
-from
-in
-off

Your spelling consistency as well as your capitalisation consistency is perfect. Very well done. I would have liked to read more. Keep up the good work! :)

Random avatar
abdullah786
Review
abdullah786 wrote a review Review · Aug 21, 2012



When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind