Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
One of the monsters rapped it's dirty hands around my hair yanking me back as I screamed in pain. A split second later the pain had decreased slightly. I looked behind me and there was a man holding the monster in his arms and stabbing a blade through it's eye socket. He dropped it and grabbed another one. It was like he was working on a factory line. He would kill one then there would be another that he would have to kill. And he wouldn't blink or hesitate, he would just do it. I knelt there baffled that this stranger was saving me, but he wasn't the only one. Every so often an arrow would fly through the air and stick in the head of a corpse. Along with the arrows there were bullets, knifes, bats, and sometimes fists.
I looked at these men in awe. In a few minutes the killing had subsided and there were bodies scattered around me like a graveyard. I took in a slow breath and stood up, picking up my sword and my empty gun and sliding my weapons back into there rightful place. I peered up with furrowed brows and saw the smiling man hold out a bloody hand. With one eyebrow cocked I looked at his hand. He looked down and chuckled, wiping away the blood. He stuck his hand back out and I shook it.
“Thank you.” It came out quiet and gruff.
“No problem, what's the name?” He asked.
“Please don't take this the wrong way but I don't do...this. Thank you for saving me but I really have to go.” I responded.
“Where do you have to go? We could give you a ride. We have cars." He seemed so happy to be talking to me.
“No thank you.” I started to walk away and I sensed his eyes following me then foots steps came after me. I rolled my eyes.
“You know-”
“I don't know what you exactly want but I can't do anything for you for saving me. I owe you one but there is nothing I could give you. Here have my empty gun if you'll leave me alone.” I sternly interrupted him, holding out my gun. He lost his smile for a second then it returned right back where it started.
“I don't want your gun I want you.” I tightened my jaw and put a hand on my sword.
“What?” he shook his head.
“No I didn't mean that I meant I want you to come back with us. We have a camp a couple miles away and we could use more help.” I relaxed a bit and glared.
“Why me? I'm small... frail and wouldn't be of any use.”
“You held you own with that big group of munchers.”
“Until I gave up.”
“Like I said it was a big group of them.”
“I don't think-”
“You could pay us back in that way. Coming back with us. You don't even have to stay, just come and check it out. If you don't like it I will personally drive you back here myself.” I thought it over for a second and reluctantly agreed to go with them. They lead me to their truck and I hopped into the bed and the rest took the other seats except the happy guy. He hopped in the back with me. I sighed.
“There are no more seats in the truck.” I didn't say anything as they drove away. I looked back at the street, so close to where I was going. A couple of minutes went by and the silence was broken. “So do I get a name yet?” he smirked and I looked at the pavement I was speeding past.
“Z.” he didn't say anything right away.
“Z?”
“Yup.”
“Cool, I'm Doyle” I laughed and rolled my eyes.
“Perfect..” he looked at me confused.
“What's perfect?” I shook my head.
“That name... I used to love that name.” I smiled falsely and looked back at the passing scenery. We arrived at their camp and he hopped out of the bed and held out a hand for me. I ignored it and jumped out on my own and walked straight into the camp. He pretended that it didn't happen and one of the other men whisper “rejected.” I chuckled silently to myself and continued to walk through. Stares of distrust followed me as I continued on my journey to find leader of the camp. I saw a man talking with a couple of other men. They went on there way when he pointed in the distance. I figured he was the best option at this point. I walked up with arms folded and an annoyed expression painted on my face. He looked down at me and cocked an eyebrow.
“Uh...who are you?”
“This is Z.” I heard Doyle's voice happily introduce me.
“U huh and why is she standing in front of me?”
“Because we need more people and she is something we might need.”
“Doyle when I meant we needed more people I meant big men not little girls.” I took the insult with a nodded and spun around and got a few footsteps away when Doyle grabbed my shoulders and turned me around.
“She's not a little girl, how old are you?” I looked up and him.
“16.”
“See not a little girl just a teenage girl.” He smiled hopefully. “Can we keep her?”
“I'm not a stray cat you find on the side of the road. Okay? And who says I wanna stay anyway huh?” I scoffed.
“Do you want to?” Doyle asked with sadness in his voice. His suddenly sad face made me want to stay.
“I don't know.” he nodded and the leader spoke.
“What can you do?” I thought about it for a second and remembered my old job from a previous camp.
“I used to be run team. Run team if you were wondering is a team of people who run out to the city and gather supplies and do other tasks relating to the city. I was fast, quite, and could fit into cramped spaces.” the leader nodded and gave Doyle an approving look.
“She may stay if she likes.” Doyle gasped and gave me a joyful stare.
“I will under one condition, I was searching for someone when your group stopped me and saved me. If I could continue to search for that person I'll stay.” the leader thought about it and nodded.
“fine.”
“Thank you sir.” He gave me another nod.
“Doyle will lead you to your tent.” Doyle smiled and marched away joyfully. I rolled my eyes for the filth time that day and followed him.
End of chapter
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140,377 Literary Works • 673,127 Reviews
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I enjoyed reading this; it was a manageable length to read and review and I really liked the introduction of some new characters. I like Doyle, he’s very sweet, although I found his incessant happiness a little hard to believe, seeing as he’s living in a world filled with zombies and runs the risk of being killed every day.
All the action was over in the first paragraph, which also felt very long compared with later paragraphs. Maybe you could split this opening paragraph into three or four paragraphs, so it’s easier to read? Also, the fight sequence felt a little brief, like you were more interested in the later bit of the chapter and so were trying to get the action over and done with as soon as possible. Perhaps you could indicate what Z is thinking? Does she try to help, does she try and crawl to safety, or does she sit frozen and unable to move?
Your dialogue felt a bit confused. I can never really tell who’s speaking, whether it’s Z, Doyle, or someone else. For example:
I assumed that Doyle was speaking first, but the way you format your dialogue makes it difficult to understand. In order to really clarify who is speaking, you should put the action on a different line from the dialogue (such as when Doyle says “What’s perfect?” you should really put Z shaking her head in the next paragraph, otherwise it makes it look as if she’s just spoken) You also need to remember to put the appropriate punctuation at the end of dialogue; take a look at this article for more detail.
I also got very confused by Z’s reaction to having been saved from a load of zombies. In the last chapter things were looking pretty desperate and she seemed ready to accept her fate. If she’s been on her own, she probably hasn’t had much human contact, and all of a sudden these guys have appeared out of nowhere. Now she’s laughing, joking around and rolling her eyes – surprisingly at ease given the circumstances. She’s clearly tough, but I’d have thought she’d have been a little more shaken by the incident, or nervous around these men, otherwise it seems a bit unrealistic. Even tough people have moments of weakness, and weaknesses are what makes characters likeable. I found it quite annoying the way she constantly rolls her eyes as if nothing has happened!
You had a few typos in places, such as “filth time” (should be “fifth time”) and “I was fast, quite” which should be “fast, quiet.” However, the story itself is good, and it’s really just the way it’s formatted that lets it down a bit, so you might want to take a look at that. Sorry this took me until review day to write a review for, but feel free to notify me when future chapters are up and I will read and review them much sooner!
Thanks so much for the review and I'll make sure to fix all of the corrections and I'm not so good at the emotional part of story telling so I'll be more cautious with all of that stuff. Thanks
Hi! You're really new, aren't you... WELCOME TO YWS!
happy writing! ~Satira
i'm just going to jump right into it...
You say pain twice in two sentences. And it makes me feel like the pain isn't real, that it isn't lasting. in one moment the pain is there. Then, the pain is gone.
a guy says something 'scruffly'. that is not a word. Perhaps you meant 'gruff', not scruff.
By the way, why is your character shaking hands with someone 'after all the killing?' isn't there some early-onset PTSD going on here? because it seems like a very stressful setting.
I like Doyle. I especially like when he says 'can we keep her?" It gives a very cute glimpse into the guy's personality. But to describe him, you use the word 'joyful' way too many times, and often in the wrong places. Ok, we can see he's perky and optimistic, but you don't have to keep reminding us of how happy he is. We get it.
WHY IS HE JOYFUL AFTER A BUNCH OF PEOPLE GOT KILLED?! ISN'T KILLING PEOPLE A LITTLE SOBERING?!?!?!
at least just a little bit?
sorry. I feel like I'm ripping apart a dream every time I review a story. I feel disgusting. I feel like a monster. Honestly, I like your story, and I like Doyle's joyfulness, and I'd like to see what becomes of them.
Haha yeah it's fine you made me laugh so all is good. yes I did me gruff typos oh how I hate them. Your right I am very repetitive in my writing and I'm working on it but the more I get attention from it the faster I will learn.
With the shaking of hands thing, she has been living in the apocalypse for about a year on her own and living in it in general for two years. So for her the killing of the zombies is very normal thing at this point. I will get more into detail about her mental problems later.
Doyle is very happy and I do put it in there a lot and I'll change up the words a bit. And it was a whole lot of zombies that got killed not people. But I'll try to make it more clear if it will help. thanks so much for the review tho.