So I wrote this based off of a song I will put a link up in the second part of this story. So here we go.
“Mathew do you really think he’s going to be okay? He’s only twelve years old.”
“Jessica he’ll be fine. He has a phone, he has the computer, he has the neighbors next door. And it’s late enough for him to be asleep so he’ll stay asleep and I asked my mother to call him in an hour.” the man announced in a half hushed voice. There was faint rustling and grunts for a moment then the woman piped up again.
“Fine, but only this once because the babysitter. This won’t be a regular thing.”
“Okay I totally agree.”
“I’m going to check on him.” There was footsteps but they stopped abruptly.
“No, I checked just a couple minutes ago he’s asleep. We don’t want to wake him.”
“How is your mother going to know if he’s okay if he’s asleep?”
“We both know my mom she’s probably going to drop by even though I just asked her to call.” There was a sigh and then two sets of footsteps that faded until there was a slamming of a front door. The boy slowly pulled his covers off his body and checked the dark room. The only source of light was coming from the cracked door the coast was clear so he swung a foot over and stepped out of bed with ease. In two minutes the house was checked, windows and doors locked, and no adult in sight.A devious smile upon his lips as he made his way over to a potted plant in the corner of the room. It was fake of course because his mother couldn’t keep plants alive if her life depended on it.
He lifted the plant to reveal a bag of potato chips and two 16 oz sodas hiding at the bottom. He wasn’t allowed things like this because it was bad for him but he had his ways of obtaining his sugaring and fatty treats. Manly his best friend Roy smuggling them to him at school. He grabbed the TV remote off the coffee table before plopping down on the sofa comfortably. The screen clicked on and then he flipped through until he came to the only channel he cared about, the late night horror channel.
George was the biggest horror buff imaginable. He loved everything from slashers to his favorite genre zombies. He and his friends speculated he loved horror because his parents opposed them so much. He sometimes felt bad about watching them but he regained his carefree attitude towards it when he remembered he could be doing worse things than watching gory movies.
The sheer screams that came from the tv filled the living room and kitchen and almost drained out every other sound but one. He turned his head slightly towards the door to make sure it wasn’t his imagination. Knock knock. That was for sure someone at the door. He didn’t know if he should answer it or leave it. What if it was grandma here earlier than expected and she was going to scold him for being up. The fear of being in trouble prompted him to pause his show and go to the beckoning door. His fingers wrapped around the lock but then a thought stopped his actions. What if it wasn’t grandma. His tip toes strained to lift him to the peephole to see the perp at his door. Expecting an angry grandma but getting a young girl puzzled him needless to say. The girl must have been his age at least, her dark locks swayed at she raised her hand and repeated her previous actions. Knock knock. She turned her head up slightly but her black nags covered where her eyes should be. Her lips curved in a smile as she uttered the words gracefully. “Ding dong.”
The words hit him in a weird way. They came from a normal girl but felt as if something out of his movies were speaking to him. The feeling was was made him move from the door. The strange girl must have sensed this because she spoke again.
“Ding dong, let me in. Please I just want to play a little.” At this George was acrossed the room. This had to be a prank by Roy and it wasn’t funny. Roy knew he would be alone to night so he must of sent his sister in a wig or something to scare him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and began dialing his friends number. It rang and picked up, a sleepy voice answered.
“Yes?” the voice trailed at the end. He was awake doing something but his mind wanted to be sleeping.
“Haha Roy you’re hilarious.” He groaned into the speaker.
“Yeah man I know but why?” George laughed flatly and made his way to the window.
“Really sending your sister in a black wig to scare me. You’re going ot have to do better than that.” he lifted the curtain and peeked outside. He searched the lawn with his eyes until he reached the porch. The girl was still standing at the door. She hadn’t moved.
“Bro what are you talking about Lily is sleeping.” Roy responded with clicking of a controller the background. He froze in place and examined the girl closer. He refused to believe it wasn’t Lily.
“Dude I’m looking right at her.” George said fear rising in his throat. A smile appeared on the girl's face, her head rolled on her shoulders until her eyes met with his. The phone dropped from his hand but it still spoke. “Yeah no she’s here. George? Hey are you there?” could be faintly heard from the ground. George was sadly not there, he as lost in the darkness of the eyes. They were black and seemed so hollow of life. This was no joke and now she knew he was there. The curtain dropped and so did he. His fingers pressed against the plastic as he eagerly spoke.
“Roy someone is at my door. She’s really scaring me and I don’t know what to do. She saw me man. She saw me!” He whispered out of breath. The silence said it all. The call had dropped. Or was hung up. He tried several times to try to reach his friend or his mother, but every call dropped. He was about to call 911 when knock knock.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there Zee6 Edelweiss here for a review! I am not a horror fan at all, I didn't even realize this was a horror short until I got to the end. Oddly enough I acutely like it! It's a classic horror situation, and the "knock knocks" were really very haunting!
Anyway, there were a few grammar mistakes here and there, I would recommend to slow down and review the whole story throughly. For example in the third paragraph;
“Jessica he’ll be fine. He has a phone, he has the computer, he has the neighbors next door. And it’s late enough for him to be asleep so he’ll stay asleep and I asked my mother to call him in an hour.” the man announced in a half hushed voice. There was faint rustling and grunts for a moment then the woman piped up again.
the man announced... The should be capitalized. The sentence "There was faint rustling and grunts for a moment then the woman piped up again."
This sentence was confusing, where were the rustling and grunts coming from? Instead maybe you could put;
"Faint rustles and grunts were heard from George's room for a moment, the woman piped up again..."
"A devious smile upon his lips as he made his way over to a potted plant in the corner of the room." Instead I think it should be-
"A devious smile rose upon his lips..."
Overall I really enjoyed the suspense, and I think this will be a wonderful short with a little more work. Great job and keep it up!
-Edelweiss_
Thank you so much! Yeah I'll really work on this next time
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
It would read better if you replaced the last comma with an "and".Grammar and Punctuation
There should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.
This sentence is quite confusing. Maybe take out the two "was:
I think you meant to write
there should be a comma between "night" and "so". You should also take out the "of" and replace it with "have.
"friends" should have a comma between the "d" and the "s".
the "ot" is spelled the wrong way around.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: The plot to this story so far sounds like that of an basic horror story. The main character is watching a horror move at home along and a knock sounds on the door. The character goes to see who it is and sees that it's a strange. The main character think his\her friend is playing a prank and then finds out they aren't. This basically the plot so far. I don't read a lot of horror so this is fun for me to read, but it's still a cliched plot.
The way you deliver it however is great. I could literally feel my heart rate going up You described the character's fear really well and also described the girl really well.
I also thought that the title was quite creative and had an interesting link into the story.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thank you so much for the review and your right about the grammar mistakes I'm just a terrible reviser.