My eyes are open, and I'm hungry.This is the way I entered the world and how I lead my life. At first craving the touch and feel of my mother, and even her heart beat and milk.Then through out the years wanting so much more; the hungry for more growing stronger.The need for love, affection, wealth, a great future and even the simplest of things like food and shelter.
As I grew I gained these things I wanted and was happy until one day.Walking along the street the screams of terror overwhelmed me. As I wondered about the commotion I peeked around street corners to find the dead walking among us.
As the fear of death took hold of my mind I ran and yelled but they caught up.One grabbed me from behind and threw me back, It grasping my hair and face as it bit down; it's teeth sinking onto the soft flesh that covered my neck. Pain shot through me as I tried to fight the thing off. Its dull blue and yellow eyes flashing nothing but pure hungry at me. A man ran to the rescue and beat the thing off then he pulled me into a store. He knelt and grasped my hand as I lay dying. My life drained from the wound.
I wondered about the white light I was seeing. Was it heaven or was my vision failing and starting to fade out. As the light grew brighter and the hand that held my grew tighter I thought slowly. My death was ironic. I was going to die in the way I was brought into this world. I drew my last breath and closed my eyes but not for the last time.
My eyes are open, and I'm hungry.
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140,377 Literary Works • 673,127 Reviews
I think this short is quite a good one. This story is not really closely related to zombies, but to how a human being look at his or her goals in life. (Well... at least that is the way I read it...
)
Like what Labrador said you should probably use 'my' instead of 'the' in the first and the last sentence. And I do notice some typing mistakes, but they could be easily fixed.
I like the idea that you compared human's greed to gain things in their life with the desire of zombies to kill. This is in fact quite a thoughtful one, and I like it very much. (though your intention might not be it...)
What I like most is how you start and how you end with the same sentence. You twisted the ending to make it ironic enough, just as your title suggested. Here are some suggestions that might strengthen this effect.
<quote> The eyes are open, and I'm hungry.This is the way I entered the world and it's the way I lead my life. At first craving the touch and feel of my mother, her heart beat and milk.Then through out the years wanting so much more; the hungry for more growing stronger.The need for love, affection, wealth, a great future and even the simplest of things like food and shelter. </quote>
You could use one-sentence paragraphs to highlight the focus of your whole story, like this:
<quote>
My eyes are open, and I'm hungry.
This is the way I entered the world, and it's the way I lead my life.
At first craving the touch and feel of my mother, her heart beat and milk....</quote>
In the ending you may choose to describe 'your' eyes more, like 'staring defiantly' or whatsoever, but I think it might bring a good touch to the subtle hint of your ending.
The middle paragraphs might need more details, but overall this is a good story. Keep writing!
Hey.
I'm going to review your story.
For a short story, it's too short. However, the theme is clear, the ideas are apparent, and the plots are defined.
"The eyes..." should be replaced with "My eyes..." since it won't confused the readers as to whose eyes it is referring. "This is the way I entered the world and it's the way I lead my life" has redundancy in it, so you can cut out "it's the way" to make out "This is the way I entered the world and led my life". Short and precise. "At first craving the touch and feel of my mother, her heart beat and milk" should be inserted with "I" to make it clearer. "At first I craved the touch or feeling of my mother - her heartbeat and milk" should make it. After that, you can do without the "I". "Then through out the years wanting so much more; the hungry for more growing stronger." Make it short and precise, such as "Wanting so much more after years that come - the hunger grew." (this one is a bit hard to nitpick, since "wanting so much more" has similar meaning to "hungry for more growing stronger").
To sum it up, you need to recheck your paragraphs, sentences, phrases, clauses, and words. What can be made shorter, made it shorter. Don't make it long just for the sake of making your sentence look better.
Okay cool thanks for the review and I wasn't really sure where to put this because I originally that it was a poem then I wasn't so sure so I tried to make it a little less like a poem but I think I'll fix I up a little and turn it back.
I usually don't like the whole zombie type of fiction because there really isn't much to elaborate on that no one else has done. This short was actually very appealing to me.
I liked how you give little to read, but with so much detail that you could eventually use if you decide to write more.
The zombie perspective isn't used as much as the human fighting for it's life point of view. Very interesting.
Thank you.