z

Young Writers Society


12+

Ding Dong Part 2

by Zee6


Here is the link for the song it's in the comments. I recommend listen after you finish the story.

Out of instinct he screamed. “Go away the police are on there way!” After the words left his mouth he regretted saying this because the girl was unaffected by his threat.

“I can see your fear, but I want to see it closer.” Her voice was clear and loud, but she wasn’t yelling it was just loud. He scrambled behind his couch and got into a ball facing towards his kitchen. She sounded like she just walked out of the movie he was watching. The next time she spoke it sounded clearer. Soft tapping on the window came in between her ding dongs. Her silhouette filled the window and he ran. He jumped through his doorway and slammed the door. He logged onto his computer and went to Google. He heard somewhere that you could contact the authorities on the internet. He typed it in quickly but was devastated when the screen came on with a “not connected” sign. His hands dropped and he heard footsteps. They were small sounding but had a faint resemblance to when his mother wore heels.

“You are very bad at hiding. This game we're playing is almost over. It hasn’t lasted long you know.” She announced in a sing song tone. He jumped from his chair and locked his door then rested his weight against it.

“We’re not playing any game! How did you get in?” He yelled at the door. A shadow came under the door along with a sweet giggle.

“I’ll get in, no need for permission. There are no rules in this game.” She waited for a response but he just shook. His arms, legs, hands shook without permission. Tears began strolling down his face when she spoke again. “You know i’m going to win there is no point in hiding...Romero.”

His mouth dropped and a fearful gasps erupted from him. No one knew that nickname but Roy. he had given the name after they found the great director George A. Romero. He was a famous horror director and George had the great honor of sharing his name with the god of horror. His parents couldn’t find out about the name and kids at school wouldn’t understand. It was his and Roy's thing. His mind blanked and went back to the thought of Roy being behind this. It was the only explanation...but why would he scare him so much. The girly voice began humming and the knock shook with such a force he thought it might break. The humming turned into a little song.

“Ding dong Romero, where are you? I’m going to find you and win this game. La la la.” the door itself began to shake but the song wasn’t being muffled by the sound. If anything it was louder and clear than anything else, including his sobs. He feet scrambled to the closet and it shut as softly as he could manage.

“Ding dong I can hear you crying, There isn’t any point your mommys not coming to find you. I can hear your breathing.” He stopped his breath and the song stopped almost as if it were on pause.The door creaked and she entered with heavy steps. She hummed and the song continued. “I wonder If you’re under the bed, nope not there either.” she hummed and spoke the rhythm with the words “There’s really only one place you must be.” Her fingers tapped the song on the closet door and it opened with swing and a woosh. “I win your-”

His scream could match up with any girl in any slasher at the moment his eyes burst open. He sobbed and tried to catch his breath. The room was silent except for the faint voices on the TV. he sat up fully and realized he was alone .No girl and no song. The room filled with an eerie silence he jumped to his feet and rushed to the door. His socks slid and he rammed into the hardwood. His fingers fumbled but eventually got the door unlocked and open. He jumped off his porch onto wet cold grass. His eyes peered into his dark house and no one emerged from the black emptiness. After several minutes of coxing himself he march into his home and slammed the door after him. His foot raised to take a step cold fingers wrapped around his torso.

“It”  


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
524 Reviews


Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

Donate
Sun Jul 31, 2016 12:00 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

He jumped from his chair and locked his door then rested his weight against it.
The “then” in this sentence messes up the flow. Maybe write it
He jumped from his chair and locked his door, resting his weight against it.
or
He jumped from his chair and locked his door, throwing his weight against it.

His scream could match up with any girl in any slasher at the moment his eyes burst open.
I think you should reword this sentence. It was a quite awkward to read and didn’t make much sense.
The room filled with an eerie silence he jumped to his feet and rushed to the door. His socks slid and he rammed into the hardwood. His fingers fumbled but eventually got the door unlocked and open. He jumped off his porch onto wet cold grass.
I think you could expand upon this. Wasn’t he dreading the sound of her song drifting through the air at any given second. Just expand a bit on it so that you give me a bigger feeling of safe. This will make the end more impactful. :D
His foot raised to take a step cold fingers wrapped around his torso.
“It”
You can’t just end it!!!!!! :D Okay seriously now. What does “It” mean? I was a bit confused with that. 

Grammar and Punctuation

“Go away the police are on there way!”
Okay so two things here. There should be an explanation mark are full stop between “away” and “the”. The other thing is “there” should be spelled “their”.
There are a few places in this chapter where you’re missing commas and full stops. I’d recommend a quick read through to spot these errors. :D

Overall thoughts
Story plot: Okay so this part was way more scare then the first part. I have so many questions that I hope you’ll answer. Does this girl have a connection to Roy and how did she know about George’s nickname? Why does this girl decided to haunt him and what happened in the end? I hope that either you’ll write a third piece or could tell my in the comment section below. That is if you know the answers to the questions. :D

Characters: So I already know that George is scared by the time I begin this chapter, but wow near the end of the chapter, he’s practically screaming like a girl. The one thing that I didn’t like was the fact that he went back into the house. I mean didn’t he think it would have been safer to just stay outside? I don’t think anything more dangerous could have been out there. I’m just saying that I think he goes into the house way to confidently. I think on the whole you need to expand on the end. It feel a bit rushed compered to the rest of the story. :D
Description: On the whole, I thought you had plenty of description. I really liked the bit about the door. You described the sing song voice behind it and then the banging on the door wonderfully. The only bit I think needs some more description would be the last paragraph.

Title: I thought that this was a very interesting title and related to the story. It’s something that will draw the readers to want to look at your story. The way it connects to the story is great to. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




Zee6 says...


Thanks so much for the review! Yeah I agree that the end is a little rushed. The reason I have him go back into the house was that he almost assumed he imagined it all and it was a dream. You know he was watching scary movies to there is a connection. I didn't say that in the story so I see the confusion.

Um well She is whatever you think she is whether it be a demon, ghost, psychopath it's whatever you imagine. That goes for motive and what happens to little George. The entity does not know Roy. I imagined her some kind of demon so she would be able to watch over George with demon-y power I guess you could say. :) That's why she knows his nickname. yeah hope this clears anything up and thanks all again.



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 970
Reviews: 48

Donate
Thu Jun 30, 2016 5:31 pm
Edelweiss says...



Hey there again Zee6! Edelweiss here for another review,
The second part is by far more frighting than the first. It makes the reader ask. Who is the girl? What does she want? Why is she haunting George? I hope you wright a part three for those particular questions!
Anyway, there are a few grammar and typos here and there, those are alway easy fixes! The ending was the most perplexing. Why does the girl disappear right after she finds George? Than reappear when he comes back inside? Than the last word "It" there is no punctuation after it.
Overall I again really enjoyed your horror short, keep up the great job, and I hope to see more of your works in the near future!

-Edelweiss-




User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 970
Reviews: 48

Donate
Thu Jun 30, 2016 5:31 pm
Edelweiss wrote a review...



Hey there again Zee6! Edelweiss here for another review,
The second part is by far more frighting than the first. It makes the reader ask. Who is the girl? What does she want? Why is she haunting George? I hope you wright a part three for those particular questions!
Anyway, there are a few grammar and typos here and there, those are alway easy fixes! The ending was the most perplexing. Why does the girl disappear right after she finds George? Than reappear when he comes back inside? Than the last word "It" there is no punctuation after it.
Overall I again really enjoyed your horror short, keep up the great job, and I hope to see more of your works in the near future!

-Edelweiss-




Zee6 says...


Thank you for the second review it helps a lot




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket