Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Nit-picks
The “then” in this sentence messes up the flow. Maybe write itHe jumped from his chair and locked his door then rested his weight against it.
orHe jumped from his chair and locked his door, resting his weight against it.
He jumped from his chair and locked his door, throwing his weight against it.
I think you should reword this sentence. It was a quite awkward to read and didn’t make much sense.His scream could match up with any girl in any slasher at the moment his eyes burst open.
I think you could expand upon this. Wasn’t he dreading the sound of her song drifting through the air at any given second. Just expand a bit on it so that you give me a bigger feeling of safe. This will make the end more impactful.The room filled with an eerie silence he jumped to his feet and rushed to the door. His socks slid and he rammed into the hardwood. His fingers fumbled but eventually got the door unlocked and open. He jumped off his porch onto wet cold grass.
You can’t just end it!!!!!! Okay seriously now. What does “It” mean? I was a bit confused with that.His foot raised to take a step cold fingers wrapped around his torso.
“It”
Grammar and Punctuation
Okay so two things here. There should be an explanation mark are full stop between “away” and “the”. The other thing is “there” should be spelled “their”.“Go away the police are on there way!”
There are a few places in this chapter where you’re missing commas and full stops. I’d recommend a quick read through to spot these errors.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: Okay so this part was way more scare then the first part. I have so many questions that I hope you’ll answer. Does this girl have a connection to Roy and how did she know about George’s nickname? Why does this girl decided to haunt him and what happened in the end? I hope that either you’ll write a third piece or could tell my in the comment section below. That is if you know the answers to the questions.
Characters: So I already know that George is scared by the time I begin this chapter, but wow near the end of the chapter, he’s practically screaming like a girl. The one thing that I didn’t like was the fact that he went back into the house. I mean didn’t he think it would have been safer to just stay outside? I don’t think anything more dangerous could have been out there. I’m just saying that I think he goes into the house way to confidently. I think on the whole you need to expand on the end. It feel a bit rushed compered to the rest of the story.
Description: On the whole, I thought you had plenty of description. I really liked the bit about the door. You described the sing song voice behind it and then the banging on the door wonderfully. The only bit I think needs some more description would be the last paragraph.
Title: I thought that this was a very interesting title and related to the story. It’s something that will draw the readers to want to look at your story. The way it connects to the story is great to.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Points: 7146
Reviews: 524
Donate