Young Writers Society

I bloody love that you paint your town with metaphors and images. Very Emily Dickinson; feels like the truth slant, and slant truths often do us the favor of kicking the feet out from under our blind preconceptions.

Anyhow, that said:

1) Is your town really like a woman who's been knocked up? The image is shocking. But I want to know more of the history of why. If it's just shock, it doesn't describe the town. But has the town been married against its will? Raped? Or is it just suck in shame, and so hiding something that ought to be ordinary...? Maybe another sentence that hints at the location, da?

2) "My town irritates me"... paragraph jolts all over the topic spectrum. Do you think, perhaps, you could pull out its heart strings (so to speak) and develop a) your irritation and b) the resemblance of your town to the furor and fuss of Disney?

3) Final paragraph leaps from attics to graveyards. Er, I'm not quite sure where they bridge, but the two images don't follow one another, and I'm left at a loss as to the why of the silence. "Full of spiderwebs and..." What is it your town is hiding? How does that chafe you? One additional bridge of a sentence might work to tie the attack to the graveyard. Hardworking hands smell old...metallic. But they remember, at least by touch and skin. What leaves them behind to the empty, closed, silence of graves...the "forgetting" of daisies that close their eyes?

You have a fantastic eye and ear for image, and for subtlety. I'd only suggest asking yourself more questions and making sure you give the images space to breathe. Piled atop each other, they don't get their due -- and they deserve enough space to knock a reader silly.

Cheers,

IMP

Wow, um i dont know where to start!
First off, i like the level of detail and the advanced vocabulary you used to describe the setting-I think this may be a metaphor for something?-I am too dense to get it.
I see that this is supposed to be about a National historic landmark, it pokes fun at the history and the way it conveys that in the 4th passage is really good! The way you write 'history is lovely when it is allowed to crumble' is simply genius, Overall, 10/10, no errors, very descriptive.

Something about this piece is very addictive to read. The way that you have described your town was done in such a manner that you seem to skim across the features of your home with precise statements that follow opinion rather than fact, however, are explained in an informative way. I feel as if this piece is very casual but meaningful- I think that you should make this into a story.

I just loved the sentences:

Evolution is staunched by mechanized aesthetics. That’s not to say there aren't beautiful places. History is lovely when it is allowed to crumble. And we are touched by the corrosive ocean breeze.