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To Sit on the Edge of the Moon

by YellowSweater


I sit on the moon's round rim and um a half forgotten harmoney, fiddling to the tune of the tides. But regardless of the moon's phase, the sea wind will whistle and wind my strings too tight.

I walked on water last night, but my footprints were blown away. Drenched and dry, I shivered, caught on the edge of something, of evening, of ocean.

When it is dark, almost dark, death feels much closer. The dark is full of unknowable cliffs, footsteps, and filled space. I can close my eyes, but I can’t sleep.

So I’ll play my fiddle and stare into the black water.


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Sat Apr 30, 2022 5:42 pm
PoetryMisfit wrote a review...



Hi Yellow Sweater.

I do not typically review poetry but your title immediately captured my eye and after reading it I definitely have some thoughts.

Your descriptions are ethereal and beautiful, weaving a depiction of the moon in a very surreal way. The first stanza presents a sad, lonely tone through the Narrator's solitary fiddling session on the edge of the moon. However, I didn't quite understand the meaning behind the line: ..."the wind will whistle my strings too tight".

I interpreted your second stanza as the Narrator walking on the moon since its surface has a very diverse terrain.
"I walked on water last night, but my footprints were blown away." (To me this implies that the moon absorbs any existence on her surface and makes it part of her own. Perhaps this is a way to suggest that the Narrator and the moon are one soul, because just as he is alone so is the moon).

"Drenched and dry, I shivered, caught on the edge of something, of evening, of ocean." (This is my favorite line out of the entire poem). There is something about the way you describe the space beyond the moon being so grand and vast. It is a feeling that can easily overwhelm and I think you conveyed the vastness of it looking over the edge of the moon so beautifully. The alliteration also emphasizes that feeling too and draws the reader's attention even more into the depiction).

Your third stanza is a great encapsulation of the twilight hours. Depicting the end of the day as a form of death is a beautiful interpretation, because the descent of darkness is so often how many of us may depict death. This line also further contributes to the melancholic tone present throughout your poem.
"I can close my eyes, but I can't sleep." (With your description of death and now this uneasiness from the narrator, it makes me think that they are afraid to die. The darkness is so vast it could easily swallow them whole. Hence tying back into the first stanza, the Narrator plays their fiddle in the absence of sleep).

The only suggestion I would recommend since you had categorized this under poetry is breaking it up into more lines, because the format made it read more like a lyrical vignette than a poem. Though it still read beautifully and flowed really well.

Overall thoughts:
Throughout your poem there is a tone of melancholy and loneliness, both of which depict the moon perfectly. I have always thought the moon both melancholic and lonely, always looking down on the world but never getting to be a part of it. Your poem is very fluid like a melody from the fiddler themselves. At various points in the poem I sensed a feeling of being overhwelmed by the vatsness of the darkness beyond the moon, both in how it was portrayed as death and encapsulating the unknown. I found both of those to be very profound insights and your descriptions did a great job of encapsulating those feelings and immersing me in them.

Thank you so much for posting this, it was such a wonderful read.

- Poetry Misfit




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Thu Apr 28, 2022 6:14 pm
waywardxwanderer wrote a review...



Hello!

First off, I absolutely LOVE this. Your descriptions and imagery are so vivid and beautiful!!

I sit on the moon's round rim and um a half forgotten harmoney, fiddling to the tune of the tides. But regardless of the moon's phase, the sea wind will whistle and wind my strings too tight.


I think you meant to say "hum" in the first sentence. The imagery here is absolutely stunning - the picture of a fisherman sitting on the moon, and the moon being so close to the sea - gorgeous. The alliteration of "wind will whistle and wind" is such a nice touch and really adds to the enchantment of the poem. Also, was this inspired by the Dreamworks boy on the moon?

I walked on water last night, but my footprints were blown away. Drenched and dry, I shivered, caught on the edge of something, of evening, of ocean.


This subtle change from what's going on around the fisher to their memories and thoughts is so well done. The concept of the footprints on water, refusing to stay - it implies that sometimes they do, and that in itself is so surreal and lovely. There's a word I'm looking for that I can't quite find, but this is mystical and enchanting and just *magic*.

When it is dark, almost dark, death feels much closer. The dark is full of unknowable cliffs, footsteps, and filled space. I can close my eyes, but I can’t sleep.


The repetition of words here is super cool, and this entire section adds a further haunting, roping in death and the mystery in it all. The last sentence brought genuine goosebumps to my arms.

So I’ll play my fiddle and stare into the black water.


My one critique is this ending sentence. For a poem so lovely, so deep and dark and surreal, this final sentence is quite mundane - it's a bit anticlimatic. This oculd easily be fixed by adding a bit to it (something like "stare into the black water, haunted by the darkness of the tides") idk something like that but not that.

Overall, this poem was absolutely gorgeous - surreal, haunting, perfectly beautiful. It feels like a memory half-forgotten, or a dream you can't quite remember.

Keep writing!
Wayward (:




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Mon May 31, 2021 1:42 am
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hey there YellowSweater! I've been meaning to leave ya a review since I first read this, so here I am at long last c:

AH gosh I adore prose poetry and always get WAY excited when I see some hanging around in the poetry tab :') And this poem definitely lived up to my expectations! I feel like prose poetry sometimes has the potential to fall prey to run-on sentences and overwhelmingly large, overflowing-with-imagery paragraphs - but you managed to evade both of those pitfalls! You've got great variety in sentence length, some short, some long, and the "paragraphs" are all just two or so sentences, so not overwhelming at all.

On a first read-through, to me this poem seems to be about insomnia and someone who's awake late and doing a lot of thinking. I mean, this idea comes up pretty literally in the line "I can close my eyes, but I can’t sleep." -> but also the overall restlessness that the narrator seems to be experiencing, and the kind of stir-crazy loneliness, seems to really fit the experience of insomnia to me at least. And the way the narrator describes being "drenched and dry" reminds me a lot of the feeling of being awake late at night and not being sure if you're hot or cold but just knowing you're not a good temperature (not a good feeling that's for sure!)

I agree with mordax that I get vibes of nostalgia, along with maybe some regret as well? "My footprints blown away" could maybe refer to past actions that cannot be undone, and their response to this of being "drenched and dry" and "shivering" implies that they don't necessarily feel so great about those footprints/actions.

I absolutely adore the images you paint throughout - you strike this really tricky balance of brand-new, WHOAH-inducing images that also somehow feel familiar and just make sense. Those are my absolute favourite types of images in poetry <3 Like "footprints blown away" AAAAH WHAT IS THAT SORCERY, that is such a unique but perfect image !! Even the opening image of "sitting on the moon's round rim" is *chef's kiss*

Also some great sound devices going on! "the sea wind will whistle and wind my strings too tight" especially has some awesome alliteration and assonance happening. "Tune of the tides" and "hum a half-forgotten harmony" are also both gorgeous alliteration. There's a sneaky little rhyme between "tight" and "night", too, which adds a lovely flow between those two stanzas/paragraphs.

I also noticed a couple of places where you used the "rule of three": "of something, of evening, of ocean" and "unknowable cliffs, footsteps, and filled space". That's a really great way to add a slight bit of repetition without it feeling overdone or redundant!

I honestly don't have many critiques for ya! One little nitpick is that I would suggest avoiding having two -ing verbs in the same sentence (for example the opening one, "fiddling" and "humming"), as I find that can sometimes make the flow a bit clunky. -> In the opening line, you could consider "I sit on the moon's round rim, fiddling to the tune of the tides, and hum a half-forgotten harmony." as an alternative or something like that - totally up to you!

The only other critique I have is that I feel like the closing line is lacking a bit of oomph perhaps - I feel like I'm expecting the narrator to do something where my reaction will be "oh wow that's a bit drastic", but then it just turns out that they're gonna keep playing their fiddle and keep staring into the black water. Maybe you're going for an anticlimax, in which case that's totally effective, but if not, I might suggest reworking that and seeing if you can make a more reaction-inducing ending ^^

Overall though this was such a gorgeous poem to read and I enjoyed every single second of it! The imagery blew me away, honestly, it was so vivid and satisfying to imagine. You did a great job of creating some very strong emotions, as well!

I hope this review proves useful, and if you've got any questions about anything I brought up, don't hesitate to ask c:

Keep writing,

whatcha




YellowSweater says...


Thank you so much for your kind review! I am a huge fan of prose poetry as well. I don't know why, but when I write poetry in stanzas it just doesn't feel quite right. It's probably because I am crap at formating:) I actually did mean to go for the anti-climactic ending, but It's good to know that it feels a little off. Also, I really appreciate your suggestion about the sentence structure of that first line! I'll change it right away!



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Thu May 27, 2021 6:21 pm
LilPWilly says...



Good job 👍




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Wed May 26, 2021 1:21 am
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mordax wrote a review...



Hey there! Mordax here for a review.

First off, I love your imagery and wording. It truly is lyrical and beautiful.

I do recommend, however, breaking up your stanzas into more lines. For example:

I sit on the moon's round rim, fiddling to the tune of the tides,
humming a half-forgotten harmony.
Bur regardless of the moon's phase,
the sea wind will whistle and wind my strings too tight.

etc...
The way it is written now is awkward to read and reads less like a poem and more like a lyrical excerpt from a story.

Also:
Bur regardless of the moon's phase,

I believe you meant "but"

Beyond this, I have no critiques to provide, so here are my thoughts instead:

I just... wow. I love your imagery and wording in this. I have reread it three times and each time I gain something new. It has tones of nostalgia, fear, and loneliness all wrapped into one. Each stanza takes its own tone while connecting seamlessly with the others. For example, your first stanza feels rather nostalgic, this sense of a half-forgotten harmony (not even a melody) and the way this beautiful scene seems so far away, a mere memory. Then, the following stanza feels like someone who is forgotten and alone, the sign of their life blown away with the wind. Following that is this fear, this fear, perhaps, of other kinds of memories. Of the scary edges of the world and the noise that fills it when the moon hides away. Then, finishing it with that last line is so simple yet perfect. This entire emotional journey just occurred and the narrator simply goes back to their music because that is far easier than facing the horrors in sleep, searching for lost footprints, or even unwinding tight strings and finding forgotten melodies. It's this response to overwhelming thoughts and emotions that I can relate to so well.

Overall, wonderful writing, really, I am so impressed and jealous of your talent.

Mordax




YellowSweater says...


Thank you so much for your suggestions and for sharing your thoughts! I am so glad you got so much out of it. And I am really happy with all those things shown through the poem. (sometimes I worry my stuff is too abstract)




Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown