It was my last day in school although it wasn’t the end of the school year. My siblings and I had gotten permission to leave early due to an important family gathering in our home country.
I was talking to a close friend, Allie, as we waited for my siblings in front of the school gates. It was the last time I would see her in school because she was going to move to another country due to her father being transferred.
She was chatting away, telling me of her plans for the holidays; one of which was to visit me and my siblings. She was talking animatedly when she suddenly trailed off looking past me. I felt a car pull up behind me then I heard the vehicle’s doors open. Allie’s expression changed from one of mild curiosity to one of great surprise. I was about to turn to see the reason for Allie’s stunned face when I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist. I was pulled into a broad chest and a chin rested atop my head. I barely registered the shock that replaced the stunned expression on Allie’s face from the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears and I immediately knew who had captured me in an intimate embrace.
My suspicions were confirmed when a blue and white blur raced past our little group with a shout, “Hey Anne!” I recognized the voice as Enrique’s, my best friend’s younger brother.
Antonio and his family had moved about a year ago but we had been staying in touch through any means possible; we called, sent each other e-mails or sometimes even letters and text messages. I met him when I was sixteen at a pool party and since then we became best friends. He became my confidante and I his, we trusted each other and we loved each other more than just a friend but deeper than siblings and yet not in a romantic way.
I listened as he spoke to Allie. They once had a relationship but they broke up a few months before he left due to ‘trust issues’. That was actually the reason why I became close to Allie. After their break-up, she was devastated and came to seek my help. During that time I was already close friends with Antonio, therefore I knew what happened on his side. When she sought my help I gave her aid thus, we became friends. They never really patched it up. Tony just didn’t have the heart to talk to her nor the inclination to and Allie just never got the guts she needed to talk to him after their spat. Because of this, it came to no surprise that Allie was shocked at Tony’s intimacy towards me especially since our ‘relationship’ wasn’t announced publicly nor was it shown. Only a few other people know about our relationship but that’s only because they were the ones who tried to hook me up with him (Angelo – my big brother in the class and all his guy friends).
I interrupted whatever Tony was saying when I spoke up.
“So what are you doing here, Tony?” I asked.
“What, I can’t come to visit you?” he retorted then moved as if to kiss the top of my head but whispered instead, “Actually I have someone I need you to talk to.”
My eyes widened slightly as I realized who was waiting for me. Then, I saw my four year old brother come out of the school building. The prospects for whoever was waiting for me were quickly forgotten as I saw the protective expression that crossed my younger sibling’s face when he saw some unknown man embracing me.
Allie and Antonio had resumed talking so it was only I who saw Jason run from the school gates to where we were standing. He skidded to a stop right behind Allie before speaking.
“What are you doing to Analyn?” he asked, his voice making Allie jump aside in surprise. Her movement revealed Jason looking indignantly at Tony. His expression quickly turned to a gleeful one once he recognized Tony.
“Hey buddy!” Tony greeted as he released me from his hold. He picked Jason up and settled the boy upon his shoulders.
“Is Ricky here?” Jason asked from overhead.
“Yes, he’s here somewhere. I think he’s looking for his classmates,” Tony replied. Jason had become attached to Ricky when Tony and I introduced our families to each other and Ricky had the same mutual affections for the boy.
Jason started waving wildly atop Tony’s shoulders so I turned to see who he was waving at and was not surprised to see my ten year old sister, Sharon who was talking to her friends, saying goodbye. She waved back to Jason and headed towards our group after she said her goodbyes. She walked towards us quickly. Antonio let Jason off of his shoulders once he started squirming in his place. Jason shot off towards Sharon the moment his feet landed on the ground. Sharon stumbled when Jason embraced her stomach but quickly regained her balance so that they didn’t fall over.
Sharon walked towards our little group with Jason in tow. She stopped right in front of Antonio and let go of Jason so she could hug him. Sharon had had a crush on Antonio when I first introduced him to my family but that had quickly turned into brotherly love once our families started spending time with each other.
Enrique and Sharon had hit it off when they first met. Since then they had been like Antonio and I. They started to hang out more in school and then even out of school. We even teased them of dating each other but they only shrugged it off. Over time, they’d developed feelings for each other and everyone but them had noticed it.
So lost was I in my thoughts about the past that I didn’t notice that everyone had turned to me.
“Oh, sorry,” I said as I snapped out of my stupor. “What were you saying?” I asked generally.
“I was asking what your plans for today are,” Sharon replied with an impatient huff.
“I don’t know,” I said, turning to Antonio. He was about to say something when Enrique joined our group. He had snuck up on Sharon and was then standing behind her without her knowing. She still had her hold on Jason so I called him over to me. He ran towards me, embracing me in the process and that’s when Enrique made his move. He tapped Sharon in the shoulder which made her jump in surprise. She turned to him angrily then he kissed her on the cheek. He then proceeded to walk over to me to give both Jason and I a tight embrace.
Sharon looked at him with an annoyed expression which he returned with a victorious smirk. I could practically hear the wheels in my sister’s head turning as she thought of a scheme to get back at Enrique. Her lips turned up into a mischievous grin when a plan wormed its way into her evil mind.
“I want to borrow your sister this afternoon and maybe until tomorrow morning,” Antonio said taking everyone’s attention from what just happened.
“So, does that mean I can go with them?” Enrique asked eagerly while pointing towards my siblings.
“Of course you can,” Antonio and I agreed simultaneously. With that, plans were made and goodbyes were said.
Sharon turned to the unsuspecting Enrique who was fooling around with Jason. She tapped him on the shoulder, much like what he did to her, and then kissed him straight on the lips once his face was on a level with hers. Sharon pulled back with a dazzling smile while Enrique stood there in the middle of the street, petrified. She called Jason to her and they started walking to our car.
As I watched my siblings walk away I realized someone was missing from their group. I looked back to where they had been standing and found Enrique, his eyes glazed over and a goofy grin on his face. I snapped my fingers in front of his face to get his attention and he blinked as if he had just woken up from a deep sleep.
“Ricky!” I called. “Are you still in there?”
“Huh?” he said, looking around feeling a little lost.
“I was asking if you were still in there,” I replied. Antonio started laughing beside me and soon everyone else had followed suit. Enrique blushed red in embarrassment but was saved when the car that was carrying my siblings stopped right in front of our group. Sharon opened the door and Enrique practically jumped right through it.
It took a while but our laughter finally subsided. Soon, Allie’s mom came to pick her up and so we said our goodbyes. The next group to greet Antonio was Angelo’s. He came over to us with all the other guys from my class. Angelo was first, followed by James then John and finally Andrew.
“You’re not leaving without saying goodbye, are you Lyn?” Angelo asked me, purposely ignoring Antonio. I walked to him and embraced him, burying my face in his chest.
“I’ll miss you, Gelo,” I mumbled against his shirt.
“I’ll miss you too, Lyn,” he replied, his voice rumbling in his chest.
I pulled away from him and said goodbye to all the other guys as he and Antonio spoke. With the goodbyes said and done, I turned to my ‘big brothers’ and grabbed Antonio’s hand. I waved as I pulled him away from the group. When we were a decent distance from them I spoke up.
“I hope you make your move this summer, Gelo,” I teased. “Otherwise, someone might get her before you can.” And with those final words, I ran to the car with Antonio in tow. But not before seeing the pink tinge that graced Angelo’s face courtesy of my teasing.
We got into the vehicle to find that Tracy, or at least that’s who I thought it was, had fallen asleep in an uncomfortable sitting position. I walked over to the left side of the car, the same time that Antonio got into the right side. We laid her down on the seat with Antonio cradling her head while I held onto her feet to make sure she didn’t roll off the seat.
“Is this Tracy?” I asked. He simply nodded in reply. We stayed in silence for a long moment waiting for the other to speak. Finally unable to keep quiet I sighed deeply then asked him the question that was bugging me. “So why did you come here?” he raised an eyebrow in question and I just looked at him pointedly.
“Fine,” he conceded. “I need your help with something.”
“You need help?” I asked then looked at the slumbering girl we were cradling. “I don’t think you need any help with her. From the looks of it she’s totally devoted to you,” I said then looked at him. The look in his eyes made me smirk. “And judging from the look in your eyes, so are you.”
“Yeah,” he conceded. “I can honestly say that she’s my first love.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” I said cheekily. “So what did you need my help for?”
“You’ll see when we get to the house,” he said. “We’re almost there.” He told me then turned his attention to the sleeping girl. “Tracy,” he called. “We’re home. Tracy wake up, we’re here.” He said but got no response. He looked at me silently asking for help but I merely smirked at him. He flashed a similar expression in my direction then bent his head down and captured his girlfriend’s lips in a kiss. Her reaction was almost instantaneous even in her sleep. Antonio pulled her up so that she was sitting comfortably on his lap, her arms wound around his neck as they kissed. I coughed loudly to get their attention and they turned to look at me sheepishly.
“Sorry, Anne,” Tracy said. I smiled knowingly at her.
“Whatever,” I said as the car passed through the gates.
Loud crashes resounded through the vehicle as the car stopped before the front door. I looked worriedly towards Antonio who was looking at Tracy. They knew what the cause of the crash was and they were worried about what happened to whatever it was. Another crash and we were out the car in a flash. The door slammed against the wall with the force with which Antonio opened it. All three of us froze as we looked at the scene.
End of chapter
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Hey Yanni! You've got a nice, intriguing start here. I'm going to start with the nitpicks and then give my overall opinions at the end.
I liked this opening, it was very effective. The first sentence leaves you curious and the next sentence clarifies some, but not all so I'm still curious about what is going to happen.
This was a lot of information for me in one big chunk, kind of like a mini-info dump. I see the necessity of explaining the relations and how it all came about, but maybe try breaking it up some because I hardly took in anything that was just stated.
This small scene was a little confusing to me. Did Jason simply not see Tony clearly because they obviously know each other later? So why is Tony considered an "unknown man"? And if Jason didn't remember him because he's four and four-year-olds don't have the best memory, he sure warmed up to Tony fast... Also, he seems like a pretty mature four-year-old. Are most four-year-olds that protective of their sister hugging someone they don't know?
The underlined portion feels very redundant.
The underlined portion feels redundant again. I bolded him because you should clarify who "he" is since you are talking about two different "hims" in the same sentence and maybe re-word it too so it's not name after name after name. "Had had" isn't technically wrong but it doesn't read very nicely so I would try and think of a way to re-phrase that part. Is it necessary to even have in? Can the reader just know that she and Antonio have a brotherly love or does the fact that she used to have a crush on him matter?
Again, it's starting to feel info-dumpy with all of this information. Until it becomes important to the plot, I wouldn't devote time to the small details of which siblings like who. Show the reader that they like each other and let us figure it out for ourselves instead of coming right out to tell us. (Which you start to do nicely in the following couple of paragraphs).
The transition back to the real world felt a little forced to me.
Overall, I think you have an interesting start here. You're a good writer and I like your writing style. You use a lot of great description and you kept to past tense very well. I didn't notice any major tense, grammar, or spelling issues so kudos to you there!
Where I think you could improve is with showing and telling. There is a lot of telling in this chapter and honestly, not much happens. You introduce everyone and explain everyone's story and everyone's relation to everyone and have a brief blurb of whats to come, that Antonio has someone that needs to talk to the MC and she is leaving soon for her home country. It's not very grabbing.
I know it's tempting to include all of that back story and back information right away, but try to pace it out and get some action going right in this first chapter so your reader can't turn away. Think about what information is critical to know about the characters and think about how to space it out so that we aren't getting it in one big chunk. (Even if it's spaced out throughout the chapter it still feels like one big chunk). Anything that isn't critical to know about the characters can be taken out to avoid clutter.
Let me know if you have any questions or if something wasn't clear and keep writing!
-Carly
Ooh! I'm so excited for the next chapter. I love your stories, you are such a good writer! I didn't see anything majorily wrong with the story but some parts did confuse me at first until I continued reading and then I understood. Can't wait until the next chapter!