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E - Everyone

Sxve yOURself

by Xnwxr


People terrified
Homicide worldwide
Mostly when they feel mortified

It's an era where you hide
What you feel inside
So, everyone lies
Until we die

Willing to hurt anyone
But, protecting our pride
Got no tears in eyes, never cried
Cuz these eyes are dried
Life's at a point of low tide

Feelin' empty inside??
No one by beside??
Thoughts for suicide????
Think bout your family ❤ replied...


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852 Reviews


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Sat Sep 07, 2019 2:17 am
alliyah wrote a review...



I can't figure out if the title is trying to be some catchy texting-lingo that I'm just not understanding, or if it's accidentally misspelled. If it's some sort of catchy saying, I'm not sure it's very accessible.

I think the poem was an interesting take on trying to do sort of a casual rap, about something very serious, and that's a hard balance to take, because you don't want talk about suicide to seem flippant, but you seemed to cover it going in too deep.

The different types of slang in the poem added a nice song-like flow to the piece, I think the strongest stanza was the second one, that had very nice rhyme and rhythm to it, I think if you could develop the other stanzas a bit more to match that one, it'd have a lot of song potential in its flow.

One part I found particularally problematic was in the third stanza,

Willing to hurt anyone / but protecting our pride / life's at a point of low tide


I really hope that you aren't implying that people who are suicidal don't care about hurting other people because they are really prideful? I don't understand what this stanza is saying at all, but I think it needs to be clarified or taken out, to avoid implying that people who suffer from suicidal ideation are really self-centered, which is just not true.

I think it's great that you decided to try to tackle a serious topic like this in your poetry, since it's not talked about enough, but when talking about mental illness, and these really sensitive issues, it's important not to make sweeping generalizations about the causes or about people in general. In a very short poem it can be difficult to address that complexity, but I do think it's important to consider.

The last stanza I found to be the weakest, and could no understand the different question marks and then the random heart emoji at the end, I think I'm missing something there but it seemed a bit unfinished.

Overall interesting idea, some solid rhyming, but in my opinion needs a bit of polishing and a serious look at stanza 3 & 4.

Good luck in editing!

Image




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Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:55 pm
mthanmark263 says...



wow amazing totally amazing I really loved the poem . How do you do it? like words all are linking wow you teach me poetry . It just spoke to me like if anyone thought about suicide they think about it twice after reading this poem . like how long does it take to write a poem like yours ? I really enjoyed it blew my mind . you really talented




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17 Reviews


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Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:55 pm
mthanmark263 wrote a review...



wow amazing totally amazing I really loved the poem . How do you do it? like words all are linking wow you teach me poetry . It just spoke to me like if anyone thought about suicide they think about it twice after reading this poem . like how long does it take to write a poem like yours ? I really enjoyed it blew my mind . you really talented




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Tue Jul 16, 2019 1:15 pm
Daughter wrote a review...



Hi, there! I'm Daughter, here to leave you a review!

Let's get right into it!
(Note: My criticisms are only meant to be constructive. I hope you find some sort of use out of them!)

People terrified
Homicide worldwide
Mostly when they feel mortified

This opening was a bit misleading, in my opinion. You make it sound like there's an apocalypse coming, which I don't think was your intention at all. This piece is categorized under "Realistic, Health" and a story about an apocalypse probably wouldn't be underneath those categories.
On the other hand, I do know that experiencing suicidal thoughts is very much like an apocalypse attacking your brain. It's a very frightening feeling for a human to endure.
I've got mixed feelings about this intro, but I'd advise you to review it again.

It's an era where you hide
What you feel inside
So, everyone lies
Until we die

This stanza feels forced. The flow is off; but then again, that may actually be intentional. It's very possible you chose this writing style on purpose to truly reflect the experience and lack of stability that depression/suicidal thoughts carry. If so, I say that you've done a pretty good job here expressing the choppiness of that sort of toxicity.
Otherwise, once again, I suggest that you do some sort of revision.

Willing to hurt anyone
But, protecting our pride
Got no tears in eyes, never cried
Cuz these eyes are dried
Life's at a point of low tide

There are a few techincal issues here, and this stanza is pretty messy. I got lost and a bit confused. What, exactly, are you describing? I see hints of some of the "stages" people experience whilst fighting depression, but otherwise, it seems a bit like it was strung together just for the sake of doing so. The rhyming didn't satisfy my eye. However, the flow was a bit smoother in this paragraph than the others, which I appreciated.
(On a techincal note: "Got no tears in eyes" needs to have either "my" or "your" before "eyes".)

Feelin' empty inside??
No one by beside??
Thoughts for suicide????
Think bout your family ❤ replied...

This ending brought a sprinkle of happiness to this poem, which I think I needed. I wasn't completely sure what the last line ended with;
❤ replied...

That may just possibly be a publishing error on your part.
Regarding gramatical issues, here's what I found:
No one by beside??

"by beside" is gramatically incorrect. "By [your] side" would make more sense here. (or "Beside you")
Thoughts for suicide????

I'm pretty sure this isn't right, either. I think you probably meant "thoughts ABOUT suicide", but I can't know for sure.

All in all, well done! I'd suggest a couple edits, but I think you've done well truly capturing the essence of depression/suicidal thoughts. Welcome to YWS, and keep writing!

Daughter




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Tue Jul 16, 2019 1:04 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here to leave a short review on your work, on this lovely night, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's begin shall we?

Wow this was deep, the emotions were all there, and boy they were strong and over whelming, don't get me wrong that is a really good things, in poems I think it's good that your emotions flood into your reader, making them feel the pain, happiness what ever your trying to bring across. That way it always makes the poem better, and I think you have done just that. Well done.

Now with the title it's rather interesting, but I'm wondering if you meant to say Save in stead on Sxve.
Anyway I love the story and the meaning behind this poem, it just made it come to life, it was amazing, and I loved everything about your poem.
I didn't think it was short or to long ether, it was the perfect length, and nothing it it felt forced ether. Your word choice was also really good, that is another important thing for a poem.

Anyway everything you wrote here to me was perfect, and I'm glad I got to be one of the luck people to read and review your work, it was really fun. I hope you will keep writing and posting amazing things on YWS! Have a great day or night ether one.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!





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