z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Winter

by WriterSister33


It’s starting to get colder,

You can feel it on your shoulder.

.

It’s cozy in the warm,

In case it’s begins to storm.

.

It’s beginning to snow,

While the wind blow.

.

And when the snow has fell,

It resound in the bell.

.

But the weather will get better.

.

And summer will come back,

That’s a real fact.

.

The snow will begin to disappear,

From everything and everywhere.

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Fri Nov 23, 2018 5:43 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey writer! Here I am to review your lovely poem.

I love the way you structured the poem, with all couplets besides the one line

But the weather will get better.
It is a really good way to draw a lot of attention to that one line, which functions as a transition in attitude in your poem.

My one criticism of this poem is that some of the rhymes feel forced. For example when you rhyme "colder" with "shoulder", I don't understand why you feel it more in your shoulder than any other body part, so it feels liie you just chose that word because it rhymes and not because it adds to the meaning or tone of the poem.

I would also say there are some serious grammatical issues in a few lines, but I'm going to trust that the previous reviewers covered that enough.

Overall, this was a delightful poem, and its structure made it unique and enjoyable. Never stop writing !

~alliyah






Hey! Thank you for the review! I don%u2019t think that I am going to change the colder, shoulder part, But I am going to think about it :)



alliyah says...


You're welcome!



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Mon Nov 19, 2018 2:47 am
ThatOneGuy2002 wrote a review...



Hey, first off, good choice of topic. Winter is one of the best things to write on, the beauty of the ice, the chills of snow, just a topic waiting to be gratified. Secondly however, there were a few grammatic errors, with the past and present tense, such as "when the snow have fell", it should be, if grammatically correct, "when the snow has fallen" or "when the snow has fell". Also, some of the rhyme scheme was a bit weak, you may work on that. All in all however, i look foward to more in the future.






Thank you for the review!



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Sun Nov 18, 2018 8:33 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



hello writersister! :) a certain demon has put off her blue star for far too long so i'm writing something here :D

so this seems to be one stanza. if you want to change this, you can easily put two dashed lines or do what i do and do shift and then enter to make a new line every stanza, like in the spoiler:

Spoiler! :
first line

second line

third line

fourth line

or

first line
second line

third line
fourth line


or something like that??? idk you don't have to take my suggestions lmao

i guess my point here is that when your stanzas get too long, it's difficult to read. for someone like me who can't handle redundancy, my eyes get overwhelmed and i begin to do my skimming thing. i would recommend turning this into two or three stanzas to make it easier on people's eyes.

regarding the first two lines, i get what you're trying to do. you're trying to rhyme, and i get that, but those two words don't actually rhyme. they're called off-rhymes, actually! i do like off-rhymes, actually, but those two lines don't make sense...??? like you would feel it everywhere, and not just on your shoulder, ya know? i recommend rhymezone to help you rhyme in poetry. just make sure that you know that poems don't have to rhyme. honestly, i don't think that i've ever rhymed (other than poems for school) in my life.

i can also see what you're trying to do with the fourth line, but it would flow better if you plural-ize "wind" and make it seem a little more,,, mysterious,,, if that's the word for it. it also flows better, haha.

i would recommend changing the fifth and sixth lines... first off, they're awkward in the middle of the poem (if you do keep them, put them at the end and not the middle for better flow. plus, poems that end in "storm" are pretty tough and cool, for lack of a non-swear word). second, for the sixth line, you don't need the apostrophe s in "it". :) just a little grammar issue. i'm not saying that it's because you need to have perfect grammar in poetry--you don't. in fact, it's kind of encouraged not to--but you're used perfect grammar in this poem thus far and the apostrophe s is a bit jarring. also, it's not "when the snow have fell". i know it doesn't rhyme, but the correct grammar is: "when the snow has fallen".

how does the snow chime (not chyme, by the way. i'm pretty sure that's a spice. or is that thyme?) in a bell? first off, snow can't get in a bell unless it's upside down. second, snow is so light that it doesn't make any noise if it lands on a bell, or so little noise that we can't hear it. either i would add a few lines explaining this or i would remove those two lines altogether.

wait! what rhymes with "better"? you've rhymed with everything thus far and you didn't rhyme something with "better"??? huh??

for the next two lines, i would change it to what's in the spoiler for better flow and to prevent the first words of the lines to repeat:

Spoiler! :
And summer will come back;
That's a real fact.


^ something like that. (the spoiler was to break up this monotonous review and so you wouldn't have to read two more lines of my drivel :P oh, and spring comes first in norway, right? i live in pennsylvania, so i'm around the same longitude as you).

you change the tense in the last two lines from future tense to present tense. turn the last two lines into future by turning "begins" to "will begin"... and honestly that's it lmao. but the last line doesn't make a lot of sense. "from everything and everywhere"... huh? i know that you're trying to say that snow is going to disappear, but you could make this clearer, or change the rhyme. i still recommend rhymezone, by the by.

well, i think that wraps up the review! i didn't read the other review, so i don't know if i repeated everything, but i don't think i did,,, i hope that you have a great day! just remember that you don't have to take my suggestions if you don't want :)

(oh, and the commas thing that i do is on purpose. it's a tumblr thing)

--

zaminami, goddess of demons






Hey! Thank you for your review!
I have Done some changes...
I know that spring comes first, But in norway is it pretty could in spring too, so the snow begins to dissapear late...





And yeah, I know that it does not come any rhyme with better. But the Hole line rhymes: Weather, better...



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Sat Nov 17, 2018 8:02 pm
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Jadefeather wrote a review...



[ Review - Jadefeather ]

Hello, WinterSister33! I've decided to give you a review for your poem, Winter. I also like how the title of the poem goes really well with your username! I just happened to notice, yes.

Let's begin with punctuation. I noticed your punctuation for the poem is really good. There is either a comma (,) or a period (.) on the end of each line or sentence. I love good punctuation! Great job!

Your capitalization is good too, however it's a lot easier with autocorrect which I know many people use. I'm not judging how good your autocorrect is, though. There are capitals in all the spots that there's supposed to be. Good job with that.

The grammar, for the most part, is pretty good. I do have a problem with line four, though, but I'll get to it after I'm finished with the general outlook. Line six is also bothering me, but that'll be mentioned below in the spelling section.

Your spelling is pretty good except for line six, as I mentioned above. Spelling isn't a difficult thing, but I'm glad your poem is good in this general area. In line six, there is a typo as seen in the following:
'In case it beginns to storm.'
'Beginns' is not a word. It is a simple typo, I can clearly see, however it is spelled as 'Begins' with one N. Please fix that when you can!

I love poems with rhyming! I was so happy to see that Winter is a rhyming poem! At the beginning of the poem, from lines one to six, the rhyming is perfect. Each word at the end of the sentences has something to rhyme with. But lines seven, eight and nine do not rhyme with each other or anything else in the poem.
'Better,' 'Disappear,' and 'Everywhere' do not rhyme. I am strictly judging this because I can tell that this poem, Winter, is supposed to be a rhyming poem. You do not necessarily have to change it, but I suggest trying to edit rhyming words into it as it is very clearly supposed to rhyme.

Your poem is short! I can't stand poems that have less that 15 lines! Don't take this the wrong way. I love the poem, but it could definitely be longer. Try adding thoughts, feeling or details to make it a more decent length.
What do you know about winter? Explain it! What is winter like? Explain it! When does winter appear? Explain it! I know that you have more knowledge about this season.

Finally I can begin to explain my thoughts about line four, as I mentioned in the grammar section. I've been waiting the entire review to mention it!
LINE FOUR DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!
Sorry if the capital letters were intimidating. I just wanted to get my thoughts, feelings and point across.
'And the wind just blow.'
Improper grammar!!! Don't you think that the sentence is either worded improperly or it just doesn't make sense? If the poem went like this, then it would:
'You can feel to cold,
And the wind blow.'
The 'Just' in the middle doesn't even need to be there. You don't need to change any of this thoughtful poem just because this way-too-long review says that there is improper wording and so on in it. Do what you feel is best.

Thank you so much for reading this extremely long review!! Your poem is beautiful, and I'm glad I read it! Don't forget that there's always room for improvement.
I do realize that I was criticizing a little more fiercely than I usually do, and I'm sorry if this hurt your feelings in any way at all. I really hope it didn't, though. I just want to be helpful!!
I'm going to sign off with my usual farewell words. Once again, before I do, thank you for reading my review. I do realize it is way longer than it probably needed to be.
Remember: Never stop writing, and just because someone criticizes your work doesn't mean it isn't brilliant!
Have a good day, WinterSister33, and to you I give a late welcome to YWS! I also thought it was ironic that your username is WinterSister33 and yet your profile picture is of a beach and sunglasses.
~ Jadefeather






Hey! Thank you for your review! I have done a few changes, But not that much at line four...

Just so you know is my name NOT WinterSister33 it%u2019s WriterSister33, just so you know.

Thank you again, I think that review%u2019s and comment%u2019s are more helpful than critizing and glad that you review%u2019d.

From
WriterSis.



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Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:35 pm
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Fantascifi66 says...



It's great!;)






Thank you<3XD





I jave changed the poem, if you would like to read it againXD



Fantascifi66 says...


Cool!



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Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:32 pm
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FireSpyGirl says...



I love it!






Yaah:):)XDXD




You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan