Sometimes I would wonder,
far way, where sorrow’s gone,
what it’s like there, yonder.
where love is added on,
added on.
I saw it first in a dream,
this frame, who moved,
towards the stream.
It would never stumble,
as it proved,
it was far too humble.
I have heard many stories,
about this shape,
its inventories.
But never could I envision,
like on tape,
this collision.
From heaven it was sent,
so pure, so clear,
I knew what it meant.
It had come just for me,
met me at the pier,
to set me free.
This heart that beats with mine,
intertwine,
oh, so fine.
Soon you, yourself will see,
what with me,
will set you free.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there, Pineapple here for a small review!
I liked your angle of describing "love" most just as an emotion but as an object and person. I had never though of that myself and I have to ask, just where did you come up with that? I loved how you illustrated love in such an interesting way; being humble, heaven-sent, etc.
I enjoyed the style of ABA you took, it was very smooth and well-written. Your word choice was beautiful as well. My favorite line was "But never could I envision, like on a tape, this collision." Love really does slap you in the face at times, doesn't it?
Overall, I thought this was a short, sweet poem. Great work and I can't wait to see more of your pieces!
Signed,
Pineapple
Hey Pineapple!
Honestly I have no idea how it came to me... I switched up some startlines and then this just existed
I think I constructed love as an object and person by building up how one calls their someone special "my love", but I didn't really think much of it until I was done writing.
I have never thought of love this way either, and I think it's somewhat an unusual perspective?
Thank you for pointing out the rhyme pattern!:) I am really happy with it although it changes, but I think that's okay?
Thank you so much for reading my poem and sharing your thoughts <3
WriterSis.
Hello! This is a review.
I really liked the line.
"But never could I envision,
like on tape,
this collision."
The flow of the vowels and the crack of consonants in "But", "could", "like", "tape", and "coll-" from "collision".
I also liked the line,
"It would never stumble,
as it proved,
it was far too humble."
It puzzled me at first because I was not sure what stumbling had to do with being humble before I realized it is probably a reference to pride being a stumbling block for people.
I wonder at the use of "hath" in line 21. It seems a little out of place. I think the poem would have read more smoothly for me if it was just "It has come just for me,".
Overall, this is a sweet poem and I can't wait to read more of your work!
Have a great day
Hi Mooilky!
Thank you for the review.
That first line you commented was one I had to change a lot, and Im glad you liked it
I actually don't know the answer myself for the "stumble" line, but I enjoy reading others methaphors and references so thank you for that.
As to the use of "hath", I really just wanted to play with the poem a bit, but yeah, I think I'll change it back to "has"...
WriterSis