Ordadus. What the hell was Ordadus?
“What do you mean?” Brett pulled himself up into a sitting position and searched her face in the dark for some sort of answer. “Could you please tell me what’s going on?”
“Look,” she said, “we can talk later. I don’t know what to do with you, but first we have to get out of here. There’s smilos in the forest.” She went to the edge of the mantle and pulled up the rope, leaving it in a heap on the rock where it was secured.
He wondered what a smilo could be. A word popped in his head - smilodon - from some distant crevasse of mostly forgotten scraps of schooling. Was it a dinosaur?
“My name’s Arena, by the way,” she said.
“Brett.”
Arena held out her hand and he shook it, but she held onto it longer, and her face drew nearer to him. In the dark Brett couldn’t see her facial expression and for an absurd moment he thought that she was leaning in to kiss him.
“What color are your eyes?” she asked instead, in a dry tone that was not at all romantic.
Brett swallowed the pool of saliva that had lingered in his throat. “Blue.”
She let go abruptly. “I was hoping for brown. That would have made things easier. Much easier.”
Brett was about to ask why but then he heard something rustling in the brush behind him. “Quiet!” Arena hissed. She drew her dagger and motioned for Brett to get behind her, which he did, scooting himself uncomfortably closer to the edge of the mantle while blood from his stinging ankle dribbled on the rock.
With one eye on Arena, he pulled off his flannel. He was wearing a white t-shirt underneath that was sticky with sweat and stuck to his chest as he panted in exhaustion and pain. He wrapped the flannel around the ankle several times, tight, until he could tie the arms together.
“Quiet!” she whispered again.
He tried to breathe more shallowly and ignore the needles in his chest. Looking past Arena into the brush, there was nothing to be seen except the hazy outline of scraggly trees.
Brett wished he had a weapon. Actually, if he had the opportunity, he would wish to be home.
There was rustling in the brush again, and then a large bird sprang from the trees and took to the air. It passed by so close that Brett could feel the whoosh of air beneath its wings. He watched it before its silhouette dissolved into the night.
“It could be flying away from something,” Arena said, turning around. “Let’s go.” She helped him to his feet.
They climbed higher up the mountain and angled toward the right. It was very dark, with no stars or moon above them, but Brett could see the white beads that were tied to the edges of Arena’s dress; they caught whatever glow was left in the sky like reflectors. At some points the climbing was so steep that Brett had to climb on all fours, grabbing onto roots and bushes to pull himself up. Arena scaled the slopes easily, and had to wait for him to catch up.
Brett’s ankle and exhaustion slowed him down, but his concern for the appearance of another monster like the thorned kraken or whatever a smilo was kept him moving quickly. Arena chastised him for walking so loudly and scuffing his feet on the rocky dirt, since it was impossible for him to mirror her stealthy, huntress-like walk.
When they had climbed high enough, there weren’t many trees and Brett felt safer knowing that there wasn’t enough brush for a big creature to be hiding behind. On the other hand, there were plenty of boulders and clefts in the rock, so he still stuck as close as he could to Arena.
At last, Brett could see a tiny flickering light in the distance. Arena stopped him behind a thick tree and turned around.
“Alright, here’s the deal. You can’t be seen by anyone. We have to get inside and get to my room without running into anybody. Then we’ll figure out what the next step is. If there is a next step.” She sighed wearily, glancing back toward the light.
Brett fanned his neck and chest with the collar of his shirt. He was too out of breath and too confused to say much, but he wanted to let her know that he was grateful. For whatever reason, his presence was a nuisance, but she was doing her best to help him. She had already saved his life but doing so seemed to have put her in danger. “Thanks, Arena,” he said.
She nodded. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Brett. There’s a long path ahead of us.”
He didn’t know what else to say except “Sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I got myself into this the moment I yelled at you to run. Anyway. My friend Tanyenke is guarding the gate tonight. We’re going to get as close as we can without him noticing us, then I’ll send him off on a quick errand. When he leaves the gate come inside as quickly and as quietly as possible. Got it?”
“Yes?” he said, without much conviction.
“Good. And seriously, pick your feet up.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hey, Fea's back and speaking in third-person!
So first, she must say, she really likes this chapter! She can't even find too much to criticize. Fea is appreciating the lack of the word 'suddenly' and words like 'abrupt' in its place. She proceeds to applaud you.
She's totally hooked on this story, and can't wait to read more!
See you around,
~ Fea
Hahaha xD
Yay!!! Thanks for reading!!
Hello again and happy RevMo!
I really like Arena. I like how mysterious she is and that everything she says seems to come with an air of why and what's going on. Like the color of his eyes, why does that matter. Or not being seen, why does that matter. And just her overall I can't believe I'm doing this, why does that matter. I'm sure all shall be revealed in due time, but I'm very excited to see how this all unfolds! I also really like her general impatience with him and that he can't do anything right in her eyes so far. I appreciate that even though he is brand new to this world and has no idea what's going on that she doesn't coddle him. There's clear danger out there, I'm guessing from many sides and fronts, and I appreciate how stick to the business at hand she is.
I honestly don't have any qualms with this segment. Your narration and description and everything are on point as always and I'm super engaged and excited to keep reading on to see what's going to happen next. You've done a really nice job of setting up a layered, complex plot and world. (I'm always so impressed by how you fantasy writers do that! :p)
And I'm looking forward to reading on!
Sorry for the lack of helpful content, you just do so many things so well. Stop it. (I'm kidding :p) Let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention! Skipping on over to the next segment now
<333
Hello, and happy Review Day!
Let's start with the smaller details:
"while blood from his stinging ankle dribbled on the rock." Dribble is a strong verb. I can picture exactly what you're talking about.
"like the thorned kraken or whatever a smilo was" I love this line.
"And seriously, pick your feet up.” I love the sass.
As far as the big picture of this part of the chapter goes, I think you could do more to capitalize on the point of view you've chosen. It feels to me like third-person limited, which is a great perspective, since it allows your reader to exist within your character's mind while still allowing them to see the world around him accurately, even if he doesn't. You're doing a great job of describing the world around him, but I think the story would benefit from a few more descriptions of Brett's feeling. You show him struggling to keep up with Arena because of his foot, but you don't talk about how it stings or if the flannel's too tight around his ankle or if he feels gross and sweaty, and how comfortable or uncomfortable he is with these varying sensations. I think relying a bit more on Brett's senses other than sight could add a new texture to this section.
Sometimes, during scenes where characters are traveling from Point A to Point B, it's hard to keep the plot compelling, but you do a wonderful job in this section of keeping the tension up even though the characters are in a moment of relative safety compared to the earlier part. The bird in the tree and keeping the characters focused on the current conflict of Brett not being allowed in Arena's village help propel the reader forward.
I hope there'll get to be more dialogue between the characters in the coming scenes since, while I think I'm starting to understand aspects of each of their characters, I'd really like to learn more about them.
Can't wait to read the next section!
-tgirly
Yes, Arena's got sass d:
Thank you so much for the review, tgirly! This is suuuper helpful, especially the bit about expanding into Brett's different senses.
Hey Wolfie! I haven't read previous chapter so take anything I say with a grain of salt
Something I would have liked to see here was more tense feelings. I understand that Brett's injured, possibly something large and frightening might have attacked him--but as they went on climbing, the tension drooped a bit. Certainly lingering too long will slow the pacing, but instead a few lines that will immediately ramp up the danger he's in. Such as saying that he kept looking behind his shoulder, that every rumble he heard seemed to be some danger, that the silence other than his footfalls were uncomfortable.
Arena doesn't sound too anxious here, in fact. Possibly since she's tough and capable and knows this place well. She's also a "now what's next?" type and rushes through things quickly. Brett may have trouble keeping up with her from what I read off.
There were a few lines here that I enjoyed, such as Brett thinking that Arena would kiss him, Brett wishing he had a weapon--nah, he could wish he'd go home. To me, I feel some hint of wry humor in those lines that I like. Perhaps it's a bit of your voice peeking in, because I don't recall seeing those kind of phrases before. Anyway, I like it.
I hope this helped! Toss over any questions you have
Ink
This is really good advice! Thank you Ink!