The first station is blaring rock and roll that rattles the window and shakes the door but I’d like my house to remain, well… whole! So I turn the dial - one hundred point four. . Next is classical - what a change in pace the music lifts and settles, stirs and strains but this genre is a bit slow to embrace So I browse throughout the channels again. . Soon I find a recognizable tune and I sing the chorus and hum through a verse but I hear it played every afternoon So I sift through the songs diverse. . Finally a sweet tune reaches my ears I’d only heard it once or twice, at most it’s the live version - I could hear the cheers A few seconds in, I'm engrossed. . In the background drums are lightly tapping keeping a temperate and steady beat to this pulse the eager crowd is clapping And I begin to tap my feet. . The single guitar is richly strumming; I feel its acoustic vibes run through my veins the voices harmonize by humming And the enthralling melody remains. . The chorus erupts, loud and clear and tells their story of love and despair I frown at the thought that its end is near, For other songs on the radio can’t compare.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
For some reason this reminds me of "video killed the radio star"
True! I didn't realize what song that was but I knew it when I looked it up.
NOTE: This is one of my entries for the Big Review contest. Hope you like it!
Introduction:
Hey there, Wolfie! I'm really excited to review this one. In fact, I'm so excited that I'll start out with something that struck me right away: you are a truly masterful rhymer. Normally, when I read/hear a rhyming poem, the cadence is awkward and the wording is forced. But your rhymes were like the beat of a song: crisp and energetic... a melody, of sorts.
Anyway--I'd better get started for real now. Thanks so much for writing this.
Ready? Set? Go!
Dual Line-by-Line Analysis:
Quickly, before I get to one small suggestion: I love the image that you immediately paint for me. "That rattles the window and shakes the door" is such an evocative scene... you include not only a picture but a sound, the aggressive rattling of the door that drums in my ears as I read. Awesome job.
Now, onto the teensy-tiny suggestion that I have: did you ever consider using "blares" instead of "is blaring"? "Is blaring", to some readers, may seem more passive than the alternative. To fill in the extra syllables, you can use a stronger adjective, like 'brazen', or one slightly less evocative, like "retro". Anyway, bear in mind: this is a style choice and 100% up to you!
First, a small suggestion for your first line. This is an excellent, excellent rhyme, but I'm wondering a bit about the word before it, "well". Was this intended to fill up syllable space? I think so, but you're a bit of a poetic genius, so maybe I'm wrong.
Moving onto the second line... awesome! Really, truly awesome! I love this rhyme and I love the smooth transition to the next stanza. Brilliant.
Great job on these two lines. One small recommendation of mine for your first phrase: maybe try varying your punctuation, especially with such beautiful rhyming. You just used a hyphen in the previous line, so what about using an ellipses? It can accomplish the same pause.
For your second line, let me first say how much I love this second phrase. "Stirs and strains" is so expressive in just three words. I immediately hear the trilling violin, humming cello, and roaring bass. It's brilliant. One suggestion for the first couple words. Instead of "it surprises and settles", which is a bit vague, maybe something like "the music lifts and settles". Just a thought!
I love the rhyme of "pace" and "embrace". Just one small note about the second line... I don't want to suggest any major changes, so let me just share an observation. If you think it's relevant, "So I browse...the channels again" is a bit awkward. The rhyme isn't as strong as your others and the action doesn't seem deserving of its own phrase. Trust me: I wouldn't be suggesting this if you weren't such a masterful poet! I know that you can easily revise it.
Really nothing to say except for that I love these two supporting lines. They're concise, but don't gloss over any details. Bravo! A perfect example of your beautiful poetry.
"But I hear it...every afternoon" gives your readers a great sense of repetition. You've just dropped us in the throbbing of your routine and the beautiful sounds that make up your musical taste.
One suggestion for this stanza: did you consider elaborating on this stanza? Maybe toss us a bit of the beat or the rustle the notes make as they fly through your ears. Is this a softer or harsher piece? Why do you listen to it so often? Just a couple prompts for you, as I know that (no matter how eloquent you are) sometimes you just get a bit... blocked. Anyway, there's a small detail that I'd love. Just a thought, though.
Nice job! Just one quick vocabulary suggestion. You used "tune" in your previous first line--maybe you could try another word. Even one as bland as "song" would provide variety.
Quick note: in this stanza, you suddenly switch to the past tense. Don't worry, it's a simple fix. Just change "could" to "can", and (for the second line) something like "Just a few seconds in, I'm engrossed".
I love this detail about the cheers. Although it's nice to hear all this music in my head, it was becoming a bit awkward. This detail really livens up the piece and makes it easier to listen to!
Hey, looks like you made a sudden change to past tense here, as well! Don't worry, easy fixes again. "Were" -> "are" and "kept" -> "keep".
Although I love this first line, I have a quick question about the second. This seems to be a small misuse of "temperate" (syllable wise). I know, I know... when you read "temperate", it sound like three syllables. In fact, I had to look it up! But, apparently, the word is pronounced "temprate". If you want an easy replacement, may I suggest "moderate"? This may not be a fix-all, though, so if you want to use something else or disagree with my earlier premise, it's totally fine!
First, quickly, past tense to present tense: "was" -> "is" and "began" -> "begin".
Second, awesome. You've single-handedly brought us into the throbbing beat of a concert and the noise and movement of a crowd. I feel as if I'm really there, listening to the springing step of the instruments and pressing against the strangers around me as if they were my closest friends.
"Was" -> "is" and "ran" -> "run".
Can I just say: AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. I love this and I love your writing. You've brought me to this concert and now you've brought me into the music. AWESOME.
"Harmonize" -> "harmonize".
One quick suggestion for your second line: what about replacing "while" with "and"? For me, as a reader, that flows a little better.
I'm doing this whole stanza together because I only have one small suggestion for the entire thing. I mean, you're awesome! Great job!
Anyway: in the third line, what about a more evocative word than "saddened"? It seems a tiny-teensy bit awkward in juxtaposition with the beautiful poignancy of the rest of your piece. Just a thought for you!
Overall Remarks and Resources:
Hey, Wolfie! Me again. I love this piece so much. It's really, truly impressive how you managed to tell such a nuanced and poignant story in just song. This really speaks to the emotional depth and eye for detail that you incorporate as a writer. Great job!
One thing I'd love to see is you bringing us back to the present every now and then. Maybe tear us from the sweet hum of a guitar to the worn knobs of the radio or from the rich melody of a cello to the rough wood of the table where the radio sits.
Anyway... without further ado-- awesome resources!
- A short-but-sweet piece on rhyme by Cade: Rhyme...all the time!. You may not need this, but I think you'll appreciate it!
- Snoink is awesome in another fairly brief but detailed bit about structure: On Highly Structured Poems. I'd recommend this to all poets, from the most eloquent to (in internet parlance) the noobs. (You fall in the former category.
- And, finally, Jasmine Hart is brilliant: Poetry-Editing Checklist.
Keep writing, and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome!
IronSpark
Daaaang, Iron. Daaaaaang.
You're awesome!!! This is among the very best reviews I've ever received, and probably the best poetry review. Good catch on all those tense changes and other things! Once I fix those this'll be a much better piece. Thank you thank you thank you for the encouragement and praise and recommendations!!!
Hey! I'm here to review for you, fellow red team member.
So, what I loved most about this poem is how you managed to create a picture of different music genres, without dissing any of them. You say how rock is good, but not what the persona wants, or how classical music is nice but to slow. And I like that, because to often people try and celebrate a certain genre by dissing another, so congrats for not doing that.
I like the flow of it, it has this really nice bounce to it which is sort of song like, and it really adds to the overall feel of the poem.
I'm not sure about the formatting of it, but you said below that you had problem with spacing.
I have had trouble with that too when posting a poem.
So go here and hopefully that will help.
I just feel that it doesn't add anything to the poem itself.
I don't have anything to critic really. It is a great poem and I can't see any mistakes, so well done.
All the best
Nargles xx
Great!!! Thank you so much. I'll fix the formatting soon. It is a little weird...
Hello fellow red teamer!
What a poem you've got here! Wow, it really is beautiful. The richness of the vocabulary used, the imagery and flow of it all was just spot on, I could picture it in my head, all the radio channels, and weaving in and out of them until you find the perfect song.
Great rhyme as well, consistent and it fitted in well. The format was kinda confusing at times, though that's just my opinion.
I cannot find a single nitpick, so I'll go through my favorite parts.
In the background drums were lightly tapping
they kept a temperate and steady beat
to this pulse the eager crowd was clapping
And I began to tap my feet.
That was my favorite stanze, really well worded and some beautiful imagery.
Keep up the great work;
LGF
Thank you!!! I know that my alignment was rather odd... I just played around with it and this is what I came up with. When I tried to just do four line stanzas with spaces in between, the spaces would disappear... Do you know how to fix that? Thank you for your helpful review and for an excellent contribution to the Reviewlutions!
OH MAN! I'm in love with it. Song, poetry all sounds the same. This was beautiful and drizzled all over with talent! Your word choice is remarkable, words I haven't seen, yet can learn. My favorite part was "Finally a sweet tune reaches my ears
I’d only heard it once or twice at most
it’s the live version- I could hear the cheers
A few seconds in, I was engrossed." Cause I know that feeling. and it's the good kind. You are an amazing author, writer, song writer. I see them all as the same and You are one of a kind!
Wow! Thank you so much! Good luck reviewing today!