Mousse let out a loud sigh in the quiet car. Sheila was sitting next to me, and Jason was at the other window side. It had been quiet the whole time we departed from home, and in that time I thought about what Jason had said. We were twins, but I wouldn't think the school would have put us in the same class. Mother probably asked them to put us in the same homeroom. I hadn't read my schedule - well, I couldn't have - but I hadn't asked anyone to read it for me. Jason probably had snuck a look at it and figured out we were in the same homeroom class. Oh, man.
I squeezed Mousse's leash that was wrapped around my hand a couple times. Please, oh please let this be a good first day, I thought silently. I was glad I could bring Mousse along. Father had recieved an email from the principal in about the middle of the summer saying I could bring him.
The car stopped and I felt my heart thumping on my chest. "Come on, Ember. I can lead you to your homeroom," Sheila offered and her love for my safety made me feel a little more confident.
"Don't worry, Ember. You'll make lots of friends," Father said. He sounded worried, though. I didn't want to make him worried, so I said, "Okay." But that was all.
Jason got out after Sheila and me and took off running. Father said goodbye and I heard the faint sound of him blowing an air kiss to each of us, then he drove off. I was standing next to Sheila with Mousse by my side. I took three deep breaths, then I said, "Let's go."
"It's okay. It's okay," Sheila muttered. She pulled me along with her even though I had asked Mousse to follow her. People were gasping and ooh-ing and aww-ing over Mousse. If I would ever become popular it would be because of Mousse. We entered the actual building and my sister led me down the hall. She stopped abruptly. "Room 103. Welcome to your homeroom, Ember."
"Thanks, Sheila. You're the best," I said.
"Can I go off now or do you need help? Just enter the door when the bell rings, okay?" Sheila said. I could tell she wanted to go see her friends, so I nodded. She sped off just as Jason had.
I waited for a while, but I followed Sheila's instructions. I didn't want my patience to take over, which would mean opening the door before the bell rang. I just waited.
Finally, a loud, crazy sound that lasted about three seconds blasted in my ears. The bell. I could go in. Slowly, I pulled down on the door handle and pulled the door open.
"You must be Ember!" a female person's voice said immediately. Her shoes clanked on the floor as she rushed to me. Obviously, she saw my dog and must've figured it out. A couple other kids came through the door and stopped. They must've seen Mousse too.
"He's cute," someone said, and someone else asked, "Can I pet her?"
"This is Mousse, and he's a guy. You can pet him." I replied.
"Let's do that later," the teacher said. "Please take a seat in any desk."
I walked forward slowly, and the first desk I bumped into, I sat in. Other kids began coming in, talking about summer vacations and what the teachers were going to be like and which classes they had. I sat there, quietly and still, until the teacher rang a bell.
"I'm Mrs. Camet, your new sixth grade homeroom teacher." I heard the smile in her voice, and the squeak of the marker on the whiteboard.
"How about we start off by introducing a little bit about ourselves." Mrs. Camet suggested eagerly. "Who shall we start with?"
Several "Me!"s were called out and Mrs. Camet picked someone. "I'm Andria and I have six brothers and two sisters."
I heard someone say, "Oh my god," next to me. I waited as people went. Then I heard Jason's name. "I'm Jason and I like video games." He said.
I was surprised he didn't say anything about me. Maybe he wanted to hear it for himself.
"Has everyone gone?" Mrs. Camet asked. I didn't say anything. I did not want to introduce myself.
"She didn't!" someone called out. I recognized his voice but I forgot his name. I hadn't been paying attention.
"Oh, right, Ember," Mrs. Camet said enthusiastically. I pushed back my chair and stood up, as I had heard everyone else do. "I'm Ember and I'm blind." I knew what people were going to think of me. sat back down and tried to keep the tears in.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Blind - Chapter 19Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hey there!
Woah, I really want to go and read the next chapter already.
The ending!
Your plot is so awesome, and you keep it fresh and exciting all the time!
And Ember, it must be hard for her to actually stand up and tell everyone that she's blind. I can understand why she's about to cry when she says it.
Also, am I the only one who's surprised that Jason and Ember are twins? xD I don't think I knew it before this chapter. Have you mentioned it earlier? Might be I just forgot it.
It's getting hard to find any nitpicks now, as I'm the 4th reviewer, so there wont be many here. There's one thing though, and that's the word 'said'. I think you've used too much of it in this chapter, however there is a word you can use to replace it two-three times, and that's 'spoke'.
You can mostly replace it with 'said' all the time, and it's great to use as a dialogue tag before the dialogue ('*action* and spoke, "*dialogue*").
Keep up the good work! ^^
- Zontafer
Hi there!
Gah, I was so happy when I saw you posted this! I've been waiting to read more
Okay, so I have no idea how to rearrange this to make it work, but I feel like 'Jason' is said too many times too close together. I know it's only twice, but it's all in one sentence. Maybe find a way to use a pronoun in there somewhere. Maybe start out with her thinking about what Jason said and then describe how she's sitting in the car? That might work.
How does Ember know he gave them air kisses? She's blind
I think it would be better to describe the sound of this woman's footsteps on the floor. They must be fast if she's rushing. I just want to get a better understanding of how Ember can tell what's going on around her based on what she hears.
A very interesting chapter you've got here. You know what I like about your novel? I like how you're staying true to how you started. You're still keeping up with Ember's perspective of things and you're making sure to really dive into her thoughts. Keep that up!
As for your plot, I'd say it's going really well. Overall I think the summer went by a bit quickly. You traveled through the entire summer in just a couple of chapters. Personally I would've like to see more of the summer, see what Ember does during her free time and all that. I'll have to wait until the end of your novel here before I mention it again because I might end up liking the short summer when I read the whole thing all together.
You also have very little breaks in your flow. There are a lot of time jumps in the plot. That's totally fine of course. I just wanted to point out that they all fit together nicely and I am able to keep up with them. That's not an easy feat to accomplish. I mean, if you're going to skip a few weeks in a novel, you're going to have to make sure the readers understand exactly what's going on and what happened during that time skip. You have done that here, kept us up to date with everything that has happened in the actual chapters as well as what happened between chapters.
I feel really bad for Ember there at the end. Surely she could've said something other than "I'm blind"! But she didn't. I think she just panicked and said the first thing that came to her mind. Poor girl
I can't wait to see what happens when she's at school! I really hope she makes at least one friend while she's there. She barely has any other friends. There were those girls who came over for her birthday party, but I don't think they counted. Sounded like they were on their way out of the Ember friendship area. You know who Ember needs? Someone who will love her unconditionally (you know, in a family kind of way) and will be willing to help her out. I can see her getting along really well with someone like that.
Good job with this chapter! I sure hope the rest of Ember's school year goes better than the first day.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Ah, that's right. She can't see if her dad gives her an air kiss. xD
Thank you! Your reviews are always so helpful!
Tongue twister. Yikes. Consider taking out the indicated.
Change to: "I hadn't read my schedule-well, I couldn't have-"
Unnecessary comma.
Goodbye is one word.
Cut the indicated.
Cut the second I. It isn't needed.
Unnecessary comma. Also, let should be pet.
This. You're trying to evoke sympathy from the reader, but you need to go more in-depth if that's what you want. Why is she crying? I feel like that popped up out of nowhere. If you had built up to it, it would make more sense. But it was just dropped in there.
I can understand why she's crying, but I still need you to tell me so I know I'm right. Is she crying because admitting that she's blind is painful? Or something else? Show us why. Give us more insight into her emotions and such.
Also, define their ages somewhere along the way. I assumed that Jason was older than Ember but they're in the same class? Who's older? And what about Shelia? How old is she? Is this junior high or elementary school? Details are important.
On the bright side, this is getting good. I figured she'd get lots of gawking, since she's blind and has a dog and all. People are, of course, gonna want to pet Mousse and it's up to her whether she wants them to or not. I look forward to seeing how the rest of her first day of school goes, so keep me updated!
~Iggy
Thanks!
Hello!
I haven't read the previous chapters, but you've written this piece so well that I didn't have to. The nerves, tension and worry felt by everyone involved was realistic. I liked the pace of the dialogue as well. The last sentence totally wins, by the way.
Consider omitting one 'Mousse' and replacing with her.
Thank you!
Thanks! Okay, I'll go do that right now!