Blind - Chapter 5

by WillowPaw1

Published April 6, 2014

E - Everyone

In Blind

Okay, this is a short chapter, but it seemed suspense-y. :)

That night, on Sunday, we roasted marshmallows outside in our fire pit. I like fire because it makes me feel warm and cozy and snuggly, and safe. But being threatened with fire would be scary. I've never touched it before but I've almost and it's really hot. My family tries to explain fire to me. They say it is a bright color called orange and it dances. I wonder how fire dances. I think it would be spectacular to see.

We put marshmallows on metal sticks then put them over the fire. I waited until someone told me mine had caught fire or it was perfectly cooked. They usually catch fire.

"Ember, it's about to catch." Jason said. His mouth is muffled out by the bite of s'more he stuffed in his mouth.

I quickly pulled it out of the fire and pulled it close to my face—not too close, but close enough so I could blow the fire out.

I waited a while for it to cool down, then I asked Mother if she could make a s'more for me. I showed her my marshmallow, and I felt a tugging at the metal stick as she pulled the marshmallow of it. A minute later I had my graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow treat.

We went to bed soon after. It was later than I expected, about 9:00 p.m. When Mother came to say goodnight to me, I felt her sit on my bed, right next to my legs.

"Honey, I'm going to show you a special thing tomorrow," she said.

My heart pounded really hard and I could hear every single beat in my ears. "O-okay." I say, then roll over so she can't see my face.

"Goodnight, Ember. I love you," Mother says, kissing the back of my head. She gets up and when I hear the door slowly close I know she's gone.

I sit up in bed. I put my hands on my face, feeling every feature I have on me. I can't feel much. My hair is very long. I know that. It stood right before my butt, and it feels very straight. I place two fingers on my nose, wondering if it looks bad. Then I shake my head. It doesn't matter what other people think about me, especially how I look. I don't even know for myself.

I sighed, lay back down, and try to fall asleep. Eventually it works.

I woke up the next morning to someone shaking me. It wasn't Sheila, I knew that. It could be either Mother, Father, or Jason. I put my hands in front of me, feeling their face and hair. It wasn't Mother, either. He had short hair, and I was certain Mother had fairly long hair.

It was probably Father.

"Wake up, sleepy head, Mom wants to talk to you," the voice said, and I knew it was Jason. He never comes in my room. What was going on? What happened to Sheila waking me up in the morning?

Maybe something was wrong.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Apr 16, 2014

Hi there!

But being threatened with fire would be scary.

I feel like this comes out of nowhere. She's talking about how fire makes her feel safe and then all of the sudden she thinks about what it'd be like being threatened by it. I don't know, it just seems a bit out there. Why would she be thinking about being threatened with it? If she's just thinking of the dangers of fire, you should probably say something about that then just being threatened with it. You know, like saying how she would be scared if it ever got out of hand.

Okay, so once you reach the part where her mother sits on her bed, you start switching between tenses. This chapter is written in past tense, yet you slip into present tense when she lays down in bed and tries to fall asleep. Be careful with that. Make sure to stick with just one tense.

You're right, this definitely was a suspenseful chapter. It's such a small thing, Sheila not waking her up. But to Ember, it's a big deal. So now she's all worried about it. I really, really hope nothing happened to Sheila! Ember has enough to deal with. She shouldn't have to worry about being there for her sister as well.

Another great chapter! You're doing a really great job writing this from Ember's point of view. I really feel like I'm seeing the world through her eyes. I'm impressed! I know that I wouldn't have the discipline to write a character that is blind, much less write it from their perspective. Keep it up!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2014

Oooh, so this is pretty suspenseful. ;)

I do like that you gradually built up to this! You actually give two suspenseful things, with her mom promising to show her something tomorrow and then making us wonder if Sheila is okay. What was her mom gonna show her? Will she still show her? And what about her sister? So many questions. :O

Moving on, I think you can do a bit more with imagery in this piece. Further explain how fire feels to her! Surely it's just more to her than hot. Also, someone describing fire to her would be a nice thing to include. I'm curious to know if she can envision what it looks like, and if not, then what she thinks of it as it's being described.

I adore how her family takes care of her. They're such good people, and her siblings look out for her without complaining or doing a lazy job of it. :)

Off to chapter six.

Thanks - I'll add more about the fire right now!

User avatar
Em101cats
Review
Em101cats wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

Oh my goodness. This is suspenseful! I noticed no spelling errors, grammar errors or other kind of nitpick-y mistakes. ;)


Great work with this. Like, really. REALLY. I love the suspense, the word choice, the part about the whole family being there sharing a treat (s'mores). It makes me feel that the family may have wanted a last moment together if something has happened to a family member (which I hope it hasn't :O ) Anyways, moving on to chapter 6 now. GREAT JOB, I LOVED THIS CHAPTER :D

Yay! Thank you! <3 (I feel like I'm always saying that...)

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puppys3117
Review
puppys3117 wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

oh meh stars o_o this is awesome! I've been reading the whole series and im loving this! so here is my review!

Spelling: I didn't notice anything wrong with spelling, but I tend to be a fast reader at times.
Grammer: I didn't notice mistakes with grammer, and there wasn't any random 'aints' in it like I do sometimes XD
Suspence: theres so much I might explode if I don't get to see the next part soon, and it wont be pretty.......
Rating: 5 stars, and 10 out of 10!

Great job WillowPaw1! ur doing awesome with ur series!

Keep up the good work!
~puppys3117~

Thank you so much!! I'm so glad you're enjoying it!



Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers