underscoring last night

These rhymed:

You gave me a snowglobe,
said "watch the snow";

I held it close,
but I once let it go.

So I let it fall slowly,
let it tumble through air,
and that night when I called you
there was nobody there.

And these didn't:

As it fell to the floor,
I reached out
to stop it,

but I soon realized
it was only store-bought.

I left a message on your machine,
said that it seems that to me
I can't find the snow for all the water,
but what I was really thinking
was if I never again saw you,
this wasn't such a bad way for things to end.

My number one rule of thumb: either they all rhyme or none rhyme. It just makes the rhythm of the poem flow better.

I left a message on your machine,
said that it seems that to me
I can't find the snow for all the water,
but what I was really thinking
was if I never again saw you,
this wasn't such a bad way for things to end.

This stanza really confused me, especially the line about the snow for all the water. How is snow better than water? I mean, I understand that the water is slogging you down and making it hard to reach the "snow" but I don't get the whole image. And then, the tone throughout the whole poem was that he wanted her back, and then the last line shatters that image. It's kind of like, well, I'll just go with the flow type of thing. Like, oh well, maybe it wasn't a bad way for things to end. No regrets (as in the rest of the poem) or anything. It just seems...forced to me.

I set up domino castles
to let you knock them over,
but it's not the same
anymore. Now I watch
as the fleeting present-
tense escapes me,
let myself slip from your grip
into apathy.

This was brilliant. Simply brilliant. I just loved this for some reason. Easy to understnad, yet it had depth. Great job on this. I just wish I could have seen it in the later parts of the poem. After this stanza, it kind of went downhill.

Brad, don't get me wrong. I loved this poem, but there's just that thing that is bugging me that I can't place my finger on. Like there's just something about the poem that isn't right. You're a very talented poet and I like your brisk style. Just a little tweaking and it will go from awesome to even more awesome! And to let you know, I'm in a really nitpicky mood tonight, and I did have to nitpick to find these things. You did very well on this. It was just those few things.

Wiggy

P.S. Sorry you had to be the recipient of my "nitpickiness." lol I just haven't done a really great or long crit for awhile, so it felt good to do that. Keep writing!