I think this is one of the best poems I've read of yours, Brad. (No wonder that you won best poet on the site!
) There's just one minor mistake I saw:
"like dreams where you love hard and in the morning
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Yes. This is what I like. A lot better than 'For Maggie'. Word choice is great.
Not sure what the colon is there for, but I'm guessing you're describing one of the things you would talk about. If I was you, I would replace it with a period, or maybe a semicolon. Or, would leave the colon and write: "how the mornings brushed languidly into the stifling stillness of summer nights."
One of my favorite parts, but the "like dreams..." line is pretty confusing. It would be much more powerful if it was divided like this:
"like dreams where you love hard
and in the morning it dissipates into the atmosphere
and you know it's there,
and you just have to let it go..."
The ending of the whole poem though...is so abrupt. It just leaves us hanging. I dont know, it just...doesn't satisfy.
"lightening struck ahead" is too many syllables to have any effect.
You hide a lot in you images, and I hope you realize this and it isn't an accident. There is never too far to delve with your poetry.
That was something for sure. I especially enjoyed the dialogue between the two "characters" in the poem.
I agree with WL. It was a nice piece, Incan.
The third stanza was my favorite.
This poem is beautifully written, Brad. The word choice is exquisite. I particularly like the mirror between "orchard yard" and "apple-sweet kisses."
Some of the line breaks didn't feel quite clean to me, like the one writingluver mentioned. My only suggestion is to go back thro' and try different line breaks and see what you prefer.